11:00am
-----------
Good morning! It is totally silent at this moment, I love it. I want to write as much as I can before Brody is awake and flapping those jaws. He slept over and today, I am putting him in my video along with Stephanie and Barb. I think I’ll put a hat on him and draw a mustache and he can be a midget or something. I like that people are excited about this, and being in my video. What an ego boost. It just makes me so happy that complete strangers around the world like my singing. I think I need to try out for a musical again. If not here, maybe in Indiana. Hmmmm! Wouldn’t that be awesome? You could come see my shows! I want to look further into this.
Alright, so my video has been delayed because Barb’s daughter (who will be 16 on Tuesday) “ran away” again. I can see where this is going. If that’s the case then that was the last chance I’m giving Barb, but we’ll see. Corey is notorious for “running away” and Barb needed her to watch Noah so we could do this, but Corey is actually most likely at home and--I don’t know. I could be wrong. I will keep you posted. At least I can write in here now for longer! I just got done reading in your NB about this part in your dream Brian is in, with bruises and his skin peeling. The first thought I had is that you are viewing him as though the roles are kind of reversed and he’s been abused. Like, you’re seeing the results on him of what he did to you…. I could be wrong but it sounds like an interesting theory. I feel so dirty--like I need a shower but I don’t really want to get all ready until I know people are on their way for this video. Anyway, so to answer your question… yes, I’ve been turned on and unable to get wet. I hate when that happens because if you have no lube, things can get downright miserable. So yea, dumb people using lube that doesn’t belong to them. I get what you’re saying though. I mean I can’t really call using someone’s house to have sex except Jimmy and Renee’s the 2nd time I was raped, but I’m sure I have. Not for a while though and I can’t recall so maybe not.
I love reading about Door County but I’m not sure I would enjoy the fish boil, only because I am not a fish fan. But I still want to go one day with you. That would be such a blast. Oh, just so you know, I was just informed that Corey is home now and the ladies will be here around 1ish. I am going to keep writing for a while before I go and get ready though.
So, I am running out of things to write about, ahhh! I’m commenting on your stuff every once in a while, but not on everything. I want to get to a certain point in here though before I stop. So I needed to step it up. Lmao. Ok, I know I did this already but I need to write a list of goals for this month:
--get $$ for eye exam
--get $$ for glasses
--decorate boxes (Rita letters, and the vol 11 box, favorite dailys)
--subtract sweets from my diet
--send your Christmas gift (I need to find/write a poem and print a photo beforehand)
--work on review videos.
I am not pushing everything because then it won’t get done so I am breaking things down. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Hot damn it’s 1pm and Brody is still asleep. I hope he’s ok. His dad is gonna have to enforce a sleeping schedule. He’s 9, and he needs a bedtime. I get that it’s hard with the living arrangement but when we move… yea. So. I have like 11 pages I need to do before I get to my stopping point for now (well for the time being when I get there. Lmao) I hope we make Universal Studios happen next month or March, and if we do it will be my last time there for a long time--if we do indeed move to Indiana. Now that Brian and I have talked out why I’m afraid and I told him my plan--I feel better about things. My plan is to try it out and stay until I feel like I am able to go on my own if need be. I am striving for independence this year, and I love Brian, but if I need to leave, I will this time. If I’m working and driving there, I should be able to go to my own place in a bigger city or go home--or hell to Chicago--if need be. I’m not sitting back on my haunches anymore and waiting. I am taking action for myself. So yay me. Lmao. I should be watching Days of our Lives but it’s recording so later! I’m trying to figure tonight out. Jess is supposed to come over, but I forgot and promised Barb I’d come over for Corey’s birthday party… ack. And Brian wants to go to Skeeters which I kind of need a break from. I am so sleepy now too. Alright I’m gonna read more in your BB to comment and then I’m gonna take a bath.
I understand why you were afraid to tell me how you feel--you don’t want to upset me. That being said, I did the whole pros and cons thing for Ryan Mac and you know me--I always root for the underdog--even when they’re toxic. So even though I knew Ryan Mac was a bad idea, I couldn’t just get over him. I mean, I wanted to but it’s not that simple. I’m glad I tell you everything that goes down so that you remember shit for me and remind me. Lmao. What I want you to remember is to never apologize for expressing how you feel. I may disagree but you’re my sister and wanting the best for me is not something you need to ever apologize for. Unless you’re just really mean to me. I’ll let you know lol. I am currently listening to:
Can’t let go by Landan Pigg. I love the lyrics but the verses don’t flow well to me? I don’t know. But it is perfect for how I felt about Ryan Mac. So thank you. Haha I’m over him so it’s kind of funny to read about it. I am so curious about why in September 2011 I was trying to stay away from my phone. Hmmm.
