10/17/11
Hey,
I can't believe what a doofus I am! I wrote front and back on those last pages I sent. *face palm* oh well. It is what it is, and I can only move on! So, how are you? I'm starting to do a lot better now. I'm in a much more positive frame of mind finally. I had a sort of not great weekend but it pushed me to realize that I have to not dwell on all this bull around me. So, I'll begin telling you about my weekend and then my dream last night and all sorts of other stuff. So, Friday I went to Skeeters as usual and I seemed to be very popular with all the guys. Toby, Ryan, Alex, Matt and Robert! That Roland guy showed up as well but didn't talk to me at all. Oh well for him! Lol. Anyway, Ryan was fucked up as usual. The thing about him is he doesn't act like Brian did when he's drunk, he's just more sociable when he's drunk/high. Not that it makes it ok or anything but oh well. He doesn't have any filter between brain and mouth though. So anyway, he takes me into the hall where the bathrooms are and tells me how beautiful I am and starts asking me why I'm not working at Carribean Cruiseline with him and what's going on with me, etc etc. Then we got on the topic of us and I told him I know we're just friends and couldn't be more because of how his life is and he was like, "yeah but Chels it makes you mad!" And he affectionately touched my cheek. I said, "No, I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is you distancing yourself from me completely. That broke my heart." So then he said he didn't mean to do that, just that his phone got shut off and if I facebooked him my phone # he'd call me from the house phone. He also told me I was making him rethink everything. I told him very firmly that it wasn't going to happen because he had a lot of work to do. And he was just so adament, and telling me I was the only one who told him what he needed to hear, etc etc. He also got pissed off when I boldly told him that he was welcome in my home, but his drugs weren't. He was like, "don't EVER say that to me again." Pfffft. I told him I had every right to say it. None of the other guys vying for my attention liked Ryan at all. Toby and Robert (yes, same Robert) wanted to throw him into the floor. Alex said he accidentally elbowed him... and Ryan didn't like any of them because he said they all just wanted to fuck me. Even Roland was "cool" but not for me to date. At the end of the night, he kissed me and it was the same kiss that always has my heart racing. The good thing though is I took everything with a grain of salt and didn't get my hopes up. Toby bought me a rose. (He's someone I met at Shea's a couple weeks beforehand. I'm not interested in him as more than a friend). Robert was getting along great with Toby but got a little defensive over the rose. He also took me outside and kissed me that night. Alex and his friends were all trying to talk to me and get my number--crazy night. Nicole, her brother, and Steve showed up. I was fine with her until later when she and Ryan were in the bathroom hall having a private talk. I don't trust her even a little. She's already playing 4 guys so... And I still think it's her fault why Ryan and I aren't as close, his too, but definitely her fault as well. Whatever though, if they want each other, they can have each other and do their drugs together. I'm better off and I know that but it doesn't make it not hurt or keep me from being angry about it. Ryan kept trying to make comments about my stomach and I tried explaining things to him, but then he mentioned it again and I hit him really hard in his stomach. I don't feel bad about it, either. Nicole tried to sort of stick up for me but I was like, "it's okay I'm not putting much meaning behind what he says anymore." I don't want her sticking up for me. She's two faced. Anyway, Robert and Lionel left to hang out with Toby but they met up with Erica and I at Majors because Toby started acting really weird. Whatever that means, lol. Erica won a banana eating contest. She and 3 other girls got on their knees in front of 4 guys and ate bananas while the guy held it in the... erm.... appropriate position. Whoever ate it and swallowed first won a pitcher of beer. Erica won, and it was hilarious! No, I didn't even play, just watched. I found out Robert partakes in cocaine. He tried to get me to join, but I refused. he came back to my house because we were going to have sex, but he wouldn't because my brother was home asleep on the couch. It's okay though, I'm glad it didn't happen! I don't want to really involve myself with druggies anymore. I can be friends with them but that's IT. So, inbetween all that Erica found out that Justin and Eric won't talk to Erica or I until they get an apology. It's all so much bullshit, Rita. Justin and Eric weren't even involved and they're choosing the side of Nicole (who they've known maybe two years) over people they've known a lot longer. (I've known Eric for probably at least... 17 years tops and Justin I've known for like 8 years--although we've only been close for about 2, almost 3 years). Nicole is a manipulative little witch! She's turned everyone against us and no one ever bothered to ask Erica or I a dang thing. So, I'm happy to say that a huge chunk of people I was "friends" with are no longer in my life. I hope it stays that way. I'm still very angry and not ready to forgive at all. It's a shame they kicked me out over this and because I'm "too negative" on fb beccause they won't get to see when I'm happy and making something extraordinary out of myself... and eventually Nicole will disappoint them too! And as I write this, the best Bon Jovi song ever came on. "Welcome, to wherever you are, this is your life, you made it this far, welcome, you've gotta believe right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be, welcome to wherever you are..."
