8:32pm
Hey Chels,
I hope you are enjoying that movie. I have been wanting to read the book but it's not at my library yet. But, I remember when that happened. I'm not sure what year it was, 2005 maybe? But I remember her going back in the water and I always thought that was amazing.
So, I am now reading 4 books at the same time. I want to get up to 7 (ambitious, I know). So, I'm so excited to see you via webcam (cam frog)!! I am sitting here anxiously awaiting your return home from the movie so I've decided to write.
Omg, where to even start? Ugh, my mom is singing and it's annoying me to all hell. Yet, I feel too distracted to listen to music. Ahhh fuck it--anything is better than listening to my mom sing. Lol.
I had the most intense week, it feels like. It's weird but like, recently I had been feeling the need to say whatever was on my mind to whomever it was directed at. Nothing bad, just honest. And then Tuesday there were a couple of things I knew about but kept to myself. But I will get to that.
9:53pm
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Chels--
Hey! So glad I got to see you! Eeeee!!!!! Okay so, where was I before I got interrupted?
Okay so--I was supposed to see Barry on Sunday but that didn't happen because he had a work emergency so I got to see him on Monday. Work was okay on Monday. I got to his place around 9pm and ended up staying until after 1am, which was probably why I was so tired on Tuesday. I literally felt like I hadn't slept at all. Well, first there were the sea monkeys. I saw them swimming around on Monday but when I went to check in on them on Tuesday, I couldn't find them. Well, when Mackenzie came home, I didn't say anything at all, just let her go check on them. And when she came into the living room, I just looked around for the sea monkeys I already knew weren't there. She started to defend herself and I was like, "it wasn?t your fault at all, these things just happen." She seemed okay with that and she wasn't upset or anything, she just flushed them down the toilet and the rest of the day went okay, until Charisse came home. Wait, that was Monday. Monday Charisse came home and she and Mackenzie got into that huge fight about what is theright book to read for school; a comic book or chapter book. Tuesday I had to leave early because Barry needed me to walk his dog for him because he overslept (he needed to wake up for work at 6am but that didn't happen). (Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I'm trying my best to get the days straight). So, I get to his house and I thought of going to the bathroom but there was something weird going on so I thought I could just go at the park. OMG was I wrong. Every bathroom was closed. I didn't have to go THAT bad, so it wasn't a huge deal, but I still could have benefited from a bathroom. Oh and okay, this is weird. Barry lives off a busy street. It's like --street diagram--
I was waiting for the cars to pass before taking Killer across the street. I could tell he really had to go potty so I was trying to hurry when this car slowed down and this 13 year old black kid rolled down his window and started asking questions. I had my iPod in my ears. So I didn't know what in the hell he was saying. I guess he wanted to know if Killer was a boy or girl, friendly, and if he could pet him. I was caught so off guard I was just like, "umm okay I guess." So he started getting out of the car! Like hello? This is a main street! So, they move into the complex and when they do I move it because at this point Killer HAS to go and you know dogs, they won't go just anywhere. So the kid gets out of the car and shouts something like, "hey where are you going?" I just shouted back, "maybe another time," and after that just walked around the park with the dog. Aside from having to pee, I enjoyed myself. Killer is a big energetic dog, but if I get him tired enough, he'll be better on the way home. I love how he walks next to me like he would protect me if he had to. Or people just won't mess with him cuz he's a big dog.
So, when I got back I decided it was time to go to the bathroom but when I got back, I took one look and was completely disgusted. The bathtub, toilet and sink were all filled with sewage. I thought about texting Barry about it but for some reason I didn't and he told me about it later. Apparently there was something wrong with the drain.
Then, Wednesday was a nightmare. I was reading my Marilyn Monroe book when Mackenzie came home. She told me she had homework, a book to read. I asked her if I could see it and she flipped out on me. When she came back from her room (wearing only a blanket standing in front of a window with no curtain down), she showed me the book, another comic book. You know, as long as she's reading SOMETHING, I really don't care what the fuck she reads. She took a shower and I guess that plus the sirens outside woke up Faybian. So I've gone to this routine of changing him as soon as I get him out of his crib. Well, I was in the middle of doing that when Mackenzie came in and started "helping." It was annoying me because I was trying to get his diaper on and she is trying to pick him up. I was just like, "can you leave me alone please so I can finish this?" And she was like, "fine I won't help again." And when I got to the living room she was cleaning out the dishwasher and banging the cups to get the water out. That was ANNOYING! So, I just started reading my book and ignoring her until Charisse came home. It was Wednesday so it was supposed to be yoga day. Well, needless to say it was not fun. After about 5 minutes, Faybian started screaming. Somehow we all made it through, and then when Charisse made dinner I talked to her about what happened. She had a talk with Mackenzie right then and there. There was a bit of fighting but finally we all said positive things. But then after that she got upset again because Charisse and I were trying to have a conversation and she was just going nuts trying to get attention. I don't know why but this always happens -- she will be fine one minute and then she will just scream and cry. I don't get it. Well, Charisse completely broke down. She asked if it was her and I said, "I don't think it's either of you, I just think there's a lot going on and it's a lot to handle." We talked for a while -- I ended up not leaving until 7:30pm. I was supposed to see Barry but that didn't happen until yesterday. I got there about 9pm (again) and I ended up not leaving until almost 3am. I probably could have stayed overnight but it was a work day. Well, for him at least. We ended up talking about a lot of things, especially exes. I told him that I'm okay with not saying "I love you" yet because in my experience it's been too heavy handed. Meaning, the only guys I've ever been with have been very misleading with those words. Just like what I have been writing about. In my experience, this is how things go: I love you, I love you, too = him: great, now that I have her, I can be as shitty as I want to be. I love you = tears, a broken heart, hurt feelings, insecurities, bad behavior, ignoring red flags, complete disregard for my actual feelings, false sense of security, excuses for pointless fighting, sex with mixed messages, no grasp on reality of what love actually means, abandonment, more tears, and loss of someone I thought was special.
When I say "I love you" again, I want it to be because the person knows everything about me (and I mean EVERYTHING) and really and truly accept me. I dunno if that person is Barry, but I'm willing to see if it is. So far this thing with him is this: a learning experience, not casual, not like anything I have had before (see above paragraph), open and honest, impossible to ignore feelings more than just friendship, a great and refreshing sense of humor, a best friend, a willingness not to rush anything, the strangest things in common (we both lost our virginities at 19 to someone who was 25 years old). I'm sure there's more but right now this is all I can think of. He does have a somewhat high sex drive, I think that's why he tends to go for the crazy girls. I'm not exactly crazy, but I don't have any problems with that. Oh and another thing to add to that list--I don't care either way if we have sex or not when we're together. I'm sure he feels differently but I don't need it THAT much. From what I'm understanding, this is a common occurance in his relationships, although they haven't always worked out because of the crazy. So maybe this relationship is different for him, too, he still has someone with a moderately high sex drive, but he doesn't have to worry about me. I can be on my own, I don't have crippling insecurities, and he can have serious conversations with me.
Ahhhh wow, it's almost 1am and I'm still writing. Think I have to stop soon.
Anyways, that brings us to today. I slept till almost 1pm. Then I had my ultrasound. I almost started crying because my bladder hurt so much (from being full). It all went well though, still have no idea if I have insurance or not but I guess I'll find out sometime next week. After that was finished, I decided I was hungry and I didn't care--I wanted McDonald's. After that I came home and I've been here ever since.
So, that sums up my week. I don't think you will be home soon so I am going to lay down and read for a bit. Will write more of the other stuff tomorrow. By that I mean, I will spend more time on the "couch" lol.
<3,
Me
12:50am
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