10/29/11
Well, I'm back. Sorry 'bout that. So, last night was a blast. Erica, Erin, Dave, and myself went to Majors and we were the only ones dressed in costume. So I felt like a whore-y loser at first. After that feeling passed, I just felt really hott!! :D I sang Blue, Dontya, and Any Man of Mine plus Whiskey Lullaby with Paul. I got super annoyed with Dave because he never shuts up, plus while we did the cupid shuffle he kept trying to talk to me and I was like, come on man I'm DANCING can you just hold the freak on? *Shakes head* then Erica was gonna drop me and Erin off at my house then drop Dave off and I was like, "that's a waste of gas, he's on the way home." I mean maybe they wanted alone time, I don't know, but it was just the point I was trying to make, you know? I'd called Steve earlier to invite him and he was taking Ryan with him to some party in Stuart so I waited until like 1:15am and called him to make sure he was safe and if he wanted to come to Majors. Turns out I have impeccable timing. He was just dropping Ryan off. So he came by for a while. I don't know if I wrote about this or not, but I'm too lazy to look. Steve and Nicole are done. She wants a "break" (of course she does, she's got like 3 other guys on the side--but would get mad if he kissed me on the cheek). But oh, "we can still hang out." she told him. He said no, when it's over it's over. Hallelujah. But now I wonder if that's Ryan's thought process as well. I don't know. Steve said Ryan had a huge pimple on his face and that he had to talk to everyone at the party which must mean he was on something because that's when he's able to socialize that way. I had a dream about him last night. The only thing I really remember about it is that he was in it, we talked, but I was very hurt. I wish I remembered what happened because that feeling carried over to this morning when I woke up with that pain in my chest and lump in my throat. I'm so hurt by Ryan's blantantly ignoring me. I just want to know if it was his choice or Nicole's doing or what. Why? I miss him and it's like I'm nothing or something. Not one word from him in two weeks. Not one shining smile, not one radiant laugh, not even an "I'm okay but I don't want us to talk at all anymore." It's like he made me make the decision in the end so he wasn't the bad guy. That's not a decision I wanted to make. I wanted him in my life forever-- even though he makes such sad choices and all I can think is that I really must love him if I see past all those rusty layers and want to have him in my life anyway. This hurts more than David and I finally separating and divorcing. I don't know why -- I guess it's cuz everyone effects you differently but also I got close to Ryan without sex muddling everything up. I didn't think it was possible to fall for someone you hadn't slept with. I know that sounds so weird to say (ugh pen issues sorry) but I don't think I ever fell for anyone I didn't sleep with first. I mean we kissed and he did go down on me once but that's it. So, I don't know Reetz. I hate this feeling, literally hate it. I miss Ryan very much and I'm very hurt and upset. I wonder if he'll be at Skeeters tonight. Even if he's fucked up, I will tell him how I feel should I get the chance. I miss him I know I keep saying it but ugh. Just ugh RITA! I guess on the next page I'll write a free write or a poem or something it might help? I mean at least it's inspiration. So, poem, free write, fave quotes, then I'll eat, then smoke (shhh) then work on my room, then write more and try to finish this and send it Monday. I'd have sent it already but clearly I'm not finished (LOL) and now my dad's envelopes are gone. So I'll just get it all ready for Monday and I will be done with this 52 pages today so by Monday when I send it, who knows how much I will have written LMAO. Anyways, here goes free write.
~I must have dreamed about you.
I woke up with art on my mind
and the urgency to throw anything
to push buttons
because my buttons ripped at the seams
a rag doll
like once porcelain
but through the brokenness
I don't bleed
the cracks don't show
only the thread
I must have dreamed of you
for I woke up with radiance
that quickly vanished
like a ghost
slipping away fading
asking me
to ask myself
why I loved you so much
if even in my dreams, you're unreachable~
Nine pages to go. I have to say this is all really coming together finally, thank God! I'll be so happy when it's complete and I can work on the new NB. Ah, a little Alexz Johnson "let me fall" while I write. I really wish they had her at Karaoke. I can sing her so well in my very unhumble opinion lol. I find it interesting they don't have many Canadian musicians for Karaoke, unless you count Alanis Morissette. I guess it's a copyright issue I don't know. I was just telling Erin how annoyed I am at Erica and Rory's "relationship" I guess I'm jealous but I feel like I get left out a lot between the two of them. I guess that's petty but Erica knows I feel that way and nothing changes. Why can't he treat me that way? He treats her like a sister! So, I am thinking hardcore about different scenarios at Skeeter's (about Ryan). Scenario 1: He'll come talk to me and we'll have a long talk about everything then he'll kiss me and hug me and tell me how much better he's doing with drugs because he's leaving soon for rehab and will I wait for him? Obviously that's a fantasy and very unrealistic but I can't help it.
Scenario 2: He'll be there, try to come talk to me, wonder why I'm upset even though he knows, and I'll confront him -- planning to be more of a bitch but not going through with it, and then he'll tell me a bunch of bullshit he thinks I want to hear and I'll just humor him but go home hoping he meant it. Any of it... this is the most realistic out of anything.
Scenario 3: He won't talk to me at all, or he will and there will be a fight and I'll regret the whole thing and be upset for weeks. I really hope this doesn't happen. But I have a feeling that if he has that attitude he sometimes does, it will happen. I mean I'll try to walk away but I know how upset I'll be. :/
Scenario 4: He won't be there. I really want him to be there though because a huge part of me just really wants to see him and a huge part of me wants him to see my costume and be like, "whoa whoa uh whoa. Why am I such a dumb ass?" But even if not that, why can't he just be a part of my life like we promised each other we would always be? But if he comments on my belly fat, it's on like donkey kong. I'll tell him OFF. Oh man, so my camera broke. Why does it always do that when I need it? Pisses me off, ya know? Pfft. So I may have to send these sets of NB letters in two separate envelopes. I also took it 10 pages at a time to try and smoosh it down to fit but the last few pages are gonna be tough, not gonna lie. *sigh*
Ugh, no one in this house will STFU as usual. Erin is ok because she's reading the quotes she came up with. But my dad is bitching, Rory is bitching, and the dogs are barking. Erin is really good at coming up with quotes. I really like them. Maybe she'll let me share them with the next set of nb letters (the last 50!) Yeah I think I'll just send 50 pages not 52. I just hope the last 50 will go super fast. Ok, a page and a half left to write. What do I have to say? I think tonight I'll sing My Immortal by Evanescence along with Fuck You by Eamon. (Erica's) and Fuck You Right Back by Frankee (my follow up) and I don't know we'll see. You just pointed something out in text. Maybe Ryan stopped talking to me because I made that comment about him leaving his drugs at home--er well him coming here, but not his drugs. If that's the reason, well then I say, "FUCK YOU, RYAN MCNAMARA!!" Even though I still really love him, that would be so shitty. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. I'll let you know what happens tonight. Who knows, that might take the whole 50 pages LOL. Time to go work on my room with Erica.
LOVE YOU!
Love always,
Bells
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