10:42pm
hey chicky!!
how are ya? i really need to start doing nbs again or i'll have a full nb here before on actual paper, lol. it's cool getting to see what i'm writing before i "write" it, though. i know i could just print it all out but... i really don't feel like doing that. it takes too much paper and i like writing better. but anyhow... today i finally got to talk to you!!! and i had to let "her" go. but it sucks that i can't get off her work page cuz she has me as an admin and i don't know the password to take myself off of it. ugh annoying. but apparently the "we" she is referring to is someone who doesn't even live in this country. lol. so.. this is what ultimately made my choice a little easier:
"Seriously...declining words with friends requests? Really? I didn't realize that me asking someone to play freaking words with friends equated to proposing that we become bff's lol. Aww and here I was looking forward to braiding e/o's hair&watching chick flicks together. Yowch what a burn lol. And here I figured that getting to know my acquaintances on FB a bit better was considered socially appro
priate&acceptable. Lesson learned. (Some people, right?) haha
Anyway, life goes on. On that note, thanks to everyone for being so helpful&understanding throughout my health problems this weekend. It was very scary&very difficult experiencing problems I haven't experienced in nearly 7 years&far from home out in bfe too..."
it's so fucking stupid, you know? that last sentence especially. i'm sure i'm not the only one asking her, "if you were in such pain, why did you even go?" it's like... you put yourself in that situation. it's not like she got her period when she got there. she got her period BEFORE she got there. so she had the perfect excuse to stay home. but not only did she not do that, she also left as soon as she got there. but the kicker is that one girl who actually liked her found her on facebook. so i'm like... wow for someone who bitches that much about hating that place, you still managed to find a friend. and yet you have to be such a shithead about it. i'm sure she hasn't even noticed that i'm gone yet. and you know what?? i'm just gonna let her wonder. i don't have it in me to accuse her of things she may not even be consciously aware of. but for someone as insightful as her to risk her health just to control my time and happiness this weekend, it makes me realize how sick of a person she really is. i mean, there's a reason why i've never met anyone in her coven and i've never even met one of her friends. not a one. i've known her for over a year. don't you think that's a little ridiculous? i sure do.
i don't wish her any ill will... in fact i hope that she feels better. but it's like... in talking to you i realized that i can't do this anymore. i just can't continue to put myself out there for someone who would go out of her way to treat me like this. whether she realizes it or not, it's no excuse. i still owe her some money so i think what i'm gonna end up doing is mailing it to her when i have it. so i don't owe her a thing. either that or drive all the way to her house to put it in the mailbox and then drive away. lol that's stupid though. i'm going to mail it. and that will be that. i don't believe in owing people anything or keeping something of someone's that isn't mine. maybe i'll send it in a birthday card. would that be too harsh? here's a birthday card with $40 bucks in it for gas and btw i'm not friends with you anymore. aaaand wow. that might be a little bit too mean, even for me. although it wouldn't be too far off from what she did.
i didn't even give her any warning this time. the last time she pissed me off i put shit on facebook and ignored her for a while before deleting her and all that drama. this time i just came like a thief in the night and deleted her and blocked her from texting me. i just think it's better that way than explaining why i feel how i feel. because of course she'd tell me that i was crazy and wrong and it would start a huge fight and frankly... i don't have the capacity for all that stress and hurt and anger and stupidity. she can go on and on about whatever to her "friends" or whatever... but i know the truth and that's enough for me.
so... i'm changing the subject, lol. this weekend made me think a lot about boys. not just the ones i know but... if i were to have this life of freedom and magick and all of that... i'm not sure the boys i already know would fit that mold. it's not that i don't love them, i do. but i already went that route of hiding myself from someone and it was somebody who constantly judged me for even believing in God. so how am i supposed to even talk about why i believe in God to him and then whatever else i believe in when whatever i believe in is wrong because it's not what he believes?? (it was Ryan, btw lol). the closest i came to someone who i thought could understand me was brian. i could have the fairy wedding i always wanted with him, but he ended up being a huge asshole and the ring he "bought" me was all wrong. if i wanted that fairy wedding, what made him think that i'd approve of getting anything from a jewelry store at the mall that i had to pay for myself? he couldn't just save his own money and go to a flea market or go online to get a really awesome ring? no. i should have known right then and there that he was all wrong for me.
