12:39Pm
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Hey Chels,
Well, it is finally Saturday! I want to go to the park so bad, but I have to take my dad to get his new glasses and of course he's not up yet. So, I could just go later I guess.
Anyway, I think my whole relationship with Mike centered around the fact that I wanted to be independent. I guess I overlooked a lot because I wasn't ready to leave his family. But what price did I pay? He basically badgered me into having sex in the first place. Like, this is what happened. Up until this point, I was a virgin. I was 19 and had never even touched a penis. No one had ever touched me, either. I mean, there was a little under the shirt action with Nick and one incident when he basically tried to force himself on me and I froze up... It was so weird. We were kissing and all of a sudden he wanted to be between my legs and I wouldn't open them. After 2 tries he stopped and then a week and a half later he dumped me. We didn't even talk about sex or what happened. By the time I met Mike I was almost 20 and the only experience I've had was molestation when I was younger, Geoff, and then Nick. I told Mike I didn't want to have sex until I was married, and I didn't want to get married until I was at least 23 (when I was younger I thought 23 was the perfect age to get married). So, I guess that's what prompted Mike to ask me. And he kept saying he wanted it soon, because "when you know, you just know." At first I said yes because I didn't want to stop seeing him but when I talked to my mom I thought she was going to kill me. So I wrote him an email saying I couldn't do it now. He of course got really upset about it. I remember driving over there and he took me to his work. We had to drop a package off somewhere so I got in the car with him (which I realize now was a huge mistake. I am so lucky nothing bad happened to me). I realize now too that the things he was mad about should not have been issues at all. I could see if we had been together for at least a year and I had done that, it would have been grounds to get mad. But this was 2 weeks. He basically made me feel guilty for what *I* did and by the end of the trip, we were engaged again. I picked a date that was kind of far away to see if we would still be together by then. (we were, but not in any shape to be husband and wife). I picked May 24th, 2003. This was in September 2002 and I remember because it was the weekend of Amy and Andy's wedding. So, Sept. 8 months. Got pregnant after 3, miscarried after 4, moved in after 6-7, moved out (and back in) after 8, left again after 11. And all this time, the sex was getting worse and worse. At first he told me he wasn't gonna have sex with me until after we got married, even if I begged for it. But he would do other stuff with me and that of course got me all hot and bothered and curious. He wanted me to give him a blowjob but I had never done that before and was really shy about it. He said that if he wasn't getting sex then he should at least get a bj. So I decided that I'd rather sleep with him than give him head. So I decided that the next time he said he wanted me, I was going to say, "okay." And that's exactly what happened. He and I spent the whole day together (he even went to college with me). We went to the video store to rent some movies and while Lisa was out with Carlos, we put on Dogma and started making out. Things started heating up and he whispered in my hear, "I want you." I said, "okay," and he asked me if I was sure and I said yes. That was the one and only time he took care of me. He made sure I was ready, wore a condom, and was really gentle with me. Actually, the happiest I had ever been was before we started having sex. Before he was getting some, he was such a good kisser and it was all exciting and I couldn't get enough. But after the 3rd time, well, the 2nd time was pretty awful too, but after the 3rd time, things just went downhill. Actually, after the first time (like the day after), we got into this huge fight and I should have just left, but I didn't. It went from being attentive, to getting wasted and climbing on top of me, to not even wanting any at all. When I was pregnant my hormones were on overdrive and I wanted it all the time. But he couldn't have cared less. He had asked me once why I never told him I was horny and I said, "what's the point?" We were still living with Lisa at the time. He actually told me it was my fault for not getting more sex from him because I waited too long and he was already too drunk. How fucking stupid is that? At one point in our relationship he was really possessive of me and didn't want me wearing anything that would show my figure. But he was still drinking and not really wanting to have sex with me. And all this time I'm like, "wtf is wrong with ME?" I knew that I wasn't happy, but I was stuck. As soon as we lived on our own, things were great for about a month and then that went to hell as well. He had gone from being insecure and possessive to not even giving a shit about me. He was the only guy I had ever shared this much of myself with and I could see that his drinking problem was just getting worse. The last night I spent in that house in Marengo was the night I was raped. No wait, I spent one more night and then broke up with him just to go back a week later. I wish I would have worked something more out with Terri though, like I babysat her kids on days I didn't have school and got paid for real. Instead I just got sucked back into everything. By the time I broke up with Mike for real, I felt like so much more time had gone by than just a few months. (I know I'm not writing EVERYTHING down, but you have heard a lot of these stories before. Plus it's more about me and less about what happened around me).
