10/24/11

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Dear Miss Rita bo Bita,
I hope your 29th is magical and nothing short of fabulous for you.  I am so happy you are in my life, I feel truly blessed.  So thank you.  Please be careful on your special day and have a lot of fun.  I love you more than life!
Love always,
Chelsea Bella
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10/24/11

Yo yo yo!
I sent a thick envelope out.  Since I'm planning on sending 100 pages this time, I may send it in two or three envelopes.  We'll see how it goes.  I really hope that 32 pages makes it to you, like it wasn't too much or something.  So, I tried to do my bible study today and it was just so hard so I put it away and I will try to go back to it later or tomorrow.  =(
I'm listening to "In and out of love" by Bon Jovi and this one part drives me into a frenzy.  He whistles and then his laugh is like--music to my heart.  Isn't that nuts?  I just love his laugh at that part.  Awww, and now I'm listening to "In these arms" which I just love.  I can't tell you how much I love Bon Jovi's older music.
{hey, you don't have to tell me twice.  I've been in love with Jon Bon Jovi since I was 4 and saw him on MTV.}
Ahhhh, I just cracked my back.  I love that 10 second euphoric feeling of relief after I crack my back.  Part of it is the noise I hear when it happens.  I know that's weird but it's one of my habits I guess.  I have to wash my sheets again because I bled all over.  That happens so much.  I wash my bedding and then BAM!  Period comes and I bleed.  I was doing so good, too.  I hadn't ruined any underwear or anything.  Pfffft.  Now I got it on my sheets and one pair of underwear.  Oh well, it is what it is.  I've got it all in the wash now.  I'm trying to decide how to complete my Halloween costume.  I want a sash that says #1 Playmate of the year or something but I have no money so I don't know how to go about it.  I also need black sexy heels which I think I'm getting from Erin.  And I have to exchange the fishnets for regular black tights.  Ugh I wish it was free to do anything and everything!  =( Oh, hmmm it's 12:17pm and Erica comes home for lunch soon.  She gets 2 hours every day Mon-Thurs. Then Friday she only works for 3 hours.  :/ I'm still really jealous that she got a job so quick and I still have zip.  I try not to be that way but I can't help it.  Oh man NOW I'm tired?  I tried everything to keep sleeping but Erica kept interrupting and the dogs kept barking so I got up.  I think I'll go take a nap and watch Days of our Lives then write some more and then organize my room cuz it sure does need it!  Love ya.
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Grrrr cat prints all over my paper!!  I'm so sick of animals!  I mean I love them but 7 is just too many.  Especially having to clean up after them constantly.  One dog when I move out.  That's all I want!  I'm sorry your mom had to go to the hospital for an abcess.  Those are so painful!  So, today Melissa put on her facebook how there's too much drama involved in this Adam thing so she's not going at all.  I think that's so fucking stupid though, Rita.  Because of that post, Nicole and Erin are fighting.  Nicole is denying ever making an event or excluding anyone and telling Erin she's a drama queen and it's all about her which was uncalled for because Erin was just making a point to say how no one made a choice to exclude themselves from anything that all of Adam's friends should've been included.  Nicole is such a liar.  This whole thing is so stupid.  Erin and I made an event and we did invite Nicole and Justin.  I honestly just want to do something.  I don't care who's there as long as they keep the filth away.  I should go work on my room but I have no DVD player because Erica brought it down here and my remote won't work anymore even though I replaced the battery so I have no background anything while I work *pout* Great, now my dad is home from work.  He's been kind of a prick ever since he came back from vacation.  Everything said becomes a big deal.  Boy I'm pathetic!  I'm listening to "Never Say Goodbye" by Bon Jovi over and over, reminding myself of Ryan.  That's what he sang the night everything went down.  so I always think of him now and it makes me sad.  Sometimes--no, always, I really miss him.  On Friday I will have not spoken to Ryan in 2 weeks.  I know that's probably for the best but I just don't get how we could go from being so close to this.  I really do love him though.  I mean, God, his smile just lights up the room and his eyes (which are just like mine) sparkle.  Then, you have his laugh and his voice, which at first grated on my nerves but not anymore.  I guess I got used to it or realized it's not really so bad.  He makes me laugh so much and makes me so comfortable when I'm around him.  I mean, he says he used me for companionship and I don't see that as a terrible thing.  I know he's got a lot of problems and it's better for me this way but God it hurts.  :( Fuckin jerk!!  Who do you think you are?  Running around leaving scars, collectin' your jar of hearts, and tearin' love apart?  Blah.  I spend 50% of my life in love with this drug addicted-ADD-smart as hell-incredibly funny-shining smile-bright eyed booger, and the other 50% wanting to strangle him.  LOL I don't know what made me write about all this.  I guess just because I've really been thinking about him a lot lately.  I'm trying to decide what to say in a message on FB to him.  :/ Okay, I basically told him I hadn't heard from him in over a week and that if he didn't want anything to do with me, then say so and it was going to be my last effort to have anything to do with him & I missed the boy with the charming smile who called me his best friend.  I don't know how long I'll give him but by November he may no longer be a part of my life *sigh* Why do I fall for such difficult men?  Maybe it's because I know I won't run away because they won't be emotionally available so I think I won't get hurt but then I do anyway...?  I don't freaking know.  LMAO.  I'm a hot mess, man.  Well, Erica is very upset because Rich made it very clear they will never be together and so I'm trying to be there for her but it is going to be a very long road.  =( she keeps saying if she'd never had a break down, then it would all be different.  *shakes head* I know one day she will feel differently and I'm leaving it at that because I really don't want to talk about Rich, and you know why. So that's all.  Ugh, I never did my room today so now I have to do that and the floors downstairs.  I don't know who is going to play the role of Cinderella when I have a full time job because it certainly won't be me!  I'm just tired of doing it all the time and then hearing that I don't do anything and need to get a job.  Ugh.  Duh I need to get a job!  I would love one.  But whatever.  I mean, I know I fucked up at Sears but realistically I was going to be let go anyway because I couldn't get people to sign up for credit cards.  I'm not saying that makes what I did ok even though it was an accident.  I'm just saying I was fucked no matter what at that place.  I'm just going to reapply for health care district because I have to get my meds and talk to a dr about all my health concerns.  Like I believe in my heart that I have something in my stomach other than fat that's so hard to lose.  I've heard it from so many people including doctors I met while at work, etc.  I mean maybe it is just belly fat I have to work harder at losing but it would be nice to know.  I wanted to write 10 pages but I don't know what to write anymore!  Let's see... this week I'm going to try and keep busy.  Here's my plans:
Tuesday: organize room, floors write
Wednesday: BSF, write
Thursday: write
Friday: write
Saturday: get a pumpkin, carve it, make yummy seeds, write, go to Skeeters costume party.
Sunday: class 2-4 for NAMI and Adam's party in loving memory.

