5/11/11

5/11/11

Another day goes by.  Pffft.  But at least today was somewhat productive.  I put all our story into e-mail so I can finish it, chose 5 books for book club and got their questions.  I put THAT in e-mail also.  That way when I have ink, it's all accessible immediately.  Tomorrow I'm going to actually work on all of it.

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So, I wrote about Ryan sort of.  I'm not sure I really have hit anything on the head with this stuff.  It's exhausting to write about, but it hasn't really bothered me.  Not yet.  What more can I say about Ryan?  He lead me on and then made it seem like it was all in my head.  If I was going to make anything up, I think I'd have had us so in love and together. I wouldn't have made him so impossible to "get", you know?  I never had closure with him until he got with you.   I remember telling him on the phone that he was going to have to do something to make me hate him.  So I think he did.  First by blowing me off again -- which sort of helped. Then when he dated you... well it worked.  I hated him because he lead me on.  He wouldn't be with me -- and all I ever did was love him.  I couldn't understand why he'd date you and not me -- but then I wondered if that was his way of making me hate him.  I hope you aren't offended by that, it's just I was trying to make sense of it all.  Hate for Ryan eventually turned into "I no longer care" and I knew I was over him.  That doesn't change all the guys I tried dating though and couldn't because I "loved" him so much.  Now, I wonder if I just used that as an excuse though to not be "committed."  Hmmm... who knows!  In the midst of all that, Gabe Martinez happened.  That whole story still just blows my mind.  I went from liking Gabe to being unsure, to feel bad that I "hurt" him to having sex with him and being told it was rape.  I don't know, was it?  I've lived for years saying it was but questioning it inside.  I woke up from a bad dream somewhere around 3am.  The hall light was on, and Gabe was staring at me.  He kept telling me not to go back to sleep and then he'd leave and come back.  Eventually we went downstairs on my porch and made out -- which I was ok with.  But then my clothes came off and I got scared.  And he was about to put himself inside me when I asked if he had a condom.  He said no, and then I told him "then I don't want to do this."  And then, the infamous words that have haunted me all my life... "too late."  And he put himself inside me.  I was so shocked afterward that all I said was "that was cool."  Gabe laughed.  I left... I was so upset over the whole thing but I also thought Ryan would be impressed (I was a real headcase even then lmao).  But of course he was pissed.  I don't even know what was going through my head.  I went through so many guys in that year.  Nick, Sean, Tyler, Josh, Mike, Jason, Oscar, and then David....
All in the name of trying to forget Ryan.  But I still never fully got over him until the last time he blew me off and then dated you.  Which is saying a lot because when we went to meet him, I knew in my heart I didn't want to be with him I just wanted him to want me so I could be like, "no, I'm sorry."  But it backfired on me because it was pathetic.  My intentions were never to cheat on David.  Never.  I just needed to put it to rest.

Love,
Star