All in all, I think this relationship was necessary for me to learn, but detrimental to my sex life. Up until then I really felt like no one would want me, I was so messed up that I didn't think anyone normal would want me. Or that I wasn't gonna get normal because I wasn't programmed that way. I think the reason why I held on so tightly to bad things was because I always thought that I would end up being alone and I loved being kissed. It sounds stupid for someone who is fiercely independent to worry so much about when her next kiss will be. I just thought that since I couldn't just show affection the way so many other people did, that there must be something wrong.
Ugh. It is after 2 and I want to go to the mall so I can get back to writing. Plus, I need a break.
<3,
Me
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2:14pm
Wait, let me explain something. It was like, I always saw people holding hands and kissing and walking arm and arm and they looked so happy together. I was so uptight about just anyone touching me at all, I never thought I would be the girl who gets kissed in public. None of the things that happened on TV ever happened to me in real life, but all of my friends seemed to have no problem with it. I think that that's why I let a lot of things go, because I was so desperate to be accepted by someone yet so painfully shy. That was me at a way younger age, and I think Brian helped a lot with that. Which I will get into later.
Love,
Me
2:19pm
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11:43pm
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Hey Lady,
OMG what a night. I just spent the whole day watching TV because I'm trying to clear up my DVR. It was fun but also looking through everything made me realize how much TV I watch. I would rather be reading or being outside.
Ahhh. Pandora radio is my savior tonight. :P. Okay so, remember that story I told about my first kiss? Well, that was the same guy I was talking to today. We were just polite at first and then the conversation got to our last encounter and I finally got to tell him what was really going on. He just said he didn't know why I was so uncomfortable. I'm glad I talked to him but at the same time I wish we could just be friends. Instead of this "what if we had sex?" kind of thing. I just don't like him that way, and it's never gonna happen. He can talk about it and wonder all he wants, but I can't read him and I don't like that unpredictability. He was kind enough not to send me pictures of his crotch, though. Awww, how sweet. Lol.
Tomorrow will be a busy yet very good day for me. I'm supposed to go get some ice cream at Al's Cafe with Kendra so she can tell me all about her court date and what happened with everything. Her ex has SUPERVISED visitation from 11am-2pm so she wants to go around noon. After that, it's library time with my mom (my favorite part of the weekends), and maybe spend some time with Barry. You know, we have no had sex since becoming "official". I was on my period and then he got sick. So, it kind of sucks but it's okay, last thing I want is to get sick from having sex, ugh. That is never fun. Plus, it's weird that the universe is making us wait till now that we've actually talked about our feelings. But I can wait. Okay, enough of this, I have to write about Brian. Did you ever notice that right before I write something emotionally taxing, I stall for as long as I can? I wonder why. Hmmm, okay.
So, I met Brian literally 3 days before my dad's stroke. You already know this story so I'm not gonna write it again. But anyhow, I broke up with Mike in July, met Brian in September, we started dating in November 2003, then I went to visit him (and you!) in March 2004. I was still really messed up about Mike. I still felt I would never get a "normal" guy because I still felt like that was impossible for me. Guys always just wanted to be friends, which was cool with me because I always had problems trusting females (gee, I wonder why?). I think I liked the fact that it was long distance because that was the only type of relationship I could handle. I think have to deal with any relationship drama because I was too focused on the romance of it. Ugh, I still feel like I'm not explaining myself very well. Like, it was perfect for me because it wasn't like a "real" relationship. If I had seen him in person from the beginning, I would not have dated him. I wish I would have been at that Halloween party, or at least listened to you. You did try to warn me. Same with Ryan. If I had stuck around another 6 months, it would not have lasted that long.
But also, I was in a bad way because of my dad. Brian and I bonded because he was always there when I needed him and when my dad was really bad, I always needed someone. I used to take signs way too literally back then, and I felt like just because he was the first person I called when my dad got sick, I was supposed to marry him. I ignored all the red flags waving in my face (rebounding, shitty life story, bad/no relationship with parents, history of drug use, alcohol use, bad temper, the list just goes on). I think he saw me as a way out of his shitty life. I didn't see any of that. He told me he stopped using drugs because he didn't want to end up like his parents. Ugh, I need to give my hand a break, it is seriously hurting.
12:34am
4/3/2011
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