Hey Chels,
Ugh what a night. I took like 3 Valarians and passed out only to wake up around 4:30am in the worst pain ever. I got up and took an Ibuprofin and turned the electric blanket on (I had it off so I wouldn't overheat) and that really helped. I had the weirdest dreams, tho. I dreamed that I got invited to Kierstin's birthday part (she turned 17 on February 9th). There was this room that was one of those play place things where you climb up to the top and then slide down. At first, I didn't want to make a big deal that I was there so I just sort of watched everyone and I saw Kassie. At first I said "Kaylee," but I knew that wasn't right. She looked up at me and her face just lit up in surprised. I said, "it's okay if you don't remember me, Kass." She smiled and sat in my lap. Then I overheard Kierstin talking about me and when I found her she was just like, "wow it's really you!?" I slid down from the top and Terri told me that Kassie was stuck up there so I went back up to get her. After we got back down I opened this door and Kyle was in the room getting drunk with Mike's friend, Brian. He was in shock when he realized I was in his house, sort of like, "what the fuck are you doing here??" but he didn't say that. I just said, "hey Kyle, Kierstin invited me. Nice house." and then I closed the door and started looking around the house. It was really nice in there.
I just can't believe Terri was 27 when I met her and she already had 3 kids and was living in that really nice house in Algonquin. Sometimes I wish that she and I were still friends but I know why we aren't really. She has changed a lot from the person that I met and her marriage is more important than staying friends with certain people. I think if Kyle was more normal, then I could have been more of a part of that family. In a way I understand, it is HIS family, but I had bonded with those kids and I didn't want to abandon them. Since I've been forced to, I've come to terms with letting them all live their own lives. I'm happy that they're not all crazy like Lisa and Rita's kids (ew I hate the fact that that woman has my name). Kyle is Kyle. I have to respect the fact that this is HIS family. And if he doesn't want me around then I can't be all creepy stalker lady. I haven't spoken to Kierstin in a long while. That's just life, I guess.
I have other stuff I wanted to write about but I really need to eat so I will bbl.
Love,
Rita bo bita
1:28pm
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5:40pm
Purple pen! Hehe.
Ugh. This weekend was supposed to kick ass and instead it blew chunks. Ugh. I hate not feeling well and having to stay home. It's actually been a while since I've spent a full weekend at home so I'm going stir crazy. At least starting tomorrow I start my new nanny job! I am so psyched about this! $75/week! Woot woot!!! First thing I'm gonna do is start paying off everything that I need to. There's not really anything I want (except the box set for Dawson's Creek; Gilmore Girls is next). I'm so happy to finally have a cushion for my ever-growing debt. I really need a copy of my credit report.
Oh! And I'm thinking of getting another rush card or pre-paid debit-- something easy to load that I can use for gas. I think the only trip I want to take this year is to see you and to see Breaking Dawn.
The only thing that sucks is this gig will only be for the rest of this year so I need to be smart with my money and pass my test. So come next year I will have my massage job finally and I won't have to depend on $300 every 2 weeks.
You know what always bothered me about Ryan? He always got like $600/wk. and he lived in a place that was not well maintained. He could be saving all of that money and yet he spent the majority of it on smokes and booze. Last time I was there he eluded to the fact that he didn't have money to save because he kept flying me out. I always made sure to choose my flights ahead of time so it wasn't so bad. And once I drove down using my OWN money. Now that he doesn't have that excuse anymore, he can live in his giant mansion all alone. A part of me misses him, but I don't have his number on my phone anymore. I don't even have anything to say. I don't even know what I miss about him. Near the end he was a real jerk and I spent the last like 5 months being mad at him. The whole thing just makes me not want to have a boyfriend ever again. What was I so afraid of in high school? If I had known that if I was gonna have sex with guys who ended up hurting me, then what was the big deal about waiting? Ugh. I know I'm just being a "Debbie downer" right now but I'm just sick of this whole "relationship" thing.
I am getting really cranky -- need to lay down.
<3,
Me
6:13pm
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11:39pm
Ugh I am so upset right now. Apparently, God DID answer my prayer, just not in the way anyone would have liked. The birth parents are taking Sarah's baby away from her tomorrow. They decided they missed her and despite the fact that "God told" them to put the baby up for adoption, that Sarah and Jeff were the right family, and not financially able/no time and energy, they wanted to take her back. It's crap. But it happens. I want to do something for her, like bring cookies and milk over and just be with her. It should be illegal to do this, or they should at least feel a little bad for putting Sarah through this. It's bad enough she has a bad heart. Does that mean nothing to these people? Bad heart + loads of stress = bad health problems. She does not need this kind of distress. I just pray that this won't be the end for them, that their baby is out there somewhere. And at least this is happening now and not a few years from now.
Whee it's official!! It's President's Day, my first day of work, Charisse's birthday, also HER first day of work, and also the day Sarah's baby gets taken away. The funny thing is, she was born on Feb 9th, Kierstin's bday. Ugh, my head and heart hurt.
Dear You,
I want to tell you how I feel, but for now I'm content with writing this note. I like you. You are turning into one of my favorite people and I love having the freedom to tell you whatever is in my heart. That is sort of why I'm writing this. I'm not sure if we will ever be more than what we are right now, and I'm not exactly sure what that is. But.. If we ever do become an official couple, here are some very important things to remember:
1. I am not an extension of you. I am my own person. I have my own thoughts and ideas.
2. I don't listen to anyone if it's not in my heart to do so. If I do something, it's because I want/need to do it. I am an avid follower of my own heart and that is it.
3. The minute you try and own or change me, I am gone. My days of tolerating that bullshit are over.
Those are the biggest rules for me. I will always take care of you and love you as long as you do the same for me.
Love,
Rita.
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That was on my mind and I had to get it out. I don't mind being someone's "girlfriend", but I'm done with all the bullshit. I'm done with insecure little boys who feel like I need to be tamed. Just cuz I am who I am, I speak my mind and I'm secure enough with myself. I often wonder why guys (or the guys, I should say) pick me if I'm not what they really want. Guys often complain about women wanting to change them. So why do they try and do the same thing to us? We are who we are.
Anywho, I got to get to sleep. Big day tomorrow!!
Love,
Me
11:59pm
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