a few more crazy entries

9/20/11

I never got a chance to write last night because Nicole came over and we hung out for a while, then I went to bed.  I don't really know what I was going to tell you about Ryan....
<3,
Star
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10/6/11

Man,
It'll be nice to finish things up finally.  I do have so much to write, too.  But U-turn and Kayla keep bumping into me, so annoying!
Ok, now that I had to *gently* nudge them away with my foot and yell at them, they stopped.  It's cool that U-turn and Kayla love each other and play 24/7, but do they have to be up my ass while they do it?  And Kayla barks every 5 seconds, and it runs right through me.  It's ridiculous.  If I wasn't against shock collars, I'd slap one on her now!  I'm trying to potty train her but she's not doing very well for a dog who was supposed to be housebroken already.  She needs a bath everyday--but other than all that, I love her.  She's sweet and loveable. LOL.  *sigh*
After the soap opera, I'm going to smoke (sorry!) and then shower!  Then write and work on NEW nbs for the rest of the day, or at least until Erica gets home.  Ok, so it's over!  Write more soon!

10/8/11

So, hi.  I don't know how much I'll write.  Right now, my stomach hurts, I feel like I'm swallowing lumps of something and it keeps getting stuck in my throat, and my heart hurts.  I don't like feeling this way over a guy, especially Ryan Mac.  You know?  I'm not sure why this whole thing with him got started to begin with.  Why am I even part of his life or what the point of all this was just to have it all blow up in my face?  I am forming my sentences poorly because I can't think straight.  FUCK.  I'll have to start from the beginning I guess.... So, last week on Thursday (9/29/11) I was with Nicole, Steve M, and Ryan.  We went to the Duke Lounge for karaoke and Ryan started to flip out (my guess is that he wasn't comfortable with his surroundings because he'd never been there, and didn't really know where he was, not to mention I think he's a lot like my btother in having a social anxiety thing.  Drugs help him escape that.)  So, anyway, we got in an argument and he tried pushing me away but I wasn't having it.  Sooo, anyway, we were fine, we sang one last time, and then we left for Nicole's house (which is right down the road.)  I knew weed would be involved *sigh* but then I found out they were doing something else.  We met up with a drug dealer and everything.  I'd' rather not say what was bought and done.  But just think of Lynne.  Yea, so I left without saying a word to anyone.  I walked down Dixie Hwy in Lake Worth to go back to Duke (not a safe area) and I was on the phone with Erin, and luckily, Erica found me.  So, then she and I drove to Sonic and I realized I had Nicole's phone.  (she left it at Duke and Erica handed it to me to give to her but I forgot to because I just wanted to get OUT.)  So, because my phone was dying, I was going to use Nicole's to call Ryan and let them know I had her phone.  I saw a text from this guy she's mentioned before and I don't remember what I said but Erica heard it and said we should see what Nicole and Rich talked about.  *sigh* So, I made a bad decision and looked at all the texts between Nicole and Rich and read them to Erica.  I wouldn't have done it, I'm 100% sure, if I hadn't been so upset.  Still, it was an invasion of privacy and very wrong.  Unfortunately, there was a LOT of sexual talk and Erica flipped out.  It started a huge fight over the phone with Nicole.  I was panicking.  We drove to Rich's house "to get answers" and we got pulled over.  We both had to take a DUI pen test and the cops made me drive.  Erica says it's because her license is expired, but the cop told me it was because I did a little better on the test.  (yes, we'd both been drinking.)
Anyway, we made it to Rich's, and he wasn't even there, which upset Erica even more.  There was more fighting between Nicole and Erica, and I got yelled at.  Erica even told me, out of anger, that if I was still friends with Nicole, she wouldn't be friends with me.  Then we went and dropped Nicole's phone off and she gave us a big speech about drama and how Erica called her a cunt etc etc.  Then we went home and I ended up talking to Ryan about everything.  He understood why I left, he wasn't mad at me, we talked it all out.  In the end, Ryan is the only one who understood why I was upset, and apologized to me.  Nicole seemed fine with me, never said a mean word. But Friday comes along and Erica and I go to walmart.  Who should call me but Nicole, flipping out on me completely.  So I basically asked her why she chose to flip her shit on me a day later and she said she didn't feel like being mad at me the night before.  Which I think is bullshit.  Probably she was too high to care the night before but whatever.  She told me I should have talked to her about how I felt instead of leaving, but I still stand by my decision and really, what kind of frame of mind was she to understand how I felt when all this took place?  She still doesn't understand!!