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Good morning. I woke up over an hour ago. Ugh, my arm hurting is what woke me up. Anyway, so I’m up to me leaving Ohio but you reminded me of Papoooyah. I know I don’t have to detail this asshole for you. I can’t believe I never did find out who it really was. It really could be anyone honestly. I’ve thought it was Raina, Brenda, Sara, Alex/Fredrick (this guy I was “close” to online a long time before Ohio). I even thought it was you at one time (long after Ohio and only because you pretended to be “Emily” lol). It was hard for me to talk to someone who knew every detail of my history with Ryan. This person was obviously a friend so I wanted to know who! (brb I’m leaving for library).
<3
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4:30pm
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I am back from the library and I’m kind of mad. They didn’t have any of the books on my list. Then they don’t have any first books in a series. Grrr. So here’s what I got:
1. Gathering Blue--Lois Lowry
2. To Kill a Mocking Bird--Harper Lee
3. Godmother: The Secret Cinderella Story--Carolyn Turgeon
4. Gangster Girl--Dreda Say Mitchell
5. Killing Mr Griffin--Lois Duncan
6. Ribbons of the Sun--Harriet Hamilton
7. The Dogs of Babel--Carolyn Parkhurst
8. Watch Over Me--Christa Parrish
9. Wings--April Lynne Pike
10. Pokerface--Maureen Callahan
11. Song of the Humpback Whale--Jodi Piccoult
12. Salem Falls--Jodi Piccoult
13. The Looking Glass Wars--Frank Beddor
14. Jude--Kate Morgenroth
I had a 15th book but one was screwed up somehow so I couldn’t take it. It was an Aladdin type story so :(. I got Brody two books too so hopefully he reads. He’s a slow reader but he’s only 9 lol. As long as he reads, I don’t care. Then again, I’m not the mom but I finally feel like I’m on good grounds with him. So yay! Lol. Ugh this house is so hot and that mixed with my arm in pain is making me miserable. The arm pain has extended. Now it’s my whole left arm. Not just a part of it. I wish it would just stop being so sore. Anyway, it’s been a good day today. I need to write out my favorite things about yesterday and today and choose a box already, then decorate it. I think when I decorate the volume 11 box, I’ll decorate my Rita letters and my favorite daily things box as well. So it will be one huge crafty day today. I want to buy two rolls of wrapping paper for these boxes, and figure out how I want the volume 11 box to look. Ok, back to regularly scheduled programming.
5:00pm
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5:01pm
So yea, I wanted to know to know who was stalking me so I could end the friendship. I never did find out who it was. They had started to bother me in 2005 I think and after Feb/March 2007 I never heard from them again. It never dawned on me that it could be Renee’s daughter Brittany. Hmm. Anyway, so my dad flew to Dayton, Oh in October, 2006. We drove my T-bird back to FL. I had told David to stay there and when I was more stable, I’d come back. I told him I could only deal with so much--but not everything. On Oct 27th (your birthday of all days) he told me he’d had a heart attack, now I’m pretty sure he was lying. (ugh. I need a nap. Brb). So yea, he supposedly at the early morning of Oct 27th had a heart attack. I didn’t think of this then, but why didn’t they keep him in the hospital? Hmmm. Instead of staying in Ohio for his kid like I told him--He came to Fl. He got here Nov 23rd I think. The only reason he came was because he was so sure I was cheating on him with Ryan. Nevermind that my mental health was in bad shape, nope I had to be cheating on him… because he was cheating on me.
