March 31st, 2011

March 31st, 2011
12:00am

Ha! Wow... Exactly midnight. I am good! So... A couple pieces of news.

1) united states of Tara...omg! I am so getting this on DVD. Love love love it!

2) apparently Brian is in "love" with this woman, Jennifer Silk, who lives in Georgia and is married and has a kid. Apparently the guy is abusive so Brian is gonna swoop in like Prince Valiant. Tadah! Good luck with that one.

Anyhow, I want to write more but I'm exhausted. So... I'm gonna watch Tyra for a bit and maybe read before going to sleep.

Love,
Me

12:05am
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March 31st, 2011
11:10pm

Hey Chels,
Omg what a day. I got to read my book (I really think I'm gonna finish it tomorrow), I did great on babysitting duty, and I got to talk to Monique, the coven leader. She said she got my email and she got very good vibes from me and I remind her of herself when she was just starting out. So, we'll see how everything goes.

Ugh--Lauren and Earnest are getting fucking married on Sunday. MARRIED. Just thinking about it makes me sick. Ever since they met... Check this out. They stay over at Brian's and my apartment basically until we all move in together. First, Brian gets them both hired at the Best Buy he was working at. Lauren was working at the Barnes and Nobles in Deerfield Beach and was planning on going to FAU (she only lasted a week before she stopped going). Earnest needs another job besides the Kennel Club job so Brian gets him one at Best Buy also. So... About 3 weeks of this and Earnest and Lauren both quit, which pisses Brian off because he had to pull strings. It was right after they moved into that 2 bedroom apartment with us that she got the Kennel Club job (I was the one who trained her) and she started going to his band practices (creepy). It was then that I started noticing that--how do I explain this? She hated not being able to go places that he had to, like concerts. She would constantly skip work if she didn't "feel like" going and she wouldn't do anything without him. While that might sound "cute" to some people... At what point do you just say... "get the fuck away from me!!!"? I dunno what their life is like now but I'm pretty sure their marriage is going to break up their relationship. The screwy part is... He was older than mostly everyone to begin with (when I met him) and he was just bitching about how much younger everyone is than him and now all of her friends (who are younger than everyone else) are now his friends, too. Where did his brain go?
 I need to lay down.
Love,
Me

11:34pm

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11:52pm 

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Hey! 

So... I was watch Tyra Banks and that's what prompted me to write that note. It also made me think of basically every serious relationship I've had. Every relationship I've been in where sex is involved, it's been abusive. Plus, I was molested when I was little. It makes me wonder why I'm not more messed up when it comes to sex, or what I'd be like if I wasn't molested.

 

I dunno if I've ever told you this. If I have then you can skip over it. But... I've either forgotten about it or I really never told you. When I was little I had this friend across the street named Jenni. She was a little bit younger than me and always wanted to do things I didn't want to like watch really scary or grown up movies. This one night we were in her parents' bedroom and she had this metal pipe thing she was playing with. She told me to toss it to her and when I did it hit her toes and she started crying. She told me to go home and when I started to, she flipped out and pleaded with me not to. Then she said she could hit me in the toes with the pipe to make things "even".

 

So like... Our friendship was like that. We would fight and I would try to leave but she would never let me. Sometimes she would have one of her best friends over and invite me over just to ignore me and sometimes she would make me go home. I'm not sure when the molesting started, maybe 7-8? She would make up these games where one of us was the man (me) and one of us was the woman (her). The woman always got to dress in this really sexy lingerie thing (where she got that from I will never know) and the man would have to be naked. Then she would instruct me to get on top of her and pretend like we were humping each other (ew). I have no idea why, but she always wanted me to take my clothes off. This one time (or maybe it happened more than once, I can't be sure), we would play the Devil game, where we'd be naked and "humping" each other and she would scratch her nails down my back really hard and said that was the mark of the Devil or something. Eventually all of this stopped but then we started getting older and she started getting interested in boys.  I had my first kiss at 10 thanks to her. When we started to grow and develop (I developed early) she always showed me her "stuff" and made me show her mine even though I didn't have much (pubic hair). See... Now I have no idea what the line is between exploring sexuality (you know, like kids do), and just plain OMG that is so wrong. All I know is I remember not ever wanting to participate and not wanting to play those games and never being comfortable in my own skin.

 

Right before 5th grade (I was in a private school so my start date was different), Jenni brought home this guy named Gavin Washington who had a cousin who I now know is Michael Ledbetter. Anyhow, apparently Mike liked me and he would not leave me alone. The first time we all went to the park and my friend Casey was there but she was kind of excluded which I thought sucked because I did not want that to happen. I just could not get away from that kid, Mike. There was this huge rainstorm and the boys had to leave really fast so we went home and I remember Jenni calling Gavin up and making me talk to Mike. Keep in mind that I'm 10 and this boy is 8. He asks me why I didn't let him kiss me and I said, "I dunno, I'm shy I guess." and he said something (I'm not really sure about this conversation, all I remember is being on the phone, not really wanting to be on the phone because I didn't like boys yet). So, the next thing I know, Jenni and I are walking to the high school. Apparently the boys were coming back so Mike could kiss me. I remember him getting really close and I pushed him away, I think I shoved a Gatorade bottle at him or something.

 

The 2nd time we met was on the 2nd day of school. It was still rainy but not so bad. I remember skinning my knee on Jenni's driveway and when I bent over to take a look, Mike was checking out my butt. It got to the point where I couldn't walk with him behind me because he would always just come up to me and touch my butt, which I didn't like at all. At one point we were sitting on a bench and I was looking at my watch. I heard someone say, "kiss her!" so he kissed me on the cheek. He wanted to try French kissing but I had to go (my dad said I had to be home by 7). As I was getting up to leave he wanted another kiss and I didn't want to give it to him so he started chasing me so I actually said, "if you come any closer I'm going to beat you up!" I feel silly about that now, but I really felt like he wasn't going to get the hint any other way.

 

I remember in years to come I used to berate myself for not giving him my number, especially when I went through middle school and high school and I couldn't be with boys the way other people could. I just couldn't imagine holding hands and kissing actual boys, so he was my "boyfriend" for a while. Until I was 15 and kissed Geoff, but that is a different story entirely.

 

Holy fuck it's after 1am and I have to get up early to take my dad to a stroke club meeting. I can't believe it's Friday already.

 

MORE STORIES TO COME! 

Love, 

Me 

1:18am