1:53am
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Hey Chels,
How was your day? I hope it was good. Mine…. it was a mixture. I just got home from Barry’s and I have to say that like… yeah on the one hand I like him, but there are certain things that I don’t like. Like… we haven’t had the talk about how many people we’ve slept with which is fine but like… it’s not good that every time he mentions a member of the opposite sex I automatically think, “Did they ever sleep together?” The thing is… I’m okay with not having a boyfriend. I just dunno how much longer I can go on sleeping with someone who I’m not that serious about until it either gets serious or it stops. I personally think that I’m getting more attached than I’m willing to admit and I’m not sure what is gonna end up happening. I’m not even worried about losing him as a friend or anything, it’s just harder when I have no idea what he feels about me. I thought about getting him something for Valentine’s Day but that was a no go. I don’t even want to think about that day and all its romantic connotations. I’m through. I have had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day every year since I was 19 and now I just feel like I’ve had enough. I still picked up a card for you, though.
Also, why do Barry and I have to have sex every time we see each other? I know you are going to kick my ass for saying that but it’s like… we really don’t HAVE to. I’m good with just hanging out. In fact… I am actually starting to miss the days of just curling up together and snuggling to watch a couple movies… I dunno. This is my problem. I know we can’t go back and yet I find myself in too deep and scared about what might or might not happen with us. So what do I feel like doing? Bolting, of course. And of course if I ask him how he feels about me I run the risk of opening a Pandora’s box of things that I feel like I’m not ready to know yet, good or bad.
Well, it’s almost 2:30am here and I need to lay down before I literally fall asleep sitting up with a pen in my hand. I will write more soon, promise!
<3,
me
2:23am
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1:06pm
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So… I’ve decided to FINALLY mail this out to you on Valentine’s Day so that gives me 6 days to finish this up. I think that’s completely fair. I can’t believe I’ve been working on this thing for 5 months now (I started in September with the diary).
So… I miss Matty :(. I guess things are getting really serious between him and this girl… I kind of figured it would happen… I just miss my buddy. The stupid dynamic of male/female relationships makes certain things nearly impossible to deal with honestly. I just mean that no matter how much of “one of the guys” he may see me as, I’m still a girl. This pretty much always happens when a guy friend gets a girlfriend--suddenly I don’t hear much from him.
I decided to take a break from Barry… just not texting him or checking my phone so often… I already had to babysit my phone for one guy, don’t care to do it again. Just need to give my head a break!
Ugh… need to get my check cashed and then I’m going to my friend Mark’s house to watch the rest of Season 2 Rescue Me marathon.
<3,
me
1:30pm
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