Mornin....
*sigh* WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SO SHITTY ALL THE DAMN TIME? I keep hoping (and trying to make and praying) every year will be different. I know I'm going to have good days and bad days but this is flat freaking ridiculous. I'm going to finish writing about the weekend but damn. Ok, so I'm still on Saturday yes? Yes, ok. So, we went outside for something -- I can't remember what -- and there Ryan was with his dad... he didn't see me at first, but when we turned around to go in, he saw me. I don't know, it's like every stinking time I see him, I get a breath of fresh air only then to become breathless... (new poem). In any case, he gets all excited and stands up and says, "Chelsea?! You look great!" I mean he grabbed my arm and everything but I pulled back and said "uh huh" and tried to go inside. But he grabbed me again and said, "wait, I just got here I haven't seen you all night so don't act all mad!" and he has that smile in his eyes and his lips were smiling -- the look (well one of many) I love. But I pulled away again and I said, "yeah, well, you haven't spoken to me in 2 weeks, Ryan, 2 weeks! so whatever." Then I went inside. Erica and Erin were "so proud" of me and high fived me but I hated it, Rita. It hurt so much to say the words. I took a minute in the bathroom then I came out and tried to be okay. Later, between all the craziness that was Lamont (er, however it's spelled), I went up to Erica to tell her I was gonna knock him out, but she didn't see me or hear me so I turned around to go back to my chair (er, table) and Ryan came at me. He looked me right in the eyes, smiled, and put his arms around me. We stood there just hugging for the longest time (probably 2 minutes max) and when we pulled away he put his hand on my face and kissed me. No, he didn't french me or anything, but it was still perfect. Then he told me he had no phone (his got shut off, no land line and why which now I forget) that he never goes on Facebook anymore, and he lost his job, and that's part of why he hadn't spoken to me. The other part, I've heard so many times that it's now like nails on a chalkboard to me. I know he genuinely means it but ugh. "Chels, I stay away because I know you love me and I just don't want you to get hurt." And I always say the same thing... {damn, aren't addicts so freaking charming?? Barry knew exactly what to do and say to get me to think nothing was wrong when it so obviously was. fuckers. they just play with our hearts until we are nothing.}
"I just want you in my life that's it. You're my best friend and I DO love you." It used to be so hard to say I loved him because I didn't want to and I knew if he knew he'd push me away. Now, it's so easy for me to say the words. Like, I don't think he hears it enough or I don't know when I'll see him again so it makes me happy to say those words. Especially because he never scoffs at the words or says "no, you don't." or anything. He simply knows. Maybe inside deep down he doesn't believe it I don't know, but that night he must have seen it because he put his hands to my face again, kissed me on the lips, and said, "I really miss you, Chels." and he kissed me on the forehead.
Later, he held a rose out to me and said, "I bought this for you" with a huge smile. I said, "No, you didn't." And he was like, Yes, I did!" I was like, "you bought me a broken rose?" (the stem was short) and he said, "I only had a dollar, so I had to take what I could get." These are the moments with Ryan that make me love him despite his very bad way of living. In any case, we just kept saying how much we missed each other and going back and forth on the him hurting me issue. after midnight, it was officially the anniversary of Adam's death. Ryan had been at another table with people and I hadn't been feeling good all night (migraine, nausea, severe muscle and bone pain). I told Ryan I needed a hug from someone I loved so, he hugged me tightly and brought me over to a table where I explained Adam to him. He couldn't believe I'd never told him any of this and he made me laugh by saying, "testicular cancer... that's here right?" and pointed to his balls. It just made us both laugh, lol. I'm not sure you'd find it funny, maybe you had to be there lmao. We also talked about my health and I explained it wasn't good...
