Well today is just a really shitty day. I didn't even make it to the final five last night because my stage presence wasn't good enough. I woke up today with a sore throat and now I'm all stuffed up. I've been sick every month since November. WTF. I am so tired of this. I also found out I didn't get the job I had the working interview for. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if it's me or if it's Sears or what. Honestly, I wish I could go back in time and not have done what I did at Sears. First, with my affair with Grant and then with the ring. I LEARNED. Why am I continuously paying, still? I'm still waiting for sunny days but they never come.
Love,
Star
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It seems fitting to finally write about David. I feel like this will be the longest and the hardest. By the time I finish writing about it, I'll make sure you understand (although I'm sure you do already) why I will forever just listen to my first instincts from now on...
The first time I heard about David, I was in the car with Beth and Tony. We were driving to the stockade to see Eric McCall (jail basically) when David's name came up. I was in the backseat. David, I heard, was married to a bitch and they had a new baby, etc. All of a sudden Tony says how great David and I would be together. I was like, oh yea. I'd be perfect with a married man who has a kid, sure. So after that, I heard about him a lot. As it turns out, I went to Brian's party (halloween) and I went with Oscar. That's when I met David. It was all history from there. The first 5 months of our relationship were great. Then he left for Ohio to be with his daughter. So not being with him for 2 1/2 months sucked ass, but as soon as I graduated I went to Ohio. That was my first mistake.
Life wasn't easy in Ohio but I like it at first. Then everything seemed to fall apart. Winter was kidnapped by her mom, and it took us forever to find her. Sara actually turned herself in. I'm not sure how that happened. But I'm glad it did. Unfortunately, that was only the tip of the iceberg. {actually, the first time Brian and I went to go visit you and David in Ohio, we couldn't meet Winter because of that.}When I lived with Brenda, I endured so much in the mere 5 1/2 months I lived there. First with being forced into anorexia... which still baffles me. You have a person living with you, giving you what little they have and you make them starve? I guess I shouldn't be so surprised though. They abused everything. Animals, Earl, Brandan, it was sick. And seeing it all, being starved, being sexually molested by Allen -- it was all too much. I should have run back to FL when all that went down but I couldn't bear to leave Winter and David. I figured things would get better when we got our own place finally.
Boy was I ever wrong. It got worse and I just got to the point where I held on thinking that at some point it had to get better. Then, Jack and Lynne moved in. It was ok til Lynne just left him there and went back to FL and went to jail. Then Jack got in all this trouble and child services got involved and David and I had to be made legal guardians. So here I was, barely 22 and I had to take care of two kids that weren't mine. Jack made it clear countless times that he didn't respect me at all no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't mean, but I did expect him to do what was expected. It was hard. Then Lynne came back and I thought it would be ok again because his mom was there. Unfortunately she just had the tendency to let him do whatever he wanted. Then, I was being stalked by Papoooyah and accused of child abuse.... and then I just married the jerk anyway (I guess we were already married when all that happened -- the stalking and being accused of child abuse I mean).
I'm not sure what I was thinking to marry David even though things were so bad. I guess I just believed it would all get better. I also stayed focused on the good times with David, and figured we'd have them again. I can't believe that 4 months into it, I'd be leaving and going back to FL. It hurt me so much... I had done everything and given my whole world and it wasn't good enough. I stuck up for Lynne and got shit on for it and when I was no longer able to see up from down -- I had to leave. It still upsets me that David didn't stick up for me! For him to tell me my whole world revolved around me broke my heart. And then I left and he followed me even though I told him not to leave his daughter -- all cuz he thought I was going to get with Ryan.
The next two years after that were what I thought was the beginning of our better times. I had a good job, so did he. But then Ty died, I broke my foot and lost my job... and then all of a sudden he didn't love me anymore.
Not to mention Lynne lived with us again, I got hooked on pills, and tried to see Ryan again. I pushed you away, and I was just... GONE. Again. Then we moved away to a new apartment with Erin and I went to GA to see my mom, and that was the end of my life with David. He didn't want me home, he took up alcohol and drugs, and didn't want to be married anymore. But he didn't want me to be with anyone else either. He made it impossible for me to be anything with Devin, who eventually was tired of playing games and gave up on me. It was an upsetting time for me because I'd tried so hard to be patient for David and I waited for him but he didn't want me until I gave up. (And even then, if I'd got back to him, he wouldn't have wanted to stay with me, you know?) So, I had to be the one who finally told HIM to let go and I was the one who said we'd divorce. So I feel manipulated kind of. Like, how he's able to say to his friends and family "See? She treated me so bad and wouldn't work it out with me." I understand Sara so much better now. She wasn't trying to control David. I think she just wanted to be happy and who knows what really even happened? I believe now, that David really did cheat on her first. I also believe he cheated on me in Ohio when I left.
Suffice it to say, my first marriage was an epic fail. As well as all my attempts at relationships afterwards.
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