12:59am
Hey Chels,
Holy crap what an unbelievably long and busy day. I had that awful dream and then woke up around 10am. I compiled a list of stuff to do and little by little, it grew bigger. I cashed my paycheck, paid the phone bill (so when my new battery gets here and it actually works I can cancel my data plan and start using my Razr! Whee!), walked Killer (Barry had to go back to work at like 2am and wasn't back yet by noon so I knew that dog had to go potty), dropped off my mom's glasses to her (a common occurrence, unfortunately), stopped to get gas and then headed over to Charisse's house. We all did yoga (her, me, and Mackenzie) and then relaxed and talked for a bit. Then I went home and decided it was time for my new play list. See, I started this tradition in the winter that I make one play list of at least 250-300 songs and make a seasonal play list. My winter one was called "winter bliss" and my springtime one is called "springtime inspiration." I am going to be going through my Itunes library and getting rid of stuff I never use and getting new stuff at the library. I always find that I often listen to the same music over and over and some things I never get to. I'm trying to curb myself of that, but I feel like I need to keep a notebook handy to jot down which songs skip and which songs I like that are new to me, which ones not so much.
Have you ever felt like you just need to unburden your soul? I have not done this for a while, but tonight I am going to bare my soul. Just not even think about what it is I'm writing. I think it's important to do this, and when you come to this part of the nb I want you to make a note of it and I want you to try and do the same. Find a nice quiet place, maybe even some meditation, and just write what comes out of your hand and onto paper.
All my life I have been treated like dirt because of who I am. I'm not even all that different from anyone else. I mean, yeah I'm different but moreso in the way that "everyone is unique" as opposed to having 6 fingers or an extra foot. But I feel like that is how people see me. I never quite understood much about why someone would want to smoke or drink, and especially have sex, in high school. But I never looked down on anyone for doing so. Even so, I still got excluded from conversations and my best friend of 4 years stopped talking to me completely for no reason whatsoever.
I feel like I have been betrayed a lot in my life and it just sort of continues to happen. I know it's my choice to open up to people but it still hurts when people snub me. I know where that sense of abandonment comes from -- my aunt. I have made my peace with this and have forgiven her, but whenever someone who was once in my life suddenly stops talking to me, I take it way more personally than I feel I have the right to. I also tend to over-worry about other people's feelings and not so much about my own. Which is sad because it took me a couple days to figure out that Korey had taken me off his friends list but I have no way to confront him besides calling his dad's house phone which I'm not gonna do or show up unannounced, which I'm also not gonna do. I stared at Matt's name for a good few minutes before taking his name off and I have not gotten one word from him. And he can still either text me or contact me through Yahoo which I'm on everyday. I know he's "in love" or whatever, but I'm extremely hurt by the fact that not only has he broken promises to me from way back to last year, he hasn't really talked to me since he got together with this chick. I don't even think he has any real idea of what he's done. I had started putting up statuses saying things were going to change soon and I hadn't heard one word from him. And still I struggled to take his name off my list.
I hope he's happy not caring that he hurt my feelings and not knowing that I don't want to be his friend anymore.
I have a sordid past with the male species and this shouldn't come as a surprise to me and yet somehow it does. I've actually come to learn that neither sex is better or worse, it's the people. Now that pretty much every guy in my life has managed to screw me over (excluding a select few), I have found that I have more girlfriends now than I ever have before. I can name at least 5 really close girlfriends -- you (Chelsea), Bev, Alex, Charisse, Emily -- that I know will always have my back. In my mind we are all friends and are cool with each other. I know Bev is being protective of me but I also think she is a bit ridiculous because she herself is with her ex, again. So, we all screw up but ultimately the decision is mine to have you in my life and hers to have Taro in hers.
That Ryan convo had me thinking all day. I know he had to feel something towards me besides getting revenge on you. I think there were a lot of variables and I think he was expecting more of a fight from me. Just like, texting and pleading and all that. But truthfully I really believe he didn't want to see who I really was. He didn't want to make the effort to meet my parents. I'm not sure which birthday present was worse: the big slap in the face I got from John's family back in 2005 or having a spa day with my mom from a guy who treated me like shit and didn't even care anymore.
I think that's why I didn't have a problem with moving on. If 2010 has taught me anything it's that God puts people in your life for a reason. Like Barry. I met him almost a year ago this month and I know that he liked me from the start. And I felt an immediate pull towards him but for other reasons. I felt like he was going to play an important role in my life but I didn't know how yet. And by the end of December we were both available again and he was my first kiss of the new year. That was also our very first kiss. There are still some things I have yet to clarify but I feel like all will be revealed when the time is right. I am more ready now than I was 3 months ago, so who knows where I'll be in another 3 months. At least ready to talk about being exclusive (but at least hoping it doesn't take that long. I really need courage to just ask). I've never been in this type of relationship before so I have no idea how long it's supposed to go on for or what the "rules" are. But I'm guessing that he would be upset if I strung him along. I don't want to do that. He's a good guy.
I just want someone who accepts me for who I am right now. Someone who I can trust who trusts me back, and someone I can share my real self with. I know where I'm at in my spirituality. I don't need some atheist who is also closed minded about anything spiritual sniffing around here. I also just want to be happy. It's my decision who I spend my time with and I want it to mean something when I do.
2:11am
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2:02pm
Hey Chels!
Today is finally how spring is supposed to feel! But I'm still exhausted from yesterday. Even after I wrote all of that, I still feel like I had so much more to say. Even though it was free writing, I still feel like I was holding back. But I guess I am my own worst critic.
So here's a rundown of my day yesterday (mostly for posterity):
Checked my email, found out that it was a battery problem so the phone company that I got the Razr phone from is going to send me a new one. If that doesn't work, then I need to send it back for a replacement phone. Which may be kinda cool but I like that one.
Before I left the house, my mom sent me an email telling me that she left her glasses somewhere in the house but she didn't even know where. So, I found them in the big bathroom.
Left the house at 2pm
Cashed my paycheck at the check cashing place.
Walked killer. He is getting pretty good with me walking him. He's a big energetic dog but sometimes, especially when there's cars around, I need him to stay close. I learned this trick from Amy that you should never let a dog walk in front of you or let the dog enter the house before you. So, if the dog tries to walk in front of you, just bump it and he will know that you're the boss. It took a few tries but Killer finally got it. It got to the point where he could tell it was coming and he expected a bump when he got out of line.
After walking Killer, I took my mom's glasses to her work. That took a while. After that I had to get some gas, before going over to Charisse's house for yoga! It was really fun and her kid joined us.
After THAT, I had to get to the library so I could drop off a whole bunch of books I never got around to reading.
Finally home! Woot woot.
2:47pm
7:14pm
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Hey Chels!
Today was so much easier than yesterday. Since yesterday I had this idea in my head to make a list of all the things I'm currently in love with. Not just love, but IN LOVE with. It's a pretty fun list and I'm going to try and make it longer. It would be awesome if I could fill up an entire page of things I'm in love with. That's a lot of things!
*sigh*... my dad is back from walking the dog so I have to go for now.
7:27pm
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