[part 5}
**these entries are taken from my phone when I didn’t have access to the real notebook… I thought that instead of writing them all out again I’ll just type them up. So much easier!**
Saturday, October 16th, 2010
7:33pm
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Hey Chels,
So, I haven’t gotten rid of all my company yet (my uncle is still here) but everything is winding down. We are on the tail end of a scrabble game, and I have a feeling that my uncle will make mom play another game so he can beat her (she’s up 204 to 168). My dad only has 49 points, but his letters were bad. Plus my mom scored 82 points on the second play so no one else had a chance. So, how is
the room cleaning going? My room is getting there. I want to get everything clean but maybe make it feng shui or something. That would be cool!!
Ugh. I thought I would make it through the day without feeling ill but that worked only until I had dinner. Then I started feeling like I either had to poop or barf. Let’s just say I didn’t barf. Thank God. After Lori went home, things got a little more managable. I love my aunt but today she was driving me mad. We went to this place called the Fen, which is this forest trail type thing behind the Bluff City cemetery.
We didn’t get very far because my aunt kept stopping to take pictures. I don’t begrudge her pictures but we couldn’t go two minutes without stopping. The way I feel about it is like… if you’re doing a job where you need a certain type of picture then you go out and take pictures all day. Family time is spent with family. Yes, you can take pics too, but there should be a difference. My aunt finally caught a break making puzzle designs and for over a year, every single time we get together, she has to show us her designs.
I’ve seen some of these things more than once and it gets annoying. The only time she ever showed any interest in my pictures was when she could use some of them in a puzzle of hers. But it’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t even do any research about the puzzles. Like… let’s say she is doing a
puzzle on Africa. Instead of researching what kinds of animals and stuff is in Africa, she’ll just put a bunch of stuff together. She put a butterfly on the forehead of an elephant and she didn’t even know if it was an African butterfly. She was working on a puzzle in the shape of the state of Texas and she used my shoreline picture from when I went to Florida. So like… it pisses me off when we all get together and she acts like it’s the “only time” she ever has to get pictures in for her puzzle thing. If she spent as much time outside with a real camera (and by real I don’t mean a really crappy one she’s had for the past 10 years) as she did searching Photobucket.com for pictures of stuff, she could get some really good shots in. If it were me… I would want to actually visit the places I was going to make a puzzle out of. Like Texas… I’d want to take my own pictures from actually going there and taking
them myself, that way it’s way more authentic. I realize that not everyone can do that, but that would be my dream job. Well, besides massage therapy. Lol. Anywho, I kind of got off track. I just wanted to walk. I was going to share a story with you but when I felt up to it, my family finally came around and I couldn’t finish. And by that time I was getting tired because I was hungry. So we started walking back and even that took a while. I finally got home like 20 minutes later. After we got
home (my uncle drove my dad and me in one car and my aunt drove herself and my mom in her car) my uncle and I had a really nice conversation. He actually spoke of religion, not being one denomination but just believing in something through his photography. I was happy to hear that because I always wondered how he could look at all the beauty in the world and not see God in anything. He told me that that was exactly what he was trying to do. I think being older and living his
life (and almost losing his wife to cancer) had put things in perspective for him. he told me he hoped that I could be self-sufficient. He mentioned that I’ve never really fully lived on my own (always with
someone). I told him something that I think surprised him. I said, “How do you think I managed to live on my own in Florida for almost three years? That was allllllll me.” He was sort of taken aback but he accepted that answer and just nodded his head. Just because you live with someone like a roommate or boyfriend doesn’t mean you’re not on your own. My aunt was her usual self, bringing up the whole Ebay thing again, like I have nothing better to do with my life than set up a stupid Ebay account that I don’t even want. It costs money to put stuff up for sale and if nobody bids on it, then you lose out. I don’t think that I should be subjected to something like that. Yeah, some people are
successful. People who dedicate their whole lives to Ebay. The screwed up thing is, my aunt had an Ebay account a loooooooooong time ago. She made these couch potato things which was basically a stuffed stocking made to look like a potato. She also had this vegetable thing going on like a tomato in a bathtub type thing. She had set this all up herself and she didn’t need any help from me. So not only does she not want to take the time out to take her own pictures, she wants me to babysit this stupid Ebay site so she can finally sell all her puzzles. It’s not like they’re even bad or anything, it’s just
I’m sick of hearing about them and being forced to help her.
This sort of passive-aggressive shit has been going on with her for as long as I could remember. I used to idolize her when I was younger. And then when I started growing up and she kept bailing on me, it got hard for me to take her seriously. Then when my dad got sick, she acted like I had to be up his ass 24/7. He was bad off, but he wasn’t that bad off. And I was so stressed out. She just came on the weekends so she had no idea what went on during the week. She got to leave. I didn’t. She kept trying to get my mom to make me clean my room and she thought she knew what was best for me. My mom told her that my room has always been messy, that’s just how it’s going to be and I’M her mom, not you.
I do remember this one time I stayed over at her house (my aunt’s) and she was working on this leapfrog painting. It was my favorite painting ever. When my dad got home we started going to this restaurant in Elgin called Al’s Cafe. It has Christmas lights on it all the time and it has paintings and local art on the walls. My aunt got the idea that she was going to sell that painting (even though I had already told her that that was my favorite painting ever and I wanted it. She would never give it to me) at that place. Well, 6 years went by and eventually they took the painting down. my aunt finally “gave” it to me, telling me to hold onto it until someone else showed an interest in it. So it’s in my hallway now and every time I look at it, I think about that. It’s not like she actually wants me to have it, she
will just take it from me if she ever finds someone who actually wants it. But, this is just how my aunt is.
Normally I’m the first one to deal with the truth head on and call people out on their passive-aggressive bullshit. But this is one case where I have to keep my tongue in check and I just have to eat my feelings. I think we have a good relationship now only because I don’t take everything so personal anymore and i don’t put hope into believing in her. If she tells me she will be here, I don’t believe it until she actually shows up. It’s a lot easier than telling her she was a horrible aunt and she hurt me more times than I could count. She’s not actually HORRIBLE… she just lives in her own world. She likes to think that things are the way she thinks they are and she refuses to accept help or guidance from anyone, although she likes to complain about everything. I vowed if I were ever privileged enough to have a child in my life that looked up to me, I would do everything in my power to be the best older person I could be. in some cases it wasn’t really a choice to be away from them, but I had to respect the wishes of the parents.
Now… I’m not really that close to Kierstin anymore… it hurts but I guess it’s the way it should be. I will always be there for her but she has parents that aren’t really supportive of my friendship with her plus her dad is a real asshole. So there’s not much I can do. Plus she’s a teenager now so I’m sure there are things she’s dealing with that take up most of her time. I was a teenager once, I completely understand. I am thankful that I have the relationship that I have with my cousin, Maddy. I first met her when she was 7 months old and it was love at first sight. I remember my cousin Amy took me to
her dad’s birthday party at a casino in Aurora (which is where Amy lives). I was sitting across from Gary and Rebekkah (his now ex-wife) and I asked if I could hold Maddy. Ever since they let me hold her, I knew that I loved her more than anything and I would do anything in my power to protect her. It was instant for me. I had this instinct at 14 years old. Most people don’t ever have that instinct. i wish I could have that type of relationship with my aunt. But the truth is, I’m not 7 months old anymore. I’m 28. And she has never really been in my life as I would have liked her to be, and that’s just too damn bad for her. Well my dear, I gotta close this up. I am exhausted and everyone is gone now so I’m gonna head off.
Love you!
Love,
Rita Bo Bita
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