For a year (well, almost) we lived in my parents’ house. His mom and Jack had come with him, but Lynne went somewhere to live with Mike and Jack ran back to Ohio. The summer of ‘07, Winter came to visit and I started a new job at Dillard’s as a makeup consultant for Estee Lauder. After Winter went back to Ohio, my parents kicked us out of the house. So, we moved into Sandpiper Cove. I was so pissed at first because we had just spent every dime we had getting Winter to Fl, taking care of her, taking her to do fun things, and getting her back to Ohio. Plus, my dad said we hadn’t paid any rent or done anything to help but when David came to FL it was understood that we didn’t have to pay rent and I had helped do everything. It was upsetting, but it was nice to have our own place again. Things were ok for a while but in Nov 2007, things started going downhill. David and I began really fighting a lot. Looking back, I couldn’t really tell you what we fought about but around Christmas, on Christmas day I think, it was you. He was such an asshole. In Jan 2008, I broke my foot. David’s mom came to live with us again and was very helpful while I was stuck in bed. Then, she started me on Xanax and I unfortunately got addicted. I lost my job in March 2008 and things got even worse. Lynne and Mike were supposed to be helping but her drug addictions fucked that over completely. By March/April, the fighting was out of hand. I don’t even remember what happened but our fight resulted in trashing our room completely. He threw stuff at me and I was so sure it was going to get physical. Even Lynne was trying to stop it. I called you and walked to Kohl’s and waited for a long time but I was freezing so I went home and then you showed up. I’m not sure why or how I figured that my fights with David meant I needed closure with Ryan. In a way I feel like David talked me into it but I can’t remember. But he told me to get ahold of him, so I did. The first conversation with Ryan was long and… interesting. I said all (well almost all) the things I wanted to say since the times we blew each other off. I told him to get over him, he was going to have to make me hate him, so he made up stories--knowing full well it wouldn’t work. We made plans to meet… you know all this, you were there. I’m not sure how many times he called me that night, but when I got home (after Ryan blew me off for the last and final time) David was crying. It broke my heart. The next day, I had a complete mental breakdown. Things just got strange after that. David had always guilted me into sex with him, but this time he was being a real asshole about it and when I agreed he had this idea that I could pretend he was Ryan and he could pretend I was Calista Flockhart. I agreed but I didn’t pretend I was with Ryan. I just pretended I wasn’t there anymore. He told me he wanted me off the Xanax only because I was such a bitch coming off of it. He wasn’t worried about my health, just how it affected him. Still, I stopped taking it and had another nervous breakdown on my living room floor for more than an hour. I just cried and cried and cried. At this point I cut off all contact with you and the only people I had much of anything to do with was the people I lived with, the people online, and Erin. Erin basically was my shiny new toy but she didn’t really know what I’d been through and I think that is what so appealing. I could still pretend things were great. I had finally told David that Lynne had to go. Even after you helped me look for drugs, I just couldn’t take living with her anymore. I never saw Lynne again. We were going to leave because we could no longer pay our rent and we wanted out before we got evicted. We finally agreed to move to West Palm with Erin. We almost got a place in Palo Verde where you lived. In fact we had an apartment all picked out and we were outside talking to the office people and you drove by. I wanted to stop you and talk to you but by then I had shut you out for weeks already. So I watched you drive away and that was the last chance I had… to make shit right. I felt like a huge piece of me was missing. In July we’d gotten in a car accident (actually July 4th so Palo Verde was right after that). That same night, Renee called me and started all this crap about everyone missing me. I never spoke to her, Jimmy, Geoff, or Anne ever again. They were making fun of me. Jimmy always had (Brittany told me) and they were doing it again. We didn’t move into Palo Verde because Erin’s credit was good but she didn’t make enough $$. David made good money but had bad credit, and I made nothing, plus David had fucked any credit I would have had. So we went where we could--to West Palm off Belvidere in Newton Wood. We lived next to a crazy Jamaican man. I was there a total of a month tops. Before we moved in, Traci got all bent out of shape about Tucker living in my dad’s house so my mom offered to take him. So, we moved into this place and I was there maybe two weeks when I left for Georgia. David and I got into a fight the night before I left with my dad because I wanted to come to Boynton to do laundry and use the internet and he wouldn’t go because--well TBH I don’t remember. But I left the next day and David and I had made the agreement that he would come up with with me and talk about moving there. Well, after 3 days, I asked David if it was ok if I stayed longer. So he agreed and said in a week he’d come get me…. {con’t 1/3/13 12:16pm} I was there nearly two months. He