2-7-13

2-7-13 @ 11:26am
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Hey.
Well, it’s Thursday.  I should make my Tiffany video but I don’t know what to do for it so I probably won’t.  I’m in a really grumpy ass/upset mood today.  Not only did I not get this job I worked my ass off to get, but then I got in a fight with Brian, too.  I’m still crying over it.  I will try to be supportive of him as I can and I all want is a boyfriend who shows me affection.  He’s always in a hurry to do something else so I try to be as accommodating as I can.  He always seems to appreciate that until we fight then he throws in my face what I do wrong.  So I try to fix things the way it makes sense to me and then he bitches about that.  When I ask him why he never just tells me things in the first place and he says I always tell him he’s wrong and because he doesn’t tell people anything because he doesn’t “emote well.”  Then when I tell him he does the same thing to me, *I’m* wrong.  I know I’m not perfect, and lately I’ve been pushing him away and being aggressive--so I know something is wrong with me, but I don’t know what or why.  He’s always been patient about that until I piss him off and then he doesn’t understand at all.  I’m mostly upset about not getting the job because now I can’t help him with bills or do anything special for him for V-day or anniversary.  I couldn’t give him anything for Christmas either. I just feel like a big piece of shit, you know?  I don’t know, maybe he’s right and I do want out.  Maybe I need to decide if I want to stay.  I’m sick of this.  I feel like shutting him out.  Like, just go do whatever the fuck you want from now on.  I don’t care.  I just won’t say or do anything.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be that way.

I didn’t get the Steinmart job because I guess they’re on a budget freeze, so I should call in 14 days and check again.  To me it’s like saying, “we don’t like you but don’t want to tell you that so we’re really hoping you won’t call in 14 days.”  Brian says if that were the case, they’d have told me 6 months.  I guess we’ll see.  Either way, I’m so discouraged.  I’ll be back.  I need food.

1:35pm
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I’m back.  I ate and watched Full House.  Now I’m writing again.  I’ve been kind of neglectful of the nb.  I mean, yea, I write a little but I could be done with this.  But unfortunately life happens and my energy suffers.  Blah.

So, the thing with Jessica… is fine.  I found out what was going on.  So around October (I told you some in text but I think it was later) Erin and Jess got into it over a guy.  Kind of.  Erin had met this “Aaron” guy off POF or something and our friend Kristen and I went with her to meet him after we’d hung out all day.  She had been acting all ridiculous because I wouldn’t play with her hair.  *eye roll*.  Then she kept pushing Kristen and I to stay later and later for this jerk.  His name was actually Brandon and he was staying in this apartment that was in a 55+ complex.  He said he knew the guy and that he’d died and so they were taking care of the place, but I think they were just squatters or something.  (I say they ‘cause Brandon had a roommate, Colin, who I’d met before and had asked me to sing with him).  Anyway things with them (Brandon and Erin) were “good”.  He was supposedly a recovering addict.  His mom was a drug user and he convinced her to go to rehab again and she died there.  Long story short, he went to NY, got stuck there (“because of his ex”) and when he came back, he stayed with Erin.  She drove him everywhere.  Basically he used her because he led her on to get all this stuff from her, including sex, and then wouldn’t commit.  So anyway, he went to this bar with her the weekend before Halloween and Jess was there.  I don’t remember the whole thing but they both called me to tell me their sides of the story.  Erin left holes in hers just so she wouldn’t look bad and Jess would.  I told Erin I could see Jess flirting with Brandon just to piss her off. But not that she was lying.  Now, months later she wants to tell Jessica I was lying.  Well, that I said Jess was lying.  FUCK YOU ATTENTION DRAMA WHORE!  I can’t think of a single person who even likes her.

In other news… well there isn’t really any.  Tomorrow is my dad’s 74th birthday.  Brian and I are taking him out.  Things aren’t that great between us. I’m still not sure what to do.  But we agreed to still take my dad out.
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11somethingPM
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Ugh my stomach hurts.  I feel like barfing.  So I think Brian and I are ok now.  He said we both just have to work on our stuff and hang in there, and that he loves me.  I almost made my video tonight but we lost sunlight and the wind caused major issues so tomorrow I will work on it, and Saturday as well.  I decided not to do my challenge video.  I just don’t feel like learning the timing for it right now, you know?  I want to do it later though like when the contest is over and I keep my channel open to keep doing videos.  So far the songs I will do just for me (and others listening privileges hehe.):
{songs}

Any other requests or suggestions, just let me know.  I’ll be thinking about it also.  I can’t wait to do it.  I want to buy a microphone one day and use it for songs.

I’m going to take a break from writing for now.

Lymtl!
<3