*sigh* I have so much work to do on myself. I need a job and a DL, and a car for starters. I'm so frustrated about the job thing too. I've been looking for nearly a year (Dec 23rd) and Erica only looked for 2 weeks! She got one yesterday and even though I'm very happy for her but at the same time... I can't help but feel like... WTF. You know? I wish it had been that easy for me. I *know* I fucked up at Sears, but how long do I have to pay for it? I just continuously feel like this monumental failure or something. With people, work, everything. :(
So, ugh this guy Roland! I met him last Friday at Skeeter's. He was cute, nice, and had no creep factor. However, he was 39 and had two daughters, 18 and 19. First, I didn't wanna get involved because of how I feel for Ryan, and then it was that plus his having daughters less than half my age! Erica told me just to hang out with him as a friend and that's all it had to be. I never lied to him either, Rita. I told him from the get go I was single but in a complicated situation. So Tuesday, he met us at Majors. It was fun, but near the end he tried to kiss me. Luckily, my hair got in the way. Then, when he left, I sent him a text saying:
me: Sorry I didn't really kiss you back, my hair was in the way and I'm still in a complicated situation with someone I fell hard for. I just don't know what I want right now. I like hanging out with you though. You are tons of fun and a great guy. It doesn't mean something won't ever happen, I'm just in a bad place at the moment.
him: Ok. I'm backing off. Hope you have a good life. I don't need that. That's ok it didn't work out. bye.
me: wow :(
him: I know I'll find someone else I have lots of them after me and I'm not ready to settle down anyway. I don't want to get inbetween something. I have too much to lose. Thanks for a good night but I wouldn't do it again sorry lots of luck to you.
me: sooo you won't even be my friend? okie dokes then. ouch. good luck.
him: no, I have lots of friends now don't need any more. I don't need luck. I have everything I need. I can do anything I want. This is goodbye. I'm deleting your number cause I don't need it.
me: wow.
~~~~~~~~~~~
On the one hand, I understand his feelings and not wanting to get involved and wait for me to maybe like him back, making him my back up plan. I totally get that. But I wasn't trying to do that! But I also don't want to be in love with one person while dating another. Been there, done that. I guess it just irks me that he is throwing away a potential friendship. And when I put it on fb everyone assumed I was upset because I felt rejected romantically. But that's not it at all. I have been single for a long time now, and while I talk to guys and flirt and get my groove on, I haven't necessarily been looking for a boyfriend. I'm not desperate for one. Yes I met a couple guys I liked enough to try, and one of them I fell for, but that's just what I think is supposed to happen... don't go looking for it but when it's there--it's there. So, I don't feel rejected romantically by Roland at all. He feels that way (maybe). I do feel rejected by Ryan... both romantically and as my best friend. I've accepted we won't be more than friends and I know that's a good thing because of all the bad shit in his life that he wants (well, needs) to work out. But where did my friend go? The friend who makes me laugh and smile and empathize with? I miss him more than anything. That is what is breaking my heart. I sent him a text yesterday saying I hope he's having a good weekend and not to be such a stranger. He said, "K, I am. Thanks for asking" so I just said "yep". I don't know why that hurt. It wasn't mean and I'm sure he was at work. It just felt different and it hurt a lot. So, I'm just leaving him alone now. :( It is what it is, I guess.
So, yesterday I went to this group meeting to see about maybe working for Bankers Life and Casualty which is just selling insurance policies to people. I was scared to try because I know nothing about it but I figured why not? So I filled out paperwork and they said to be expecting a call by the end of the day if they were interested. Turns out, I had no reason to be scared at all because I never got a call. so once again--a dead end. There's gotta be something out there though, you know? I'm just frustrated. In good news though, I should be making a little money this weekend. Tonight Billy is teaching me to bartend at Shea's. Haha. So tips! Plus I'm pet sitting this weekend, so that's cool. Oh, and next week, I'm going to South University to talk about enrolling for online courses, for an actual degree in Criminal Justice. I'm excited because I've always been interested in that field so maybe it's just really time to bite the bullet. I guess we'll see, yea? I like South University because the advisor, Jamie, took the time to get to know me over the phone and explain things to me, and wants me to come in and talk to her and see if it's a good field for me--she's not pushing it at all and I really appreciate that in a place and a person. So here's to hoping that all falls into place. I'm going to write a list of questions for Jamie to answer. I will definitely write and let you know how everything turns out. :) OOhhh!! Also, Erica has been taking this class given by NAMI (natiaonal association of mental illness) to understand mental illness and yourself more. I went the 2nd week as a supporter and ended up enrolling as a regular class member. I mean, no I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness but if I ever was, my guess would be anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (because it truly affected my life going through the majority of what I went through. Obviously it did. I guess that's what happens in life. Duh. Everyone is affected by circumstance. I think you know what I mean, though.) So anyway, I think the class will be good for both Erica and I. There's this girl named Giselle who is very... hard to get along with. She talks a lot, and she tends to make people feel small by interrupting them and throwing her opinion out there, on anything you say. So, I don't like her but maybe when we all share our stories in the next week (not this Sunday, but the next Sunday) I will understand her more. Let's hope. I may work on writing out what I want to share and send it to you to put in this nb. Or Idk maybe I'll put it in the new one. We'll see. LOL.
Hey, what are you doing for halloween this year?
{what did I end up doing this year? Oh yeah, I went to Monique's house and had a circle. I was supposed to dress up as Veronica of JD and Veronica from Heathers with Barry but that ended up not happening because he blew me off that weekend to go do whatever the fuck he was doing. I was pissed because I blew off a couple of parties I could have gone to by myself and had a kick ass time but instead I was stuck at home doing nothing because Barry was off doing heroin. That will not be happening again, dammit!}
Erica is going to be a sexy prisoner (escapee!) and I'm the sexy cop. Hehe. Either that, or I'll be a playboy bunny again. Lol. I'm excited cause I have like 3 parties to go to. Shea's, Skeeters, and maybe Steve M. I don't know yet if I'll go to that or not. We'll see I guess. I worry so much that Nicole likes Ryan and vice versa and that I'll catch them together doing something. It's not too far-fetched because Nicole is already playing like 4 guys. *shakes head* I know if this worry about her and Ryan were the case, I'd be better off --- but I'd be devastated even if I have accepted him as just my friend. *sigh* I don't know why I'm suspicious of this Rita but I really am. I wish I could know for sure. How pathetic do I really sound anyway? Lol.
{you don't sound pathetic. I don't think it's the fact that they LIKE each other, just that they're able to get high together and I always hated the fact that you lowered yourself just to hang out with him. I'm a victim of that too and it doesn't feel very good to know that someone's doing something sketchy and you're a part of it. That's something I always wish I could take back but I guess that's just a part of growing up.}
Well maybe, I don't really have much else to write. I think it's going to be a very hectic weekend starting tonight. Our friends are bringing their dogs over for me to pet sit, I'm bartending, tomorrow I'm baby sitting then going to Skeeter's, then Majors PLUS feeding our friends' cats at her house and taking care of her dogs. Saturday we might have a house party with a keg, Sunday I gotta go to that class with Erica, plus all the animals being taken care of. So between bartending, babysitting, and petsitting... $$ yay! Brrr it is so cold in this house. I think I'm going to write your letter, get all this in the mailbox, eat, and shower. Then the rest of today is mine until the dogs get here and I go bartend. Eek, I hope I'm good at it, Rita! A lot of people are coming out just to see me. Lmao. So I think that's good because it's more business for Billy and Tom. How cool would it be if he kept me on? I guess I shouldn't think that far ahead, though. Lol.
Anyway, gonna get going! Love you!
<3,
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