9/5/11

9/5/11
Sorry, Kayla kept wanting my immediate attention.  When I'm at the computer desk, she cries to get up and then lays across the table so I can't write.  I shouldn't let her, but I enjoy spoiling her, lol.  Anyway, then I got tired to now back to my story.  As I was saying, I poked my head out and they were just talking so I went inside.  I don't know if they saw me or not though.  So then they came back in and Sara keeps trying to get me outside to talk, but I don't want to so she starts in on how Ryan said that he wanted to get to know her and that he likes HER. At this point, I'm now really upset.  I keep walking away and everywhere I go, Sara follows.  Then, Ryan comes over after a while.  (yea, when I walked away I went outside and tried to call anyone I could cry to.  No one was available.  Not you, Jess, Nicole, Rich OR Erica.  It sucked so much.  Then Sara followed me there and to the bathroom.)  Ryan was talking to me -- or trying to -- and he was asking about Kayla and then he stops and says, "wait are you mad at me or something?" and I said, "just go away, Ryan."  He says, "look!  it's not me, it's her!"  And I walked away again.  so he left me alone for a while, and then when I was singing he came up to me and put his arm on me and I pushed it off. Then he tried again and I pushed him hard in the chest.  I couldn't even sing I was so upset.  So I finished my song and followed Ryan to Sara where he started yelling at her.  I pushed him outside and we had a huge argument.  He told me that everything Sara had said to me was bullshit and all he said was he was afraid to hurt me.  He never gave a time limit, and he doesn't like her like that, that all he did was pat her on the back and say, "you're cool, I like you."  He was so upset he was yelling, I was yelling and finally I LOST it.  I was like, "You started all of this.  All I did was say hello to you and start talking to you.  YOU bought me a rose, YOU asked to kiss me, YOU called me your girlfriend Mr. 'Oh-I'm-going-to-make-you-dinner-and-make-you-fall-in-love-with-me.'  I didn't ask you for anything!"  Then he went off on this tangent about how he doesn't know who he is and how I deserve someone who will be there a way a boyfriend should and he can't do that so he doesn't think I can be okay with it, I'll get hurt and be mad etc etc.  I told him "then we won't be in a relationship" and he's all like "But I can tell it's going to happen and you're going to get hurt."  I was like, "let me lay this all out on the table.  You can't do a relationship because you "know" you're going to hurt me.  Well then, we won't be in one."  And he says "see everything is all black and white with you."  Then I forget what exactly was said but I got mad and said I had to get over people before and I could do it again and then I walked inside.  I just left him out there.  Inside I immediately knew leaving things that way was a huge mistake so I grabbed my stuff and went back to him.  He was just sitting there, visibly upset.  I sat down and he said I wasn't allowed to have my beer outside anymore, but I said oh well.  So he went inside and got HIS beer.  When he came back, he had bought me a rose.  He put it in my hair and tried to start joking with me.  He's so good at making me smile.  I don't know why he got me the rose after all that. We got back into heavy though and he explained some of why he thinks he's no good.  I'm not at liberty to say why, but he's still beating himself up for something -- a huge mistake his made -- when he was 15 or 16.  *sigh* he cried and I HATE when men cry, it breaks my heart.  By the way, I asked him if he only liked me because he liked that someone liked him as much as I do.  He said no, but the reason I asked him that waas because he kept saying how I like him.  At one point he said that and out of anger I said, "yea, I DID" and he goes "you don't like me anymore?"  and you'd think I just said the most hurtful thing in the world to him by the look on his face.
Anyway, people started to interrupt us so we didn't really finish our talk.  I went inside and said goodbye to everyone and Ryan comes up to me and says, "do you understand at all?"  I said, "no, not really..." He was like, "ok, well I'm not going to ask you to come over because of everything."  I was like, "I wouldn't come over anyway."  So he followed me out and called my name.  I forget what he said, but then he told Pappy to get me home safe.  *phew deep breath*  Saturday I spent the day upset. Sunday, I cleaned all day and went to the pig roast.  Sara showed up and started on how Ryan is no good for me and that he asked for her number and was hitting on her.  I had to walk away.  Then I decided to text Ryan (earlier I asked him if he was coming to the pig roast but he didn't answer.)  again and I was like, "Unless you're not talking to me or whatever because things are weird or something.  I need to talk to you face to face when you get a chance" so he sent a message back saying he wasn't not talking to me and sorry for not answering back earlier and okay cool to the talk.  Then later I told him that Rory wants to smoke (weed) with him, did he work Monday?  He said he had yardwork to do but to call him later.  I didn't call him today or text though.  I guess I just don't know what to say.  I think I'll write a letter to him tomorrow... then put it in here!  For now it's bedtime. Love you.

Love,
Star