April 1st, 2011.
11:30am
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Hey Chels,
Wow new pen. Old one is fading in and out. So... Where was I? Okay so I dated Geoff when I was 15 and he was 13. We only dated for 4 months because after my gramma died I was just so messed up. I kept saying I wanted to break up with him then changing my mind. Looking back... If we never broke up, we would prolly be married by now. In high school he was the only boy I really ever trusted, after he got over the whole being abusive thing. After he and I broke up we didn't talk for a while and then we were kind of thrown together quite a bit. When we were around Jenne and Dani he was nice, but if we were alone or with Jen G he would get violent. I remember this one time he yelled, "FUCK YOU!" and pushed me by my boob into Jen's computer room. Another time he hit my toe with a hockey stick, another time he pushed me and I fell on my knees. I tried telling Dani and Jenne about this but they just thought I was being overdramatic. And I guess Geoff wanted to go out with Dani so they found him a new girlfriend, Diana. But not once did they ever think to set me up with anyone (not that I really cared). Geoff and I weren't friends for a long time but by my senior year we were inseparable. But I guess he was afraid of me breaking his heart again.
When I was 19 (and going out with Nick), Geoff told me he was in love with me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had dumped Nick for Geoff. Or did he only say that to me because he already knew what my decision would be?I dunno. To be honest, I'm unsure of what my relationship with Geoff has to do with Jenni, but I'm pretty sure that I was afraid of getting too close. He probably would have been my first, had I stuck around long enough. It's funny that I was always so uptight about who I let touch me, but I ended up losing my virginity to someone who ended up mistreating me in a variety of ways.
I need to find some breakfast. But I will write about all of this after I get home and I can write forever. I think all of this shit is important to get through. It is just very emotionally taxing. Ugh.
12:03pm
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5:33pm
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Hey Chels,
Wow... The number 107 has been following me around. I wonder...
(Lauren and Earnest's wedding):
4/3/2011
4+3+2+0+1+1=11=1+1=2
Earnest's bday:
5/1/1980
5+1+1+9+8+0=22=2+2=4
lauren's bday:
9/5/1987
9+5+1+9+8+7=39=3+9=12=1+2=3
I had to do that in case my experience today with the number combo and the feelings I'm having towards this joke of a wedding. Ugh, I want to write but my fingers are freezing.
Love,
Me
5:45pm
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8:30pm
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Hey Chels,
::le sigh:: I miss Barry :(. He's still recovering from being sick so we haven't been able to hang out that much. I just feel so good about everything. Ever since our talk or whatever, we have been opening up a lot. I was watching this Tyra show about abusive relationships and that's what prompted me to really open up about what has happened to me. I texted him and said, "I just wanted to say thank you. For just being you, for not being abusive towards me and accepting me." he said there was no thanks needed, but was glad I appreciated it. I know he's not perfect by any means, but as long as he treats me with respect now and from now on, that's really all I'm looking for. I know his last relationship did not end well so he is going to be a little shy about jumping into something new. Hell... If he was pushing me into being serious or saying the "L" word right now, I would have to call it quits. I know he cares about me. I can tell from the way he touches me and the way he looks at me before he kisses me. I get it. It's like that song, "more than words.". I don't need to hear it from him, at least not where things are right now (just the beginning).
Apparently he's always known how he felt about me and that makes me feel a lot better. Makes me feel like everything that has happened between us wasn't because he just wanted a rebound. I probably could have dealt with it if we did burn out because as long as we stayed friends, that's all that would
matter to both of us. But it's apparent that this is what he's wanted since the beginning. I know I was curious in the beginning to see if he would try anything and after a while I stopped worrying about that. He was with someone (I had to hear that from Korey because he never actually came out and said
something until way afterwards). Plus... Even though things weren't perfect with Ryan, I was still going to see him. So we had that whole time to talk and hang out as friends and I always enjoyed being with him. When we reunited after both of us had gone through breakups around the same time (how often does that happen?), I was just so happy because I really missed him. We had talked about being
snuggle partners and I guess he really didn't want to scare me off because he kept saying "nothing sexual", and I was all for it because I was really deprived. Even when I was with Ryan, I made sure I had my boundaries up so I couldn't get in any trouble (or minimal anyhow). Meaning, the people I would normally be all snuggly with were off limits. And what was I getting? 10 days of sex and fighting. I had even stopped crying after my visits. In the beginning, I would savor everything and when I got home I would cry because I missed him so much. But after a while I stopped doing that. I also got more secure and I didn't worry so much about other women because he and I had that "special bond" or whatever, and honestly I think he liked it better when I was more messed up. I was with Brian for 5 years. It was hard enough finally being away from him. He hurt me so deeply that I am still scarred from it. But I allowed myself to be swept up by the romance of it all.
