1:34am
Hey lady,
Well, it is past my bedtime but of course I wanted to write you before I went to sleep. I'm not sure if I want to tell Barry about Mike. I don't want him to be mad or jealous. But I feel funny not telling him. I wish Mike and I could just be friends. That's all I want. With the way he treated me in the past he blew his chances already. Right when I got home from Florida I was talking to Mike because I thought he would have liked that I was home. We hung out one time and we took a walk and it was nice. But then, I dunno. I wanted to hang out and maybe get to know him but I was also feeling very sexually frustrated (I was literally hitting on anything that walked upright, if you could imagine that). I liked that he was giving me attention and I didn't want that to stop so although I wasn't exactly comfortable (because I still didn't know him that well), I went with it. I didn't realize that he really expected to have sex with me on the couch of his parents' living room with them both upstairs sleeping. Ummm, yeah no thank you.
So, I guess we were talking about "stuff" and he got a little excited and wanted to show me a picture of his junk. I politely declined and he sent me a pic anyway but he put underwear on. Then I guess he got all sensitive about me not wanting to see his junk and I told him something like maybe I'm just more modest than you and he brought up a picture I had sent him 2 years ago (although it was nice to know that he still remembered that). I guess he thought I was implying that he just shows his dick to everyone, which very well could be true for all I know. So finally I said that "I guess I'm just not as comfortable in my own skin as you seem to be in yours.' He took that a lot better.
Then he texts me today and says, "I'm just checkin' to see if you're still gonna make me feel like a jerk for wanting to please your eyes." To which I replied, "so stop trying to please me then," and he said, "well that's your loss young lady." And I said, "I guess so," and he said, "too bad." and then I changed the subject. You know, I don't mean to toot my own horn but I think I am damn good in bed. I dunno what requirements make a person "good" or whatever, but I am very agreeable. Especially if I trust a person. I like to make sure that my man (whoever that person may be) is having a good time and enjoying himself (sorry about all the scratch outs, sometimes I think faster than I write). I don't even think I do anything really special besides be in the moment and appreciate whatever is going on. I know that's all any guy really wants. A real man will get turned on more by his lover than himself. I think the selfishness is really a myth. People just don't feel connected or just looking for sex to fill something inside of them that can't be fixed with another person. People think that porn is real and that is a scary world to live in.
Anyway, my point is that I don't see it as much of a loss when I don't need that kind of attention from a man to make me feel special. Plus I already have a man who knows how to treat me.. I'm not gonna mess that up. Mike can say whatever he wants but it's really HIS loss because he's not getting ME. Two years ago maybe if he had treated me better. But basically making me feel like a whore and then not talking to me for 2 months is not going to make me drop my panties.
Okay, enough of that. I'm not sure if I've written this in here or not, but here it is anyway. I call Barry my favorite pillow, not because he in any way resembles a pillow. It's because my favorite thing in the whole wide world is to lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I can close my eyes and just drive off to sleep and I know I've never been THAT comfortable with anyone to just sleep on them. He is really someone I could see myself being with for a long time, as long as he keeps treating me this way. I might really like him but if he starts acting a fool I'm gonna have to end things. I just can't have another guy break my heart over and over again. I'm not saying he HAS to be perfect 100% of the time. But even in my darkest hour I would never do some of the shit that's been done to me. And that is something I will not stand for again.
2:21am
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