12:59pm
Okay, where did I leave off? So many memories are jumping out at me at once. Okay, btw the movie we went to go see was Pineapple Express. Okay so, by the time I got to the beach house I was so wiped out. I was starving. But when I saw him, all of that went away. We sat in the backyard for a bit and then walked over to the boardwalk to get a drink (should have been my first clue). He had asked me how many long term relationships I had been in and I said 2. He started talking about all his relationships not lasting more than 3-4 months; he never follows through on anything and if the relationship isn't screwed already he always does something to fuck it up. My mind rushed back to the memory of you telling me he had said the same thing to you way back when. A couple things are funny about that: 1) despite the fact that people DO change and grow up (are you the same person you were 8 years ago?), I feel like this was a prelude into what really happened and why our relationship went south; and 2) I knew I should care about this, but I just didn't. I didn't want a relationship so I didn't care what happened.
We took a walk on that huge pier and then down by the grass. We found a spot near the end to sit and just watched the moon. At one point he was in front of me and I had my legs wrapped around him but we were both facing the same way (towards the ocean). He was holding my ankle and I was telling him the story of when I fell on it at the post office when I was with you. He gently rubbed my ankle and then faced me. We sort of tumbled into the grass and started kissing. While that was going on, the strangest thing happened. I heard bagpipes! I have never before heard random music while making out with someone. After it started getting late, we said goodbye and I got home. When I got there and onto the computer, I noticed something was wrong. Brian had put a virus on the computer so I couldn't go on there. A couple weeks prior he "caught" me doing stuff on cam frog (I was in an adult chatroom) and he got so mad, accusing me of cheating and all this other shit. I was just looking! Plus, from only having sex twice a month for so long, yeah, I was a bit sexually frustrated. But why wait 2 whole weeks before doing that? Omg, so stupid. For the record (and please don't judge me for this), but I often masturbated after having sex with Brian. As I have later found out about myself, it can take a while before I feel like I need a break. It usually takes me 2 minutes to orgasm and after that I just keep going until I can't anymore. Well, with Brian (even when things were great), I had this problem--that I still wanted to masturbate afterwards. After things slowed down I was doing it a lot more. And I always felt bad, like something was wrong with me or something. So when Ryan came along, he was giving me the attention I hadn't been getting for so long. So hanging out with him at that point was filling a major void. That whole week turned out to be a major bust, the stupid hurricane gave us two days off of school (which we actually needed), so we all had to cram everything in on Thursday. It was a nightmare but I got my project done and took my final. My last class was hydrotherapy and we all had to be in groups of 3 or 4 to figure out a business (what we would name it, services, location). Since I was absent that day (the only days I took off when I wasn't sick were when I was with you) because I was helping you look for drugs, I got stuck with Curtis and Margarita. Curtis was all about the project for about 3 weeks, and then I have no idea what happened. He was psycho over the design plans and then stopped talking to both Margarita and me. So when project day came, Margarita and I had to go with a completely different thing. Before the hurricane, we had done some of our research and put something together ourselves. We said that Margarita and Curtis were married but she killed him or something like that (lol!). So, that was my last day of school.
The day after my last day of school was Friday, August 22nd. Looking back at this, I wish that Ryan had not left hickies on my neck. I would have still broken up with Brian, but there would have been so much less drama. Anyway, I honestly can't remember what I did that day before going to see Ryan. My plan was to spend the night, even if we didn't actively say that. I told Brian I was staying at Kristie's and then just left.