By the time I met Barry, I was healing very nicely from everything. I had felt more connected to home and I needed Ryan less... In a way I know he helped me heal but I also know he wasn't right for me.
Anyway... I want to share all these stories with you but I have to start at the beginning (also, it helps me to go backwards). Ooh! You know what I could do? I will go through my old journals... On second thought... I don't think I'm ready for that yet. ::sigh::... I wish I could take this outside and write. I want to go to the park so badly and find the perfect place to write. I think once it starts getting warmer out, I'm going to do that and when I'm finished up in here, I will use that spot for my video journals.
THUMB HURTING!!
9:15pm
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11:51pm
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Hey again!
So, I guess until this whole story is out, I am just gonna keep on "writing dumping"... So for this section you might want to get comfortable. (as if you haven't figured that out by now). So... Mike. I'm not sure why I even liked him. I remember the first time I met him. It was august 16th, 2002. I was working as a lifeguard. He met me on match.com (I was a member when it was still free). He had contacted me before and asked if I liked tall men and then I never heard from him again until the next year (2002). I remember I was working as a lifeguard and there was this guy that I liked. He was OMG so fine! 10 years older than me, African American, and the sweetest guy ever. I wish I could have dated him. I would have if he wasn't married. He was a really sweet guy but he was a flirt so I didn't really know if he liked me but it didn't matter. I remember this one day he and I were on duty but it was raining so nobody but these 2 girls came to swim and of course no one could swim while it
was raining so we had a cookout (the older girl kept bugging me to let her cook these hot dogs that were almost expired). So we had a cookout and then it cleared up a bit so I went for a swim and ended up scratching my chin and Myke saw me do that and checked it out for me. No there wasn't any funny business. But the last time we worked together I remember there being a meeting and he hugged me really tight and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered something in my ear but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. But it was the week after that, that I met Mike. I had the morning shift and I do believe it was one of my last shifts (because school started around the same time).
Anyhow, I drive from work to my favorite bookstore in Geneva, Borders. I went to the Old Navy to get a new top and then I sat and read until it was time to leave. When I got to his sister's apartment complex, I waited around for a while and then called. His brother, Joe, picked up and I'm sure he
thought I was crazy. I remember being on the swings waiting for him to show up and it reminded me of the week before when I waited for like an hour until I gave up and went home. When I got home he told me he had just gotten back from Missouri to visit his sick gramma and I was welcome to drive back. Yeah, no.
So, he comes down with his friend, Steve (who I end up having a very charming friendship with) who says, "wow, you're way cuter than the last one." Lol. I broke every rule starting that night.
1) meet up in public--did not do that.
2) do not get into a car with a stranger--Steve took Mike and myself to the liquor store upon 5 minutes of knowing me
3) don't share your first kiss in front of people (that's moreso my rule, I think things like that should be saved for when no one else is around)-- we made out on the couch in front of his brother and his buddy, and one of the little kids caught us and pretty soon it was public knowledge that I was "dirty".
I guess the kid saw us kissing and said we were having sex or something and Mike's sister got mad, that made for an interesting first meeting.
4) don't rush into things -- that same day/night that he met me he asked me to be his girlfriend and I liked him so I said yes.
5) If a person says, "I love you" before at least 3 months -- run!! --he said it after a week and a half and proposed to me while on the phone drunk after 2 weeks, and I stayed with him!
6) don't get pregnant unless you're in a long term, committed relationship-- had sex after 2 months, got pregnant within 3 months.
7) never go out with the same person twice. There's a reason why things didn't work out the first time!
To this day I have no idea why I stayed with him so long.
12:53am
4/2/11
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