Ewww I just remembered the girl sending Erica an email about STD’s that Rich has. I hope to God I don’t have one. I need to go to a gyno. I fucking hate not having insurance! Ugh! My handwriting is atrocious! WTF. Lol. I am getting through part 2 relatively quick now. Only a matter of time before I am finally on Vol 12 commenting. Then I can just write while I get my other crap done. Then I can send this baby off finally. Whee!!!! I swear to God, I will be done in time for you to get this on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm Feb 14th is on a Thurs so to get this stuff there on that day, I would have to send this on Feb 11th (Mon) which gives me… 37 days to finish everything. I better really step it up a couple notches! Lol. I think I am going to have to continue my search for the perfect pen. I miss having good handwriting. It’s just not as pretty as I want it to be, By the time you read this/answer, I may have answered my own question, but what is The Help about? I also have yet to see 50/50 :(. I’m afraid I’ll cry through the whole thing though. Ugh I am about to give up on my stopping and get there after a bath. I kind of wanted to finish this part this weekend so I could just do my flyering next week and some of the review videos. Then next weekend I can take photos and the week after I want to go do my glasses with my flyer money. I’m going to stay home while Brian war cracks next week to just work on NBS in peace. *sigh* Alright, I feel yucky so bath time.
3:20pm
-----------
3:53pm
I didn’t take a long bath. Really I was just hoping to finish reading the NB but I didn’t. Anyway, my footsies feel way cleaner finally. I seriously hate when my feet feel so yucky from dirt. I need to wear shoes/socks more. Ugh, why does it have to be so disgustingly hot in this house. I’m gonna need another shower just to wash my freaking hair to look decent. Not that it matters. It’s 4pm (after actually) and no idea when anyone will be here--or if. I’m upset but trying not to stress over it. Family comes first and I guess Barb and her aunt are having some kind of intervention for Corey. I may have to do this with just Brody and Brian when he’s off. *sigh* I know if you were here, I could count on you. But I think that’s it. I can’t really count on anyone else. Fuck I hate this heat! So stupid! I turned the air on, then off to open a window but that was no good so back to AC. (Which I’ll have to turn off before he’s home… and deal). Ugh ok so Stephanie is finally on her way here so I will be back later. 4:45pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:34pm
----------
I finally got the video made. Now comes all the editing (well, not like there’s much lmao). So there was just Stephanie, Brody and myself and I think it turned out great. I mean I don’t LOVE it, but I don’t hate it. I finally got the key right in the beginning. So now I have the rest of the night to write (Well, until we go to Skeeters). Ugh, I’m kind of over Skeeters but Brian wants to go. To be honest, I’d rather go see a movie or just stay in. Actually, I may have convinced him to do this. Awesome! He’s mad at me for saying it out loud but oops. I didn’t know he didn’t want Brody to know. Well, I don’t know what the fuck his problem is but you know what? I don’t care. I’ll just stay home and do what I want to do which is to finish this and part 2 of volume 8. That way I can start Vol 12 commenting lol. Ugh my eyes actually feel like they are burning for some reason. Ack. Maybe I’m just tired. I could use a nap but I want to do this. Plus then I wasted what could be a “fun” night. Especially if cranky pants is mad at me all night. The good news is that he won’t be because he just usually just lets shit go. He only really gets pissed when I make a big deal out of things haha. Usually. I think he must be on his period lol. That or it’s time for mine and I’m the crazy one. BTW (commenting on nb) I’m really glad I met you too! I hope you still feel that way now that I have told the truth. I don’t know if I should harp on it really, so I won’t. But I am really praying I won’t lose you again.
Dear God,
You know what was in my heart when I decided to give Brian Cabezal, Ryan Brennan’s work information. You know, I know and Rita knows I should have admitted my evil-doing then. But instead, I continued to lie out of cowardice. Please be with Rita while she deals with the grief I have caused. Please help me to remember the lesson this taught me and to appreciate any forgiveness Rita bestows upon me, and to be understanding if she doesn’t.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
I obviously caused a lot of problems for you and Ryan. I wish I could go back and change that. Maybe if I hadn’t given Brian Ryan’s info it would have caused less problems between you. I don’t know. Once I was over (what I felt was) the treachery of it, I just wanted you and him to be happy and I kind of felt like maybe my purpose with him had been to bring the two of you together and then he went and fucked all that up. Well, I’m sick of wasting good space on that jerk so I am moving on.
But, what you said and about not giving up… thank you. I wish you were here to Cheers with me when we promise each other not to give up, and then hug.
Ok so I don’t know if I’ve already explained this but the reason I kept sleeping with Rich… part of it--the risk--thrilled me. Sometimes he pulled a David on me. It was awfully ridiculous and I don’t remember when we actually stopped but every time I slept with him I would say after, “I can’t do this anymore.” And then try not to hang out with him alone. Then we’d get together and sometimes he behaved. Then I wanted to even more because Erica got worse and acted bat shit crazy. It was just ridiculous. Anyway, I regret nothing and everything if that makes sense. Ok well, I guess I am going to Skeeters now. I wish people would pull themselves together and let me know what the fuck is going on and answer your damn phones! Danielle (more to write about her) said she’d come get me.
No comments:
Post a Comment