kept telling me not to come home and I didn’t understand why. One day, Erin called me and told me that she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to come home. David was telling me not to come home and telling Erin I didn’t want to come home. She told me a girl was hanging around--Tiffany…. She said she was sure he was not cheating on me and Tiffany was nice, etc. I was also told he brought some girl into our room and that the door was shut but she heard giggling and David told her it was his cousin. I confronted him on the phone and of course it turned into a fight. He denied anything about Tiffany but told me he’d ran into Stacey Parker at a party and that yea--he kind of liked her. He told me I was the problem in our marriage. He blamed me for losing Winter, for not getting a job. I’m having a hard time writing this… I couldn’t believe any of this. I’d lost my job while my foot was still messed up--I’d pursued a lawsuit over it and won. I couldn’t get a job to help him if I was stranded in GA, and he had chosen to leave Winter. Plus he’d stolen $1,800 of my settlement money. I had told him I’d come back but I couldn’t deal with his family too… HE chose to leave. Everyone asked me if he was on drugs and I said no way. But he was. (I didn’t know, and I wouldn’t know until 2009, but he was--or so he says). By then, I had no clue what was reality and what was fake. My dad finally came and got me and took me home. David didn’t know I was even coming home--I didn’t tell him. He didn’t come home until way after midnight and I turned a light on and surprised him. I found out so many things that night. For one, he got a job “spanking women.” To this day, I still don’t believe that. I also found out he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to separate. I told him I would fight for him as long as I could but that by the time he wanted me back, it would be too late. I think that’s the only prediction in my life I’ve made that was correct. We had sex that night and I wanted him to choke me. I cried through the whole thing and I didn’t want to be that vulnerable to him. So I told him to choke me. While I packed my things, Jason was helping David pack his things and he basically coerced us to have sex… in front of him and Erin. I don’t know what that was all about. Jason just loved watching us have sex. It was humiliating. David let me have my clothes and whatever papers/pens I had on my desk, and that was it. I left our wedding pictures with him, and my dad came and got me. I wasn’t at the house for very long because I was living on the couch and Rory and Traci had baby Reegan and Riley, and Rory was a real dick to me and I just didn’t need that. Erin got me one morning and that was it. I went back to the now empty apartment. I was there by myself for a week. Erin came back from Virginia and then just before my 25th birthday, I moved back into my dad’s house. David came by to have sex with me when he was horny, and then in January 2009, I met Devin. The months that followed were nuts. I slowly gave up on David and he was making shit impossible for me and Devin. He didn’t want me but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either. (much like Oscar). So Devin gave up. David finally told me he was doing cocaine because he was angry at me but he wanted us to work out… and I told him I wanted a divorce. So on June 5th, 2010, I filed for divorce and by December 2010 I was divorced. Devin was the first of many guys from 2008 to 2012 that I was involved with. Tbh I wasn’t even into anyone until 2009 (Devin). Then I went crazy. I slept with so many guys and “fell in love” like 3 times lol. I had an affair with my LP manager. I thought he was separated (by word of mouth) but no. And when I found out he wasn’t, I was already too involved to want to stop. I’m gonna take a break and hang with friends but, more later.
<3
(I’m ready to go now and just gonna write till Stephanie gets here)
So once Grant and I got caught, it was over. It was a short affair… but even now, I don’t actually regret it. I should because I was on the side that Grant’s wife was at, at one point. My affair with him started and ended before my divorce. I also dated Austin before my divorce was final. I don’t even count that as a relationship with Austin. Erin wanted him, he wanted me and I found myself in a “relationship” with someone 5 ½ years younger than me and all before I could really think about what was going on. I broke up with him because I just wasn’t into him and he was so young, and kind of a prick. There were guys I liked but the most infamous one is Ryan Mac. I have a history with him that is similar to the one with Ryan Brennan. What kept us from making it work was his drug problem, sorry… drug ADDICTION… and Brian. Now I have some letters to write…
Dear Ryan,
Thank you for:
--Being there for Rita when I abandoned her.
--Doing what I asked of you so I could get over you.
I don’t hate you anymore because I don’t care. You don’t monopolize my every thought because you aren’t worthy of my thoughts. I forgive you for leading me on… and I hope one day to forgive you for hurting Rita. Not for you--for her and myself. Good riddance!
No love,
Chelsea
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Dear David,
Every year, I vow to set myself free of you by not mentioning your name. I’ve been so hostile about you because you really destroyed the person I was trying to be--for a long time. But you aren’t the winner anymore.
