12:57am
Hey Chels,
Oh my word what a mindfuck today/tonight turned out to be. Stupid Mike. I told him to ask Lauren (the one who used to be married to Drew, surprise that marriage didn't work out ::rolls eyes:: ) to Earnest and Cuntface's wedding and he acted like that was the most disgusting idea ever. And then he asked me if I'll go and I'm like, "uhhh no." In his head he thinks it would be great if I showed up at a wedding where everyone who had negative feelings towards me was in a room together. With alcohol. Like, is this guy even from this planet? I'm sure nobody even thinks about me anymore except for what I "did to" Brian and whatever. I had to put up with everyone's shit for 3 years and you want me to go back there? Oh MY dime? In what universe did you think this was a good idea?
I don't care if he's serious or not. He had his chance to get with me and he blew it. He's not gonna convince me that being in the same room with Lauren or Brian is a good thing. I dunno why people have to bug me about this anyways. I've dealt with it, I've made my peace, and I've moved on. But I always feel like someone is trying to push us together. I guess like, the reason why it upsets me so much is because when I was with Brian I wanted to die. I was at literally the lowest of the low. Hello--I spent the night with Ryan! So like, telling Brian shit about my life is giving him stuff he can use to talk to me and I don't want that one bit. Unless the first words out of his mouth are "I'm on that step in AA where you have to make amends," I don't want anything to have to do with him. I really and truly wish it didn't have to be this way, but it's the only way I can be the person I am now.
For some reason people are fucking with me and I don't like it at all. Brian just went off the fucking deep end. The guy I fell in love with and your bff are long gone. This guy uses people and doesn't care. I think he drank his soul away when Joe died. The one positive thing that came from this night was that Barry was home. I was just so pissed I didn't even wait for him to text me back (I had asked him if I should walk Killer.) I just went over there. I wasn't really sure of what I would find but he was home so I just knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. I sat down and he asked me how I was and I said, "I'm just really upset right now." I waited for him to get off the phone and then he asked what was wrong. I didn't even realize how cold I was until I was inside (I was so mad I didn't even button up my coat or anything I just stormed out.) I started to tell him what was wrong and I started to cry a little. I didn't completely let go (mostly because those fuckheads don't deserve my tears) but I just could not stop shaking. But after a while I started to feel better. He asked why it was so bad that he {Brian} know anything about me and I said that, "he is still the way he was when I left and still hangs around his enablers, he is like a poison. I don't need that in my life."
I'm not sure if that's what I really said, I just remember him asking me. He doesn't know a lot about Brian. He knows about the end stuff but not really the whole story. And I feel like I don't want to burden him with it. It does still upset me though when I feel like he's being pushed at me. Maybe not even actively but I just feel like this is not going to go away until I address it. So maybe I do need to write to him or at least be prepared for him to try to contact me.
Ugh, I took 3 shots of alcohol and had some chamomile tea and I still feel all wound up. I definitely need to meditate. But first, a note.
Dear Brian--
I am not really sure what to say to you right now but I feel like you are being pushed onto me so I have decided to contact you, mostly for closure.
I left you for a reason. You had (and still do, apparently) a drinking problem that you refuse to address. In addition to that, you kept company with some of the shittiest people, a bunch of whom took advantage of me and verbally attacked/harassed me. And then stopped hanging out with YOU! So tell me, how good of friends are these that you were willing to throw me away for, and who abandoned you when you really needed someone? And yet you just let it all happen over and over again. I am the reason why we had a roof over our heads, running water, electricity, cable, and food (even when we had less than 0 dollars). But you didn't give a shit about any of that. You just wanted to throw parties and not let people leave till 5:30am. And guess who had to wake up at 8:00am to do clinics? Me.
That is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I can't even count how many times you and I would fight, then you would just say shit over and over till I gave in and forgave you. You really wore me down and you had me seriously thinking about killing myself. I was sick of you, sick of having no money and sick of having to keep everything together. I wanted us to be partners. You wanted me to go with whatever you wanted just because you put a ring on my finger that I didn't want. I never dreamed I'd be THIS MUCH in debt at 28.
You lived with my family for a year and a half. We took you in when you had no place else to go. You had a life with me. You saw what it could be like. And you didn't want any of it. You got shit faced and talked about my family as if we were fucking horrible. My family LOVED you. And you just basically gave everyone the finger for taking you in and treating you like family.
You want closure? FUCK OFF. How about that, asshole?
1:51am
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