We went to another bar (closer to the dock) and I had a mojito. It was NOT good. The place was packed and there was only one spot open at the bar so he stood up and I sat down. We finished our drinks and walked along the beach until we came to those rocks and we stayed there for a while. He said he would most likely never see me again (because I was leaving) and I said, "of course you will." I remember we were walking back to the house and I was looking down. He lifted my chin up and kissed me and again I thought of you. After we got back to the beach house we went for a swim and basically made out in the pool for 4 hours. That's where I got the hickies (there were like 4 of them all in one spot so it looked huge). After we got out there was a little debate over where we should sleep. At first there was the couch in the living room but that wouldn't fit both of us so there was the bedroom (yikes). We curled up next to each other and at first there was nothing going on and then it all happened at once. We never had intercourse, but he did go down on me like 3 times. That part felt good but when he fingered me it was way too rough. It was all just very surreal and strange. We finally got tired enough to sleep and he just kept his arms around me the whole night. In the morning I didn't even have one flash of guilt. It was more like: holy shit how am I going to explain this hickey? I was wearing that short sleeved hoodie you gave me (it was a favorite among your giveaway clothes) and that seemed to cover it up for the moment. Until Brian and I went to the check cashing place and I went in after a while of sitting in the car and you could see the hickey (it was huge). That car ride home was super fun. As soon as we got home, he started questioning me. He had to go drop Ryan off at his mom's house but when he came back he was all over me. Then I had to work. Stupidly I had written everything that happened in graphic detail and as soon as I got off work Brian followed me to our room and asked me, "so how long have you been cheating on me?" I just looked at him. I was torn between lying and telling him, "what does it matter to you?" In my mind, what he did to me over the years was so much worse than what I had done to him. In my mind, this was my way of saying, "FUCK YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" but physically couldn't. I lied like there was no tomorrow. He knew some of what happened and he kept asking me. I went in circles, not really caring enough to say how I really felt. Not once did I ever confront him and say, "I did this because __________." I just sat there again and let him say all of these awful things to me. He started saying how all this happened in June when I first started hanging out with Kristie again (she had just gotten out of a bad relationship). I eventually just said, "I don't want to be with you anymore," and that's when he started really crying. I felt so alone at this point. None of Brian's friends were speaking to me, you weren't there anymore, and now I had to leave my best friend of five years behind.
My mom wanted me to get out immediately. I had the afternoon to clear out my stuff and I ended up leaving a lot of it behind. Looking back I wish I had started a lot sooner, asking around for bags and empty boxes at work, throwing everything out that I didn't need and putting all my stuff in boxes. But of course I waited until the last second to do any of this. Margarita acted as a buffer, which helped because Brian would come in the room and start bawling. He refused to help because that would mean I'd be leaving sooner. As much I got to take with me, it was only about half of what actually mattered. I gave those boxes to Margarita and of course when I tried getting ahold of her to get it back she never got back to me. Mostly because she had to get rid of a lot and I think she was embarrassed. But I had been trying to contact her!
Anyhow, I just left a lot of it behind also because Brian had given it to me. I kept a few things, but that was it.
I left on a Wednesday. I found a hotel to stay at Monday night and Tuesday I got the car fixed and ready to go. Wednesday I said goodbye to Margarita and was on my way. I drove 8 hours a day, stopped and took breaks, talked to Ryan, Steve and Beverly a lot. The first night I stayed at the hotel I just found a spot near the pool to sit. I wanted to swim but didn't want anyone to see me. I just sat there asking myself why I wrote all that stuff down, why I messed around, why I couldn't just say that stuff to Brian, why I left him call me a worthless piece of shit. Holy crap I need a new pen already, hold on.
Alright I'm back. I ended up having $1200.00 worth of stuff wrong with my car so I took it to the Firestone. Ryan said he expected me to come to his work but 1)I didn't want any handouts and 2)I didn't know where it was. If I had let him fix my car up on a discounted price, he would have gained control from the beginning and that was the last thing I needed. Even after all the work, I stopped the car because of a sudden downpour and grease popped off the axle so I stopped in Macon, GA to have it fixed. I remember walking to the mall and hanging out there until my car was done. I got a nice chair massage, bought some new clothes (especially underpants), then headed back to the Firestone to check on my car. It wasn't ready yet so I sat in the waiting room and listened to these people talk about church. I felt like bawling my eyes out right there, but I didn't. finally I got my car back and was finally on my way again. Wait, the grease popped out in Tallahassee (Sp) and I stopped on the border of GA to sleep in this tiny hotel that only had an outside pool. I asked the lady where there was a Firestone and she said either this town or in Macon. I wanted to get as far as I could before I had to stop again so I picked Macon. It was still somewhat early so I drove till I hit a town and country inn in Tennessee. At this point I had talked to my Uncle Ken (I had stopped in this restaurant in Ruby Falls that claimed to have the best bbq ever--they weren't kidding) and asked him if I could stay with him and Joyce for a night and they both said it would be okay. So I drove from the restaurant to the hotel and went swimming. I was by myself so I just cried my eyes out. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I didn't for about 2 months afterwards. When I had gotten back and checked my phone there were some texts from MY screen name calling me a whole bunch of names. I thought about saying something like FUCK OFF but I didn't respond. I was just spent. I had set it up to where Brian could IM me if he needed to from his computer to my phone and I guess one of his buddies used that to harass me.
Ooooouuuuuucccccccchhhhhh hand cramp!
3:56pm
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