Happy 4th of July! I'm feeling extremely depressed today. I just don't know! Just so much crap. I know you're going to be disappointed in me, but I gotta tell someone and you're the only one I trust so here it all goes. I've always had a feeling that Erica's boyfriend Rich liked me. In fact, he played around with me a few times by seeing my boobs and feeling my nipples--things I knew were wrong, but figured I could handle without getting in trouble. I even masturbated thinking about him! The thing is, I'm not attracted to him and would never want to date him. So I don't know. Last Monday though, we hung out while Erica was at work and ended up having sex. I don't even quite fully understand how I let it happen. We were just joking around. He snapped photos of my breasts and of his penis near my mouth. I was a little bit uncomfortable but I didn't say anything cuz I figured it was all fun and games. How stupid am I really. Next thing I know, he's got me bent over and his dick is rubbing me. I remember saying "we're about to get in so much trouble." And then he was on top of me, inside me and that was that.
I wanted to feel guilty, but I didn't. Not yet anyway. Then Friday morning, I sucked him off while Erica was still asleep. Then Friday night I slept over again and he came in my room and we started to have sex again but Erica woke up. She was mad he was in my room and asked what he was doing in there with the light off. I could've gotten us out of it better but Rich was saying "grabbing the cat boxes" which I wouldn't have believed but whatever. Anyway, the next day, I lied to her big time to save our asses but ruined my plans for her. I told her he came in briefly and I was discussing her surprise birthday party (which I was planning). I'm the worst friend in the world! I feel like a lying whore kinda like Erin said. We'd planned to really have sex on Wednesday this week while Erica was at work. I changed my mind and decided not to though because I wasn't taking another risk or being that kind of person. I feel awful. But yea. So that's all that mess. I'm sorry.
Then, Rich started being kind of an asshole to me. He just took the joking too far and started fights with me. He acts like that so I do it back and Erica gets pissed at ME. I get so sick of having to go places with Erica but she has to do everything around her boyfriend. It can't ever just be her and I and then she gets pissed when Rich and I argue then way we do. And of course, NOW we gave her a reason to be pissed, but UGH! She says it doesn't bother her but everyone can tell differently. Anyway so I got pissed at Rich and Erica for acting like assholes on Saturday night. I went inside and was texting with Robert who had just left and decided to go hang out with him. So I left. I said goodbye to Erica and Jess and I guess because I was in a rush (he was waiting) they assumed I was getting an attitude. I don't know why I always have to be the bad guy.
When I got home from being with Robert, I proceeded to talk it out with Rich but then he got on my case for being with Robert cuz I had said I was done with Robert. I was like, "well so what if I did say I was done? I'm an adult, I told you we still talked and I'm allowed to change my mind." It just pissed me off. He was telling me everyone was mad at me so I was like, "well fuck all of you then." Lol. I guess maybe I feel like Rich has no real reason not to like Robert, he is just jealous.
But enough about Rich. I wanna talk about Robert. Lol. I'm trying not to get my hopes up or too attached because he says he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. (and ugh I get that from every guy I fall for so this is nothing new). I just bummed myself out. More later.
Love,
Star
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Well, I'm back. Even more bummed now cuz I'm bored and I was going to go to Plush Pony with a friend and now I'm not going cuz his car won't start. Ugh. And Ryan is weird IDK I'm going to leave him alone. He never talks to me or anything unless he's drinking it seems so whatthefuckever. Robert may have stopped talking to me for 2 weeks but he tried to make up for it. And he talks to me all the time -- or when he's not busy with work, anyway. But I should probably stop fooling myself -- why do I think we'll even end up together? Blah.
Still, when I think of Saturday night with Robert I smile. First, he came to see me at Shea's just to reassure me that I'd see him again because in our text I was like, "I'm never going to see you again, am I?" And he said, "Oh no, no. that's not true." and next thing I know, he's calling me making sure I'm still there. I guess his friends visiting wanted to go south for the Hard Rock Casino. So, he stopped at Shea's first and he was all nervous about me seeing him because he hadn't shaved. And when I saw him I melted. He's fucking beautiful, Rita. Shaved or not, he's just gorgeous to me. So he stayed for a while, but mostly talked to people inside. He waited for me to sing then left because his friends weren't having fun. So they dropped him off at his friend's house across the street. He grabbed his friend's car and came back to get me. Haha. So we just walked to the pool, talking (holding hands). We smoked a cig but he was kissing me before I finished mine so I threw most of it away -- cuz I'd rather kiss him. Lol. Then we sat on the ground and the rest is history.
When we had sex though--I looked up and he was looking right into my eyes. It was hands down my favorite weekend moment--probably favorite moment in all my time. I've been looked at before but never that way. He made me feel so cared about. You know, we didn't finish because people started walking around, but he still kissed me and held my hand as we walked. I told him I almost gave up on him and he said, "NO! Don't give up on me! I'm just dedicated to my job right now" so I don't know if that means he does eventually want something more or what. Man. He told me he would cheer for me and watch me on The Voice. Lol.
He kissed me goodnight and waited for me to get in the door. So adorable. And that's the first time I totally didn't mind someone going down on me, you know? I think it worried him that I kept moving cuz he asked, "what's wrong?" Lmao. I had to assure him it just really felt good. lmao. I didn't even mind kissing him afterward.
And now, he's been more talkative and open with me!
I hope i'm not getting excited for nothing!
Love,
Star
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