11/3/11

11/3/11

Morning,
I'm trying to think of what to write.  I must have had bad dreams cause I thrashed around so much.  I just don't remember what they may have been.  Kayla is going to drive me nuts with her incessant barking this morning and I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something geeze.  It's so beautiful outside though so I need to try and have a good day.  Last night, Erica told me she was going to throw me a surprise bday party on a weekend I wouldn't expect, but she wouldn't know who to invite.  {um, hello.... who tells someone they WERE GOING to do something for you instead of just going ahead and doing it if you were REALLY going to?  ugh.  SO glad you got rid of her.}  This morning I thought of a LOT of people.  Tom, Colie, Brian, Vicki, Ryan, Rick, Teddy, Jeff, Deb, Hattie, Erin, Jess, Austin, Leanne, Karissa, Daniel, Dave, Steve, Alicia, Rich (even though I basically told him goodbye after everything.)  Ryan Miller, Alex, Big D, Christina, Steve L, Leah, Cass K, Cass W, Danielle, Luke, Deja, Ingrid, Alex D, Jason B, Kristen C, Kristen A, Kristen, Linda, Mason, Aaron, Melissa, Meaghanne, Paul, Robin... you (even though you obviously wouldn't make it).  That's 45 people so.  Not all of them would go which is fine.  Lol.  Oh well, maybe Erica and I will just go see Breaking Dawn part 1.  I still wish you could go with me to see it but oh well.  :( Maybe by the time you come visit or vice versa, the last movie will be out and I'll own them all.  Then we can have Kendra cupcakes again :) and have a REAL Twilight marathon.  Woo hoo.  Well I'll write more later I'm slow because I don't have a lot to say.
So, I posted a somewhat risque pic on FB.  I almost looked naked but I do have a black tube top on.  So.  Hopefully people won't make rude comments.  Yay soap opera time!
--Ok, so Erica just left to go back to work and she was telling me about how she couldn't really afford a birthday party anyway which is fine because she really should start saving her money anyway.  I just wish she'd never told me anyway is all.  But you wanna know what? It's cool because I don't want to celebrate this year anyway.  I'll be 28 and what do I have to show for it?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Still.  I don't want gifts, I don't want a party, I don't want a dinner or cake, I don't even want to see HAPPY BIRTHDAY on facebook or hear it from anyone.  I just want it to be like any other day of the year.  I know I sound negative but that's really how I feel.  *shrug* Ugh today is not a good day, Bo Bita.  I feel like bawling.  I know that's my lack of medication talking.  That doesn't make a difference though.  I just feel so unbelievably depressed.  Not good.  Not good at all.  It's Thursday, I just wanna get to page 40 so I can go upstairs and go back to sleep.  I was going to bathe Kayla but I'd rather lay in my bed and watch 8 Simple Rules and go to sleep.  I just found out Bille is coming back to Days of our Lives which is a dream come true but it's Lisa Rinna which makes it a nightmare.  I don't like Lisa Rinna at all.  She has big lips and plays the worst Billie Reed, even though she originated the character.
The only thing that can improve my mood right now is Bon Jovi and daydreaming.  Oh, and 8 Simple Rules and sleep.  That's it.  Erica told me I should make an apple pie today but I just don't have the energy or motivation for it.  :/  Maybe I'll feel better once I do my devotion for today. Who knows.  I just want this negativity to go away.  It's really bothering me to feel so blue, and such despair.  I hate it.  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GO AWAY BAD SELF-TALK!  Alright, well I think what I am going to do for now is go write the devotion for today and say see ya later.  I'll write the last like 15 pages as soon as I have good things to say, or at least something worthwhile.

Love you,
<3
star
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So I just... what a night.  I mean REALLY.  Erica and I went to Bru's for ladies night and we just talked about everything.  Eventually I did tell her Rich had sent me a picture of his penis.  The thing is, Rita, I don't remember what the picture even looked like.... No, I didn't tell her I slept with him.  I can never tell her that.  I don't want to lose her friendship.  I know sometimes she's difficult but she's a good friend and she'd never in a million years do that to me.  I'm afraid of even getting your nb now because I know you've responded to that.  I'm such a lousy person and friend.  I make terrible decisions and I know you live and learn, but the last few years... really -- wtf is wrong with me?  I all around just suck as a human being.  These are the things that make me want to literally kill myself.  Not just these things, but partially.  I have to freaking stop being so damn careless and heartless and pathetic.  This is only part of why I hate myself so much.  Ugh.  I've been negative ALL FREAKING DAY!  I'm sorry.  I don't want to be the person I was in Ohio but sometimes I wonder if I am just crazy and never really got better at all.  You know?  Like, maybe I just will never be the person I was before David.  I made dumb decisions before but I never would have hurt my friends the way I've hurt you, Erica, Erin, and who knows who else?  I've stolen, I've been an adultress, I've just been an all around crappy human.

{NAMI print out}

That is from NAMI.  I kept meaning to put it in here, and now I finally did.  I had a lot of trouble with that exercise because I couldn't even imagine one safe place.  Now, I can envision myself on a stage singing, dancing, or acting and that's just where my heart belongs.  Everything else in the world goes away when I'm singing.  It used to be that way for dance and acting but singing is my #1 love in life.  It expresses every emotion I have and lets it out to the world.  I don't know, Rita.  I'll never feel that passionate about anything else.  I love being in front of people, singing and seeing them dance or just hearing them tell me afterwards that I'm a great singer.  This woman, Deb, told me that it must be an amazing feeling to wake up with the voice of an angel.  And I never thought I had the voice of an angel.  I mean it's so nice that people think I can sing, but wow.  To hear them say I have the voice of an angel?  It's -- no... THAT'S an amazing feeling.  I remember my mom saying she's glad I sing because it's nice to see I have something I feel I can do, considering I feel like I fail at everything. But, I'm actually super freaking apprehensive about my singing.  *shrug* I remember Ryan saying I really got to him with "At Last" but he didn't say it to me.  I overheard him say it to a few other people.... Anyway about that exercise --LMAO-- I thought you'd enjoy it.  It's best if someone reads it to you.  I don't know if you'll do it, and how, but let me know what happens ok?  Man, I'm not sleepy at all now.  Well, I am but I feel like I won't be able to sleep.  It's 3:58am so it's Friday.  I guess I'll just be thinking of what a shitty person I am and of Ryan.  I hope he's at Skeeter's.  If he asks me to come back to his house, I'm going.  I just HATE not being around him.  I know, I'm pathetic.  I'm sorry.  Just... I LOVE HIM!  Why! Why! Why!  Because he's just amazing to me and I can't let go.  He belongs in my life.  As what, I don't know.  but he BELONGS in my life.  I'll write the last 9 pages tomorrow.  (er, later today.)
I'm off to sleep now.  I love you!

<3,
star