and then there was barry. he was all into spirituality. but we never really talked about marriage. there was talk a little bit but that got ruined and i never got to share my ideal wedding with him which i'm sure he would have been down with cuz he likes all of that stuff.
and then there's larry. i'm not really sure what his stance on religion is but i know that he was raised catholic. we have never talked about religion in any capacity so i really have no idea what he'd think about me being wiccan. i do know that he is a free spirit himself and would probably understand more than i'm giving him credit for right now and it's definitely not a deal breaker. but i've just been thinking more and more about actually wanting to be with him and at this point, i'm not so sure. i mean, he's still him. a wonderful guy. he is the sweetest boy i know and if we ended up together, even if for a short time, it would be a beautiful thing. i'm just not sure if he is what i want or if i want to find someone completely different. the fact that we haven't spoken since the last time we saw each other kind of helps with that statement. at this point though... i haven't even met anyone else besides on okcupid.com for like a week lol. i know i will always have options. it's not even like i'm worried about who will want me. i'm not worried because i know a lot of men want me. i don't want someone who just wants me. i want someone who will love me and respect me and someone who i can share my life with. and who someone who understands me even if he doesn't agree with everything i believe in, he can still accept me and love me. i know larry is still there and will always be. and i do miss him. even while at the retreat i couldn't help but think of him a little. it's not really doubts anymore, it's just reality. i'm just thinking about my future and what i want to do when i'm actually ready to do it. another thing i was thinking was that i could be single for as long as i wanted to be. i could just hang out with my guy friends when i want and have "dates" or whatever but just on a friendship level and not lead anyone on. i'm not saying i lead larry on because i didn't, the feelings that i have for him are absolutely real and they never went away. that's why i stopped talking to people on okcupid.com and why i still have him in my heart even though things are quiet for now. i'm just saying... it's not really about what he wants to do. it's about what i want. and right now i want my freedom.
another thing that's been on my mind is that i think i'm going to have to pay for another month's subscription to massageprep.com again. i have until sunday to study and i'm going to do as much as i can but tomorrow i have my very first tarot study group, thursday i am going to dinner and a movie with my friend Mark and then friday i'm going to do pretty much the same thing with Geoff. i just hope he doesn't want to see the same movie lol. saturday i'm just hanging out by myself studying and then sunday i'm going to the ren fair with my parents and Geoff. then Monday i get paid again and i'm not sure what all i have to pay for but i know i have my car insurance and my hsbc stuff to take care of. i haven't heard from the ultrasound people in a while, not really sure what happened to them but i can send them some money too and i have to pay monique for gas. oh and i have to pay my phone bill. lmao i totally forgot about that one. oops. oh and my mom wants to take me to the mall before the ren fair to get me something to wear for it. i would have already picked something out if my stomach weren't all messed up yesterday. i had planned on buying a corset at the fair but then i went to door county and spent the money i was saving. but it was worth it, lol. i think i'm going to enlist geoff to come with me to door county again because i want to just go there for the day to take pictures, have some yummy food, maybe shop a little, then come home. if we get tired we'll just stop along the way but that's what i want to do.
so... that's it for now. i'm still really tired... i guess all that energy i raised was too much for me. but i feel a lot better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow i'll feel better than i did today. i can't wait to go back to lothlorien again next month for wild magick!
love you,
rita bo bita
lol i told geoff to call me that cuz he kept trying to call me sweet cheeks and i told him to stop it. lmao.
11:18pm
No comments:
Post a Comment