Monday, Dec 10th, 2007

Monday, Dec 10th
2007, 11:30am

Man.  Ok, so our date Saturday was fantabulous.  We ate dinner, and rented movies.  We watched Brokeback Mountain which wasn't what I thought it would be.  It was really sad though.

Sometimes I feel like the worst wife.  I mean, David was really upset because he felt like I was hiding things from him.  And I only hid things about Ryan.  I hid all that because I didn't want David thinking I wasn't happy w/him and that I would rather be w/Ryan.

What he saw was things I was writing about Ryan but he thought at first it was about him so he felt happy.  But flipped a page back and saw Ryan's name and so he got mad.  But then he calmed down because he knew he wasn't supposed to be reading it anyway, so he brought it back to me and when he saw me, he was just upset and we weren't supposed to be keeping secrets from each other so he told me after I'd already blown up on him for other things.  (i.e, his attitude which in essence was because of what he read).

We had talked it all out that night, so I thought we were okay.  Then Saturday came and we had our date, then Sunday and for some reason it was still bothering him.

Things just went from bad to worse.  He tried to do something special for me w/music and a letter and I was just so mad at him, that I was grateful but I didn't show it.  I threw my ring at him... then he lost it (no, not my ring).  He really scared me.  I thought he was going to either get arrested, hurt himself or worse, or hurt me.  I hate when we get that way.  That hasn't happened since we were in Ohio and I hate it.  Sorry, that's from my crying over it as I write.

But we're good now I hope.  I can't blame everything on him, it's both of us, you know?  I think it's time for me to say goodbye to Ryan now.  So, that's what the next few pages are for...

Goodbye, Goodbye
----------------
I just hate how I've let you
always get in the way
of everything good I could've had
even though with my soul mate

I just hate how I've let you
haunt me, for all these years
and for what?
you may be someone special
but not for me
I know that much

I just hate how I've let you
dictate my feeling for you
because between us, we have nothing
we never have, we never will
and for that, I'm thankful
whatever we were, it's through.

I don't need closure
on something that never was there.
I got it all by myself
I just was too blinded to care.

I hate how I've let myself
become vengeful, just to laugh in your face
I only want you to want me, so you'll lose
but that will never be the case

So even if I never got to rub it in,
even if I never make you cry, thanks anyway
for everything, now you know... goodbye, goodbye.