And then later yet, we were in the back talking. He gave me a rose someone had left there and we both laughed. Vicki came to the table and told Ryan she wanted to leave NOW and Jim (the designated driver for Skeeter's) was giving them a ride home. She gave me a hug and I said, "do you HAVE to go? Steve is coming he can drive you home or we can." I started to panic because I didn't know when I'd see him again. He considered it but then he said he didn't want to cause more problems at home and it was best if he went home. But then he asked if i wanted to come over and I said no -- only because Erin was with me and I wasn't leaving her alone at my house after everything. So we said goodbye... After Skeeter's, we went to Benny's. I was so sick though that I stayed in the car for about 30 minutes. I'd barely drank anything so I wasn't drunk (I don't think I drank even one beer -- just sipped off of one.) I finally went inside and got water. I just chilled with Steve and Erin until we finally went home. Devin called me around 4:30 wanting to see me and he couldn't sleep but I told him to wait for the next day and I went to sleep. He'd called again and left a message saying he was gonna walk to my house. It turns out he was out all night walking all over Boynton and Lake Worth. Later Sunday, he called me and still wanted to come see me so I told him after dinner we'd try... which I did but he was already at Josh's house (my neighbor) so I told him to come see me and then when I got home, he was like "ok, I will before I leave." Well, WTF?? You've called me umpteen times wanting to see me but now I'm around and you will "before you go"? So I asked Rory and Josh later where he was and Rory was like, "don't you worry about Devin." But Josh was like, "well, you know, he's just not feeling to well and uh, kinda sick so..." And it seemed fishy to me so forget Devin. I'm on a roll now, and I'm just cutting people out of my life. So there. Now, back to Sunday as a whole. Lol... we went to dinner at Duffy's because Adam loved eating there (according to Erin, I don't know). Erin was nice enough to share an appetizer and dessert with Erica and myself. The only other person there was Adam's friend Mike. Erica asked us all about memories with Adam and things he liked and it was so nice to remember the things I don't always think about like how he knew every actor, the movies they did and when, who produced it, who did this and that, etc etc (he was a film student in California and knew many celebrities). Also, his dad -- Edgar Mitchell -- was the 6th man to walk on the moon... After dinner, we went back to my house and a few other people came over... Again we talked about how special Adam was. There was laughter, tears, wine, moments of silence, and joy. It was a beautiful night. We all stood in a circle holding hands and at that moment the wind blew heavily and it's like I felt his spirit run right through me, Rita. I miss him so much everyday. With everything going on right now, he'd come get me and just listen. He'd give me non-critical advice, things to look at that I might now see. He'd never choose sides, he would just be, you know? It's amazing how one person could be so effective by just BEING. No one ever even thought for a second that he'd die, we just took for granted that he was fighting the cancer tooth and nail. Sometimes I can't believe he's really gone I mean, I know he's surrounding us all but phsyically he's gone and it's just so heartbreaking. I found out it started as testicular cancer but what he died from was intestinal cancer. What really killed him though was the morphine. It just shut his kidneys down. I'll never forget the last actual time we hung out. We went to Quarter Deck for a drink, but he wasn't feeling well, so he didn't drink. He told me chemo was no longer effective so the doctors wanted to do surgery. He was afraid, and I told him he had nothing to lose. Then, he was in the hospital at JFK, then he was in (I think) Tampa for surgery, then he was home. He said we'd plan a big welcome home party once he wasn't feeling so loopy... and then suddenly he was back at JFK in hospice... and gone days later. There was so much drama going on, but we tried to come together for him and we all did well for a while. Now... there's no group, no love, so much division. It doesn't even matter anymore who's at fault. Not anymore. It's just sad... In any case, Sunday was a very good, bittersweet night... Which brings me to Monday. I went with Jess to the Wellington Mall where, at Dillard's at Estee Lauder she had me sing. Yea. Then the beauty advisor there made me sing more for the beauty advisors at other counters. LMAO. Interesting, yea? Then we met Erica and Rich at Bru's Room... *sigh* it was all ok until Nicole and Justin showed up. Then Erica flipped her shit! She got mad at Rich cause Nicole hugged him. She made out with this guy she met at Bru's weeks ago, tried to deny it, got mad when Rich made jokes about it, and then lied saying she hurt him when in truth she was trying to hurt him, when in truth she didn't even know we knew she snuck off with this guy to begin with. She's playing childish games! THEN, Nicole came in and sat right next to Rich so, Erica gets pissed IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SONG, and starts giving Nicole and Rich the middle finger in front of everyone, then throws the microphone at Steve and says "I'm done!" and storms off. Rich wasn't even TALKING to Nicole and all she did was hug him goodbye. You know, she was actually very civil that night and not that I really want her in my life or love her to death or anything but she was civil, we both laughed when she fell, she complimented me on my song, and she hugged me goodbye. I'm not going to be a bitch--she did nothing to warrant that. Erica totally sank to her level. Then we left and she was actually going to walk home but I said, "you won't let me walk home when I'm pissed so get your mother fucking ass in the car." So, she did and we went home and talked everything out. I THOUGHT we were cool but then Tuesday rolled around and you know the rest cause I called you. Pft.
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I'm okay. Erica's back, we talked it all out. I just realized I'm not ready to stop being friends with her I just want the drama to stop. When it's just her & I, there's no drama, but add others in--ugh. Being angry is so exhausting. I'm still pissed at my "family" though. My dad told Erica he doesn't understand me. Well of course you don't! You don't try to! Especially when you sit there and tell me I'm mean but won't talk to me. Why am I always the bad guy, Rita? It just grinds my gears. He DID also say I was his daughter and he loves me -- but no one tries to understand me and that's why I left the way I did last night. *sigh* Anyway, moving on. I hung out with Austin tonight. We had sex and YES we used a condom. LOL. I know you've got to be happy to hear that. Right? TMI time: I do not remember his dick being THAT big but wow. I don't think I've slept with anyone who had a dick THAT big. Wowza. I'm just glad he gets that we're only having fun and there's no relationship going on. You know? I think I made sure he understood that. I feel bad for sleeping with someone when my heart beats "Ryan Mcnamara" but I'm not with Ryan and probably never will be so... :( anyway... sorry, I had some catching up to do there. I love this devotional book. It's Max Lucado GRACE FOR THE MOMENT inspirational thoughts for each day of the year. Man alive I'm tired. I think I'm going to go ahead and call it a night. I should be done with this by Friday if NOT Thursday night. Which means all my new stuff goes in the new nb lmao. woot woot. I can't wait to get this thing FINISHED! Hope you're ok. Love you.
Love,
star
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