It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even 10 years from now, but you have a lot to answer to as far as Winter goes. I hope all the years and money you stole from me are worth it.
I am sick of being stuck in anger and hostility for you so for myself---I forgive you.
Sincerely,
Chelsea
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Dear Brian,
Who knew I was kidding myself when I said countless times that I didn’t want to be in a relationship--with you or anyone else.
You are my best friend and my love. I don’t know if we’re meant to be together or not, but I can’t wait to find out.
I love you.
Love always,
Dollhead (his nickname for me)
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Ahh. It feels so good to be done with all that. NOW I can comment on part 2 of your Vol 8 nb. First, I want to say that I love these pictures you placed randomly in part 2! So cute! Alright so, in this one, you are still with Barry and there is no sign of what was to come.
As far as when I was upset with you for your opinion on my situation with Robert, I don’t remember that at all. I’m not sure why I was upset but I am super sorry! Lol. Oops--you didn’t want me to apologize. Oh well. My bad! I like your seasonal music thing. I think I might start something like that when I get my laptop. I could do it on my phone too I guess. We’ll see! What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend:
1) trustworthy
2) respectful
3) someone who can teach me new things!
I love the Stumbleupon.com stuff that you printed. The ones I like most:
--Today my fiance returned home from his final tour of duty in Afghanistan. Yesterday, he was just my boyfriend, or so I thought. Almost a year ago, he mailed me a package. He told me I wasn’t allowed to open it until he got home, which was only supposed to be two weeks away. But then his tour got extended for another 11 months. Today, when he got home, he told me to open the package, and just as I pulled the ring out of the box, he got down on one knee.
Oh, who am I kidding, I loved them all. Lol.
--I plan on really trying that smiling into my organs thing too as well as the yoga positions! Woo hoo! I’m definitely going to be using the food cravings chart for my next journalling nb (before I send this baby off) so you’ll see. Woohoo. {omitted}
Your idea to have sex in a building that is over 100 years old is a good story idea… Hmmmm. I think I may work on that as a spooky type of story. Anyway, I don’t really have any fantasies because I’m not a sexual person. David and I had this thing where we role played daddy-daughter while rubbing his dick on my clit. I always thought me being turned on by that meant I was mentally ill but a lot of people do that. It doesn’t mean I actually want to have sex w/ my real dad--ewwwww. Lol but sometimes I still think about the daddy/daughter stuff in my head while Brian fingers my clit.
I hope you don’t find me revolting now. I have revealed a lot of things to you in here that I don’t want anyone ever to see and I’m scared you’ll stop being friends with me now that you know the truth but I have to go through with it… Alright, so--as you know, Erin didn’t end up “taking me” to try out for The Voice and it turns out that that is good because you were right not trusting her. Erin is a selfish, toxic person. I’ll never know what really happened on that “Voice” trip but I know it wasn’t good. I for one am glad to be starting 2013 without toxic people. No Erica, no Erin. Just peace and quiet and drama freaking free! Ok, so I just read about Sarah posting bible verses to you. I’m kind of confused. She thinks people who believe shouldn’t be here on earth? Ummm what? No. We’re all here because God wanted us here--duh. And yea--I’ve sinned-- I sin every day--sometimes without knowing. But God doesn’t want us beating our heads against a brick wall over our wrongs. We learn, we move on. But dwelling keeps us from a healthy relationship with him. --Ok I’m gonna step off my soap box now. Lmao. Alright, so I’m just going to write now and comment on your part 2 as I read it I guess. I’m waiting for Stephanie to get here with Brody so my dad can give him his gift.
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11:31pm
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Well it’s been a good couple of days. Yesterday I went with Stephanie to the courthouse to inquire about her divorce. Then we went to the library for a while. Next time I’m going by myself like I usually do though. I like to spend my day there and not leave when someone else is ready. But still, it was nice to spend time with her. After the library, we went to Walmart and got picnic stuff and took it to the castle (a place in Boynton--a playground). It was nice. Then Brian got stuff to make tacos and got me and we made dinner at his parents’ house. When we were leaving, Brian had car issues and I was just in so much pain so it got crappy but I went to sleep. Today, my arm is ok finally. Now 100% but much better than it was.
