May the 4th be with you! Okay, so I'm not a super Star Wars fan, but oh well. Blah, I am not happy. I stayed the night at Erica's because being home was not going to happen. I hate how I feel. I just can't make the bad things about myself go away. I try and there's always something there reminding me. I take the golf cart out and get it stuck and my dad has to come to the rescue. Now the golf cart is ruined. I felt stupid, so stupid that I walked off to be by myself and cry. No job, no money, no means to do anything, fights with people, low self esteem. I can't do anything right. I can't tell you how many times suicide has seriously crossed my mind again. I know I sound self pitying and I am so sorry. I don't want to push you away again. I just can't help how I feel that's all.
Love,
Star
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So, last night with that whole golf cart fiasco, I ended up somehow losing a toenail. Weird, huh? Anyway, my plan for tomorrow is to work on other parts of the NB (Adam's section), book club, and writing my stories. I'm babysitting Daniel's son, Randy, so I'll take him for a walk and take pictures. I'll let him watch cartoons, etc etc. Daniel will get him by 3 I think. Then I'll nap cause I'll be up at 6:00AM and so I know I'll be exhausted. Then I'm getting ready for Cinco de Mayo. It's Ladies Night at Hurricane's. Then I get to see Grindstone (Aldo <3) at Bull Bar if they play. I plan on looking magnificant, lol.
So, I got to tell you about Ray. He's the guy I went on a date with last week. He's really sweet and he made me laugh. He was tall, tan, and handsome. He looked like a greek god kind of. Anyway I spent the night at his house and I couldn't sleep. We didn't kiss or anything. He ran my hand on his dick but that's all. Never heard from him again. I'm okay with that because I didn't feel a connection and then he scared me. Or, my paranoia did. I don't know, to me it just seemed like he was the type to be real sweet and then start pushing you around and being very abusive. I really hope I'm wrong. Plus, he's a doctor and lives in a super fancy house (16 bedrooms). After what Erin said, I was afraid he'd think I was a gold digger and using him for money. Obviously I wasn't but now I just wonder all the time. I hate how easily influenced I am by opinions. I really need to change it.
Um, I got Christina Aguilera's Bionic album from the library. It's... crap. I'm really disappointed in her. Anyways I'm going to sleep now. Love you.
Love,
Star
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