5/3/11

5/3/11

Hey girlie,
I am at the library.  I just checked out and I am very disappointed.  I got three CDs and the one I really wanted (Michael Buble) wouldn't open so they told me I couldn't take it.  Maybe next time.  I'm batting zero in life right now... I really wanted to audition for Chicago today but I lost my music.  I guess this is where I should be all "it's okay, maybe it's not the right time."  But it's not ok.  I'm so ready to just do what I love most--perform.  Or maybe this is where I should be like, "no!  I'll do whatever it takes!" And honestly, if I had $$ I would.  I'd just buy the sheet music for it, or something.  I'm just feeling so defeated. No money.  No job.  No phone.  (it's being a pain in the ass.)  No real friends... I feel like deleting facebook and starting over and adding only family and people I can count on.  I'm back to pushing people away except this time it's not you.
I'm glad to finally be done with Erin.  I've never had so much trouble with a person before in my life as far as friends go.  Still, it hurts to be called a whore, slut, and user. I can get past being called a ridiculous child because I know that sometimes my way of handling things is very childish.  (i.e., disappearing/deleting one from facebook without a thought and lying about it).  But the other parts really bother me.  Maybe--no, honestly, I really am sure that it bothers me as much as it does because I'm terrified that it's true.  Not the using people part--I know I don't use people.  (Although, I do need to confess something in that regard, in a minute).  However, I look at my sexual/romantic history and I feel whoreish.  Maybe she's right--I'm a whore and I have no respect for myself.
I've slept with:
1. Gabe (was it rape?  or am I just pointing fingers?)
2. Tyler--I was afraid to say no
3. Josh
4. Mike
5. Jason
6. Oscar
7. David
8. Devin
9. Grant--he was married (**so was David when you first slept with him**)
10. Eddie
11. Austin
12. Mason--plus I made out with his brother.

I think that's all but I feel like I'm forgetting someone. I made out with Mark, who Erin liked.  We were so close to having sex too.  And I don't have a new best friend every week.  I mean I went from you, to Erin.  Now Erica. Over the span of 3 years.
I guess I just don't get how deleting her from facebook is bad enough to be called a whore, etc.  I'm really strugging to just move on.  I'm beating a dead horse, but writing about it is really helping!

Love,
Star
{okay, let me just say that you're definitely not a whore.  A real whore would never be able to call herself one much less feel bad for anything.  And who is Erin to dictate who you are?  Fuck her!}