Today I wrote, read, watched American horror Story, wrote some more, walked the dogs, and hung out with Stephanie and Barbara. I don’t like how some of the things went down with Barb last year either, but it’s a new year so I’ll see how it goes. They are helping me with my round 5 video so that’s nice. And it was nice to catch up with Barb. She is on suspension from Big Lots. I’m not sure what happened exactly but something about deleting items at checkout and still putting them in a bag. I don’t know, she’s as good as fired. Honestly, I think they have planned to do a clean sweep and just finding things to fire people for. The LP manager is a huge asshole. Anyway, so now I’m just writing and listening to Bette Midler sing Rosemary Clooney songs. Woo! New songs to learn. I love learning “new” stuff and Rosemary Clooney is a classic. I love her music. (Now. This is my first time hearing her music and it’s actually Bette Midler covering it. Lol.)
WHAT WAS THE MOST DEFINING MOMENT IN THE PAST YEAR?
March 16 2012.
I’m driving with Erica and all of sudden--and it was just LIKE in the movies--I realize I want to be with Brian. Craziest epiphany ever. I’d denied it all this time and then I just knew I was already in love with him. By March 17th (the very next day) while he was visiting Indiana--I had myself a boyfriend.
So I’m reading about Sarah calling Barry for her anxiety problems only when you’re around and I feel like I was writing it. I mean, for the record, Jen and Autumn don’t call. Jen talked to Brian when she got out of prison but as soon as she found out about me--she backed off. Here I am throwing a fit because it’s like ummm she’s a grown ass woman, there’s other people in her life to be there for her--not my boyfriend…. but she actually hasn’t really tried to contact him. But yea, reading all that was--no offense-- cool because it made me feel not so crazy. But I definitely don’t think you’re crazy for feeling the way you did about Sarah calling Barry. I mean, if you have anxiety, you have it EVERYDAY, not just on days your ex boyfriend is with his current girlfriend. Duh. It kind of makes me wonder if they did talk everyday so she knew when he’d be with you.
WHAT’S SOMETHING NEW YOU RECENTLY LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF?
In the past year, I learned that I can be more confrontational. I am actually voicing my opinions and feelings to people and not afraid of huge conflict. It’s freeing!
I also am learning to choose my battles. Some things aren’t worth a fight. Later, when I calm down, I can broach the subject, or I can move on.
IN ONE SENTENCE, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER?
My mother inspires me to constantly improve myself.
Haha “our boyfriend, Craig” eww. No, I didn’t sleep with him. I’m glad he moved away with his dad and stepmom to Texas. His dad used to hit on me like crazy, too. Thank God I didn’t get more involved with that. Blegh. So tomorrow is going to be my round 5 video making day. The theme is “TV theme songs from your birth decade.” I chose Cheers so I’m having Barb and Stephanie in my video. I can’t wait to edit it and all that fun stuff. Eventually I will be able to edit our videos for our channel too. The problem with Cheers is I am off key in the beginning and I try to fix it but it’s not working so I hope I can rectify this tomorrow while producing my video. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t want to be eliminated (duh) but even if I do, at least I am putting myself out there for exposure. I am literally following my dreams in a way and YTI is giving me something to look forward to. I think once I finish this baby, I’ll start making my other videos and decorating your box (and my other boxes). So I’m keeping myself busy with NB videos, channel videos, box decor, nbs, photos, reading and YTI! I am also going to be trying to find a job again and getting ready to move to Indiana hopefully. I am really excited about this year! I have a positive outlook going on. Glasses, driver’s license, south Fla fair, shopping, and everything I already mentioned.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND?
I love:
Rain falling
Waves crashing to the shore
wind blowing
child’s laugh
Music
the dryer going
birds chirping
animals greeting me
my boyfriend’s voice
{I love the
sound
of the rain
as it crashes
down
soaking the
earth
while I’m
inside
cozy and
dreaming
away!
~me
1-4-13}
WHAT’S THE #1 CHANGE YOU NEED TO MAKE IN YOUR LIFE IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS?
For 13 years I have been saying this…
Getting my driver’s license! This is my year, dangit.
I see it as freedom!
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL SECURE?
My ewok bear, and bed. I love being in my bed and shutting the world out.
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