I really love that. It makes me feel better about where I am. Anyway, so Saturday Erica and I did our car wash. It didn't go very well. We only made $13.00 (Mason gave us $10 and my neighbor gave us $3 as we'd advertised.) You'd think with us charging $3.00 to do inside and out would bring more customers on a Saturday, but it is what it is! I had my party that night but we couldn't afford a keg so it was just a nice, peaceful, lowkey night. Erin got us Seagrams wine coolers which was very kind of her. It was Rory, Josh, Scott, Erica, Erin, myself, Alex, Vishad, Stefan, and I think that's it. I found out Vishad is a drug dealer but does not partake in the drugs. He didn't have anything at my house so that's good. This town, or S Fl in general, is like drug heaven. How sad that the world is that into such darkness. I like Alex though. He's only 24, but he holds 3 jobs and as far as I know he only drinks and smokes weed. I'd like to get to know Alex better, but he is absolutely the last bar guy I will ever give a chance to. I won't date men from bars or the internet. My two big no nos! So, that was Saturday. Oh, I also started petsitting so I had 4 dogs in the house. Plus I was feeding their cats too! Anyway, Sunday I didn't do much of anything until 2 when Erica and I went to our class for the mental illness thing. It was a harder class for me because I felt out of place this time. We had to fill out papers checking off three areas of life with the most impact and then briefly describe what happened because of our mental illness. Well, mine didn't have anything to do with mental illness, it was all circumstantial. I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness, you know? I just learned to adapt to whatever is in my head. All the bad self-talk, the anxiety, the rage.... the depression, it became my normal because it had to. Next week we each get 8 minutes to share our personal story. I'm going to type it out and put it in here before I send this out. In the meantime I think I'll tell you my dream from the other night. So. First I think it was me and Ryan B (your ex) and we were in a jacuzzi but he had a long black sleeved shirt and a hat on. We were just sitting there talking and I apologized for everything I did. He hugged me and said, "ooohhh, it's okaaay" like all sweetly. Then it was like I was falling for him again. (I don't know what the hell that was about.) Then it was nighttime and I was on the other side of my neighborhood in Tara Lakes East. I was with Cece and Rocky (the girls from "shake it up" on Disney) and Cece used this contraption she had to open someone's garage and then ran away, leaving me with Rocky. I kept calling for Cece but I was alone and then Rocky jumped out at me and she had black paint on her face so it looked like she had a black beard and she says "it's mud! you should do it, it's the best disguise ever!" Then, we were all back in the car. Rocky and Cece were in the front, and I was in the backseat, looking at the road and I was driving. We were on Lake Ida. Anyway, then I was home, in the garage, about to go inside and I told whoever was with me to be quiet because the dogs would go crazy. So, I walked in by myself and my mom and dad were standing in the living room, waiting for Tobi. I don't know if he was outside or what, the front door was closed, but I knew he was peeing. They had their hands on their hips. I went back in the garage and stood by a van we had in there. I think it was red and there was like an aerostar van (?). I tried to open the door, and then went back in the house. Brian Macnamara, (Ryan's dad) was sitting on the bottom step, like my dad does, and he was all dressed up. He said good morning to me and then I looked towards the kitchen and all these people from Skeeters were there. Ryan, and Teddy are what I remember specifically. I went to Teddy and gave him a huge hug (as I always do). I tried to hug Ryan but he turned away from me. That's all I remember from that dream, but then I was in my old house and I saw U-turn's throat had been cut. I saw the bloody knife but I didn't know what to do. Then it was later and I told my brother what happened and I was bawling and he was like, "you mean you KNEW U-turn was like this and you went to school anyway?" But I just kept crying.
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