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Hey Chels,
So, what a year so far. My ex Mike got married on January 21st, Earnest and Lauren got married today, and David and Jes are getting married on the 20th of this month. Ew!!! I know I didn't have a romantic relationship with Earnest but still.
Okay so, when Brian had told me that he quit doing drugs, I think he failed to mention that alcohol and pot are still drugs. He knew how much I went through with Mike and he never said anything about his drinking or pot smoking. If he had, honestly I have no idea what would have happened to us, maybe I could have convinced him to go to AA or something, or maybe I would have just wanted to be friends.
I used to get scared a lot because he seemed so mature for what he had been through. But I used to get this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I wasn't going to be enough for him. Or that he wanted a family so bad or fix the broken in his life. But I put all of that behind me because I was in love with him and I didn't really know how important the past really was. The first time we had sex, I cried because it was so beautiful. I felt like he was it for me (not just because of the sex but because of how I already felt about him). It was such a perfect week--we would just stay up and talk all night and listen to music and make love. I thought I was so lucky and I had finally found who I was looking for. Someone who understood me in ways that nobody else could and who just broke through all my walls. I think I had them build up from when I was younger (and I've never really thought about this) so that no one could get too close. I was so afraid of being hurt that I had just shut down. With Jenni, she really tortured me. She just used me for her own personal use and threw me away. Of course--I didn't care because after a while I just got really sick of her treating me like crap everyday plus I didn't want her molesting me anymore. Plus, the kids at my elementary school constantly said things to/about me, especially about my boobs. I guess jealousy runs deep among preteen girls. It's no wonder I let these things happen to me, as strong as I was, I was never comfortable enough to just be myself. Maybe that was my problem--I allowed these bad things to happen because I had no idea what being comfortable was supposed to feel like. I always felt so badly about my body that I couldn't just stand up and say THIS IS MY BODY AND I LOVE IT SO IF YOU DON'T THEN FUCK YOU. Even with Ryan, I had already been with him for a while before he actively started talking shit about my body. But that's what he made me feel like. And why did I put up with that? Because he was paying for me to come down there so I felt like I couldn't break up with him. The really sad thing is, that one song Just The Way You Are would come on the radio and it would make me sad because Ryan never made me feel that special and that would make me angry. I should have just stopped talking to him. That would have been just as classy as what he did to me.
Ugh. Getting off track. We aren't up to him yet.
1:24pm
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9:28pm
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Hey Chels,
What a day this turned out to be. The only thing that did end up happening was going to the library. Kendra ended up being busy and Barry had a work emergency. I forgot to mention this in the letter, but I think it's a good idea about the book club thing. You tell me what books you're reading and I will do the same and we'll write about them but if you don't read my books and I don't read yours it's okay. But if we do end up reading the same books, well, that's fine too. I picked up some plays and poetry books today. I have been trying to branch out and get away from the normal books I pick up.
I think I'm gonna curl up with this next book and put a dent in it while listening to the storm outside.
I love you,
Me
9:37pm
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