1:33pm
Ugh. I feel like I want to go out, but I want to stay in. I'm just exhausted. But maybe in a little while (after I'm done writing) I will go for a walk. So, yesterday was CRAPTASTICAL, for lack of a better word. It started out with my dad freaking out that he couldn't get on his Facebook. He kept trying the same thing over and over again and got locked out. All he had to do was click "forgot my password" and then check his email, but no. So, of course he jumps on my mom, wants her to fix it RIGHT NOW but neither of us can figure it out. She mentioned calling Amy, then came in my room and asked if I called her. She was just stressed out because of the situation.
So, my mom and I go to the library and then the grocery store. When we got back, Amy showed up and fixed the problem in 5 minutes. Well, Amy stayed and visited for a while and then left around 8:30pm. I was exhausted by then. Barry had asked me if I wanted to come over but I turned him down because I was just too tired. I had just sat down to relax and I heard yelling. I heard my dad say in a really snotty voice, "so, you are going to be working every weekend, then?" And my mom was just like, "what is it to you?" And they just went back and forth yelling. Then I guess he stomped off and she yelled, "fine just walk away like you always do!" I went into the kitchen to talk to her and she just blew up, saying everything that she would never say if he were in the room. Then she was like, "I have to leave, I can't be here." When she left I just started shaking and I did not want to be at home either so I texted Barry and asked if I could still come over and he said it was cool. On my way there I called my mom to tell her I was leaving and by the time I got to his house I was bawling. He just hugged me for a while and let me cry and tried to distract me and it worked. After a while we went for a walk in the park which was exactly what I needed. I thought I was going to leave afterwards but of course that didn't happen.
I ended up staying the night. Couldn't fall asleep until after 4:21am (last time I looked at the clock), but I did finally get some rest. I told him last night that it is high praise that I felt safe enough to come over there and he said he was honored. The one good thing about having someone this close by is that when I said I need someone, he is right there. And that was exactly what I felt was the right thing to do. That that's what he is there for, no matter what. When I was with Ryan and I needed a snuggle or if I was upset, I just had to deal with everything by myself.
3:22pm
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7:13pm
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Hey Chels--
So, I'm still on Brian here. After all that happened, I just went back and forth. I loved him but I didn't know if I was still IN LOVE with him. For every step forward, he took 5 steps back. I can still remember sitting on the sidewalk of the Dillard's with you, crying about not knowing what I was gonna do. It was like I had been so attached at the hip with this guy who was basically suffocating me. He kept bringing people into my life that were nothing but drama. He would get drunk and talk shit about my family. MY FAMILY! The people that took him in and treated him as if he was a part of our family. "they're not my family. They're your family. I don't have a family." I got so hurt by those words. I felt like nothing we ever did to show him we cared was good enough for him. He took care of my dad for over a year. He and I lived in the bedroom I sleep in. There are still glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling and thumbhole tacks from pictures we put up. We would curl up into each other and share our dreams and talk about everything. But he also managed to clean out my bank account -- twice -- before we left for Florida. If I had saved everything I made up till then, we would have had over $10,000 to start out with. I was getting $720/2 weeks from the state for taking care of my dad. Now that I think about it, he didn't get another job -- which would have helped a LOT -- because he didn't want to meet anyone and be friends with anyone up here. I can't go back and change what happened, but it makes so much sense.
Over the course of that last year or so with Brian, I tried to do everything in my power to make everything okay. I still feel like I failed miserably. I couldn't pay for everything myself. I couldn't go out without worrying about what I would come home to. My hours were getting cut at work, little by little. Every time I had a little $$ saved up, something would happen to take it away again. I always had to call my mom for money and I hated it. I couldn't just breathe. One day, I think it was in May '08, I actually thought about driving my car onto oncoming traffic. I honestly thought that it would just be easier if I was gone, and that's a scary thought. When I told Brian, all he said was, "I fell in love with you because I thought you were stronger than that." Like me feeling like this was MY fault. I knew at that point I was alone. Then came the single most worst night of my life. I had called my mom just the day before and she put $2,000 in my bank account for rent and utilities. I came home from work and Brian is sitting at his computer desk, 7 beet bottles surrounding him. I didn't say anything, just went in my room. I was looking at my friend Jen's Myspace pictures when he came in and sat on the edge of the bed and said he was pissed at Ryan for losing his job because it meant we had to move back to Chicago and I know he didn't want to. So then he started calling her a lesbian and I'm like, "ugh just shut up!" Eventually he got all pissy and locked the door behind him. Then he opened the door and broke the lock. He started saying stuff (don't remember what). I started taping him with my new digital camera and that seemed to piss him off even more. I just wanted to show him what he looked like when he got that way but I ended up erasing it later (just like my bruise pictures). I got up to tell him to leave my room and he just stood in front of it like he was a bouncer at a club. So I pushed and pushed and eventually I got out of the room and after that everything was such a blur. Ryan came out of his room and tried talking to Brian, who wasn't having any of it. Ryan grabbed Brian but at first he got away and that's when Brian grabbed me and pushed me into the door frame. I grabbed my keys and my camera (he had the phone) and he tried blocking me again but Ryan got ahold of him again and I ran as fast as I could into the night. I got in my car and had just put it in reverse when Brian came out. He climbed on top of the car and I flipped it in reverse and he flew backwards. I thought about going to your house but I couldn't bring myself to. I know if you saw me you wouldn't turn me away but I was too scared. I ended up going to Publix and crying for 20 minutes before going back. I saw Ryan standing outside so I picked him up and went back to the Publix where we talked and I cried a lot. His mom wanted him to call the police but I wanted to give Brian a chance to calm down. I knew it was basically over, if he went to jail that would be it for him. For domestic violence, of all things. That would have been a complete mess. Now, looking back, I wish I would have called the police on him. He physically hurt me. I had bruises in places I couldn't hide them. I figured he would scream for a while and then pass out. Well, I was wrong. For some reason, it was freezing cold in the apartment. I had a blanket wrapped around me and he kept ripping it off of me. For a while I didn't say much, I just let him scream. I thought that if I didn't say anything back, he'd get tired. But he just got even more pissed that I wasn't answering. It was a mess, just a back-and-forth scream fest that seemed to go on forever. I don't even remember how it ended, I think when I said, "I'm finished with this." Of course, by morning, he was sorry. I was still done with him, but I had 3 weeks left of school. I had to hold on at least until then. I told him the only way I would take him to Chicago with me would be if he went to AA when he got there. Like always, of course he would agree, then he'd start bargaining with me. The only reason why I said what I said was because I knew he wouldn't follow through with it. I was basically giving him an out.
Alright so-- the next chapter would be meeting Ryan, breaking up with Brian, and my seemingly perfect relationship (for only the first year). This is where I open up and spill EVERYTHING I went through with Ryan. If you ever wanted to know, it's all here. Alright--I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go relax for a bit, maybe take a bath.
<3,
Me
9:14pm
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