Not that busy.  At some point I have to get high heels from Erin and get different tights for my costume.  *sigh* Oh, hey.  I told you NAMI meant National Association of Mental Illness, but I was wrong.  It's National Alliance for Mental Illness.  I just thought you'd like to know that.  :) I still can't believe I started crying while reading my paper.  I knew I was going to because I felt it coming but it just all came out right when I talked about locking myself in my room and creating my internet escape world because going places caused panic attacks.  I mean I've gone over my story so many time and never cried--why this time and why finally that part?  But another thing I've been thinking about is an exercise we did where we closed our eyes and tried to find our relaxing place, our "safe" place.  I never could find one but now I think it would be in a dance studio or on stage singing.  Daydreaming these things always calms me.  So I'm going to try that from now on.  In fact, tomorrow I'll write down the instructions for you to try it too!  I think it's a good exercise for everyone to practice.  Tomorrow, when I "write" it may be more creative stuff but I don't know yet.  I'm feeling a bit inspired to finish this bitch up.  Haha!  After this, only 90 pages left so I'm holding onto that.  Lmao.  Holy shit.  It's 2:06am and I am still listening to Bon Jovi!  I think I'm going to change my pad (sorry for TMI!), take a bath, and go to sleep.  I can think about what to put in here tomorrow.  Maybe I'll have a really nifty dream I can tell you about.  I always find my dreams interesting no matter how scary or weird they are.  I could write stories or plays out of them.  That's how Stephanie Meyer came up with Twilight!  She dreamed it.  Ok, last Bon Jovi song is "Levon" I really love his music. He has the best ballads and the ones that aren't ballads are fun to try and figure out the meaning.  Thank GOD for Bon Jovi.  Best conception in the world imo.  Lmao.  Okay, love you, sweet dreams, and good night.

Love,
Star