6:51pm
Hey--
I had this thought while driving home today and before I write anything else I need to write this down. You know how people become addicts? Something traumatic happens at a young age or whatever and you just start using. Using to forget, then things happen that make you feel guilty for using and that makes you use all that much more. The same can be said for sex and love addicts. Something traumatic happens and instead of using drugs, you are using your body. Well, I wonder if that's why some people (like me) just completely shut down. I was so afraid of what had happened to me that instead of going down one path (which I very well could have), I went down a completely different one in which I was just too afraid to experience life and consequently that led me into the dangerous path of letting my emotions come before the logic of letting someone in. I wonder if I could be an "addict" of some sort as well, but instead of using a substance or sex I'm using something else. Or maybe I AM using sex. What do you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:53pm
Hey Chels,
I didn't want to just blurt out my thoughts, but if I didn't write it down then, I would have forgotten how to word it. I'm thinking that I'm not an addict per say, but instead of going to one extreme I went the completely opposite way.
Okay so, things progressed with Brian rather quickly. We didn't really have a "normal" relationship because it was long distance, but even that didn't last long. We became official in November 2003 (after "meeting" in Sept 2003), I met him in person in March 2004, he came to visit me in July 2004 and we ended up living together until we broke up in 2008. Up until July 2007, I was relatively happy. There were things that bothered me, but it hadn't gotten so bad yet. After he started smoking pot again, things just got worse. What happened was this--in May 2007 Lauren and Earnest moved out and Nick moved in. Then he was gonna live with Nathan and Alicia which I knew was a fucking horrible decision. Of course, nobody listened to me and of course I was right. So, Ryan (Brian's friend) moved in July 2007. And he said he smoked pot and did that bother me and I said no. Because he was UP FRONT about it. So, he moved in and then Brian starts acting weird. I suspect what he's doing so of course I lash out. He basically yells at me that I need to trust him and all this other stuff. And then one night I come home from work and there he is, in the living room, about to take a hit. I know he knew when I was getting home. That was no accident. That's the first thing I thought of when I read this one part in Drew Barrymore's book, when she was relapsing. Right before she went to the hospital again, she went right out in the open and smoked some pot just because she wanted to get high and she was holding onto the secret for so long that she wanted to get caught so she wouldn't have to lie anymore. But that didn't end up happening. Anyway, I just walked right past him and into our bedroom without saying a word. Of course he HAD to follow me. He couldn't just leave me alone. He could say all the horrible things in the world to me but not let me leave. I don't remember what happened but when I didn't break up with him like I said I would if he smoked pot, he said, "I thought for sure you would break up with me." After pleading with me for DAYS about forgiving him and he doesn't know why it's such a big deal and all this other stuff. --hold on--
Ugh. I thought I would have written what exactly happened in one of my journals but I guess not. Some of that shit is hard to read. I know I haven't opened some of those journals upon finishing them.
I AM EXHAUSTED.
Love,
Me
12:07am
4/6/2011
No comments:
Post a Comment