November 21st, 2010

November 21st, 2010
1:49am
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Hey Chels,
Ugh I feel like crying right now.  I was on Facebook and I noticed that Heather, Lisa’s oldest kid, took me off her facebook.  I requested her to be friends again and she wrote me this message that was sort of rude.  She said that she deleted me because we aren’t friends or family and she didn’t think it was okay that I could see what was going on in her life. Which I can completely understand because it’s her life and she can do what she wants.  But then she said that I may “think” I’m being nice, but I’m creepy because I added her younger sister onto my facebook.  The whole thing just hurts me.  I mean, she doesn’t even know what I went through with Mike and I don’t want her to know.  The only reason why I never told anyone that he raped me was because I didn’t want her and Jessie to know.
After I broke up with Mike the first time, I had Lisa and Joe calling me.  But after the second time, I was dead to Lisa.  She didn’t want me anywhere around her daughters because I “broke her brother’s heart.”  So, you know, what the fuck ever.  If Mike wasn’t a complete waste of sperm and egg, then we we would at least be friends.
It’s not Heather’s fault that she feels this way and she does have a point.  But I’m not trying to be creepy at all.  I was trying to reach out to the kids and tell them that I’m still here and I’m a friend to them if they need me.  I guess it’s because of what my aunt did to me when when I was little that in a way I’m overcompensating.  I didn’t want to just disappear and have that be another adult that failed them.  But man…. Mike saw me coming.  And he knew how to manipulate from the beginning.  I had to leave.  But I didn’t want to because of the kids… it killed me to leave them.  I hate to say this and it might bite me in the ass later, but I hope that one day someone does to Heather what she did to me.  I’m not taking anyone off my friends’ list, either.  If they want to take me off theirs, that’s their choice.
I have to say that you are lucky.  You’re lucky that you got through that horrible time in your life and you still get to talk to Winter.  If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t be able to see any of my “kids.”  I went through a lot and I met 8 wonderful kids (Kierstin, Kaylee, Kassie, Mikey, Sarah, Nikki, Heather, and Jessica) and I can’t talk to any of them.  The fucked up thing is that i see how these kids are growing up and it bothers the shit out of me.  All I can think about is what I witnessed all those years ago, and now I see the effects of it on both sides.  Heather and Nicole aren’t virgins (they both lost theirs long before I lost mine) and in most pictures Nikki has a drink in her hand.  Not to mention all the girls are taking pictures in sort of slutty clothing.  If not slutty than definitely provocative and Nikki, Jessica and  Sarah are apparently all bisexual, as if they even know what that means.
The Barth children are a little tamer, but not by much.  Kaylee’s profile indicates that she’s 20.  The thing that irks me the most is, why did it take Heather over a year to write me that note?  What was so different between then and now?  I’m not trying to see any of these people (besides Nichole because I wanted to share the Pretty Little Liars book series with her) and I’m not saying anything suggestive.  I’m not trying to be a pervert.  I think it would have been a lot less creepy if the adults didn’t act like everything that happened was all my fault.  Especially Kyle and Lisa.  I never did anything to Kyle’s family besides do my best to protect them.  These people are all at least 7-10 years older than me and they’re all acting like I’m a registered sex offender or something.  I don’t want anything to do with these kids besides be a good role model and be someone they can talk to.  But noooooo.
Ugh.  I am just so… this really upsets me.  And it makes me not want to do what I wanted to do.  I was gonna make a montage of the kids when they were little and now.  But now it just seems wrong, or something.
I don’t want to be creepy.  I don’t want anyone to think of me that way.  i don’t see it as having trouble letting go.  I just see it as being me and that’s really it.  It’s not even like any of these kids talk to me anyway.  I’m practically a stranger to them.  The only reason why I even talked to Nikki to begin with was because my phone number was in her cell phone and one of her friends called me thinking I was her mother (whose name is also Rita, yuck).  I have no idea how my number got in her cell phone, because she was 11 when I met her and after I broke up with Mike I had to change my phone number.  Uhh… myspace maybe?  I might have given her my number… wait… I was still in Florida!!!  I remember finding her on myspace in like 2008 (and I remember this because I was hanging out with Curtis one day).  Okay.  Back when I was in Florida (and still in school), my last class was hydrotherapy. We each had our groups that we were supposed to build a business with.  I was out of class that day (was helping you look for drugs in your apartment) so I got paired up with Curtis and Margarita.  Well, after the Chocolate Festival day (on June 6th) we decided to drive around and check out the local massage places.  We checked out a couple in the morning and then went to his house to have some lunch and that’s when I texted Nikki.  We talked for a while and I asked her if she remembered me and she said, “Of course!” Then I asked if anyone had told her the truth about why Mike and I broke up.  She said “no” (of course) so I told her that we had this huge fight and there were a lot of things wrong with the relationship and he didn’t treat me right.  But that I always missed you guys and I hated to leave at all.

Her mom already hated me because I told Sarah (her little sister) that she didn’t deserve to get hit.  I realize now that that’s really too much of a thing to lay on a kid and I should have stayed out of it.  But I was always getting in trouble… especially when Mike was around.  Gah.
Anyhow… I guess Nikki kept my number and one day (I’m at home in Chicago already) I get this phone call from a 224 area code (which is a new area code around here) and it’s one of Nikki’s friends asking me if I’m Nichole’s mom.  I say, “Nope, I’m just a friend.”  and that was it.
That’s basically the only real contact I’ve had with that whole group, if you could call it that.  I’m not trying to be a stalker.  I know the difference between okay and not okay.  I didn’t think trying to be all buddy-buddy was really appropriate, but I didn’t think commenting on stuff in a blue moon was such a sin.
What if I never had that miscarriage? what if I had had to go to court for custody or had been forced to marry Mike (or at least pressured).  I could have been pregnant the entire time I lived with Kyle and Terri.  Oh God, could you imagine?  Trying to deal with alllllll that bs+school+baby?  There is no way.
I think it’s better this way.  I may not have the access I want to be in some kids’ lives, but I have my cousins.  I have Maddy.  That means more to me than the kids I would have had as family had I married their uncle.
So… I guess there is a bright side to this whole thing.

I feel a lot better now.  Even though it’s almost 4am, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, although a part of me still wants to cry.
Wow… it’s after 3:30am.  A part of me is really exhausted but another part wants to keep writing.  I think I am going to write in another section for now.

Love,
Me

3:37am