1/1/13

1/1/13
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I was planning to make a bigger production out of that but oh well.  Sorry I didn’t end properly last night lol.  So, I had a great New Years Eve.  I went to Skeeters and kissed my boyfriend at midnight.  Ryan Mac was fighting with people over $$ and what have you but you know what?  I don’t even care.  I’m having a good year so everyone else can fuck off.  Lol.  Alright, I’ll be back soon! Going to Brian’s house for a bit.

<3!

12:33pm
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5:19pm

I’m back. It’s been hectic today, and everytime I try to write, people are talking to me. It would be nice to have time to myself.  I really can’t wait to go to the library tomorrow.  So, I’m only going to write for a little bit and then I’m taking a nap because my arm is in major pain.  Idk if it’s thyroid, carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis related but ugh.  Go away.

So, back to my personal hell.  In November 2004 I used my savings bonds to get David and myself an apartment.  He was working towards custody of Winter.  I was just happy to be away from Alan, who would stick his hands down my shirt and massage my breasts.  Life was alright for a couple months despite Sara constantly calling to start problems.  I had my first white Christmas that year.  In 2005, I got pregnant and lost the baby.  I didn’t really know I was pregnant until I was already miscarrying.  Then, it was upsetting and David wasn’t there for me emotionally. It should have been my first clue that he never would be.  It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did anyway.  I mean, he was there for me when I told him about Alan.  So anyway, later that year, Lynne and Jack came to live with us.  I don’t even really remember why but Lynne left and went back to Florida, leaving us with 15 year old Jack and we didn’t hear from her again until 2006.  She left us with Jack and only stayed long enough to enroll him in school.  I forget what month she left, but while she was gone, Jack caused all sorts of trouble.  He got arrested for stealing Advil or something from the store.  Because of that, child services got involved and gave us guardianship/custody of Jack.  Sometime that same year we were in a really bad car accident.  We were on our way to David’s last court date and we spun on ice.  We hit a tree on the side of the road that was in front of the quarry. Had the tree not been there, the car would have gone into the quarry and I probably would have died.  If the car we’d been in had been newer, I don’t know what would have happened.  As it was, we had lap belts and my whole body rolled into the dash board.  Luckily, I didn’t have any huge injuries, although I’m reasonably sure that’s what caused my inital right leg injury.
In that same year, I was accused of child abuse.  I have never been so hurt and so scared in my entire life.  Not only did I already have to deal with the cops on a daily basis, and Sara constantly calling me to fight, but now I was being accused of child abuse.  Winter was 3.  She was bound to have bruises and scrapes on her body.  I couldn’t believe this had all started with a lie Brenda had told.  Why she told everyone she saw me grab Winter by the arm and drag her is beyond me, but David lost Winter for a while.  Not legally--they just kept her from us and brainwashed her into saying yes when they asked if I hit her. I’m not sure if this is when they started taking Winter to Sarah Greenwood for counseling but once or twice a month everyone traveled to Dayton to Winter’s counselor at Children’s Hospital.  The interesting (ok, maybe not) thing is everyone but me got to talk to Sarah Greenwood.
David proposed to me on Valentine’s Day 2006.  By this point, I am pretty sure my mind was gone.  I said yes of course and then immediately started to plan.  By April/May, David and Jack’s mom was back and in June, David and I got married by Mayor Beamish of Troy.  (June 5th, 2006).  A couple of weeks after, we came to visit my family in FL.  I remember all the fighting David and I did--even in front of people.  I would get so mad at really stupid things because I didn’t know how to how to react to all the BIG things going on in my life.  Before we left, I cried to my mom and begged her not to make me go back to Ohio.  I just… didn’t want to deal with everything up there and I know she was really concerned, but I didn’t know how to tell anyone all the pain I was dealing with.  Where did I start?  Back in 04, the first time I wanted to come home, my mom and I got into a fight because she wouldn’t let me bring Tiki with me.  I didn’t talk to her for months so by the time things started going downhill, she didn’t know anything.  So I wasn’t sure where to start telling her that Ohio was hell.  I didn’t even know how to explain that Winter was being abused and so was I.  It takes a long time to talk about events like this, because again… where do you start? I cried all the way back to Ohio, even when we broke down in Raccoon Valley TN. As soon as we drove into Cincinatti, our phone rang and it was another child services caseworker calling to make an appointment with us.  I had made the grave mistake--in a fight with David--of driving to Brenda’s house and telling her about the marijuana Lynne smoked in my house.  She of course told everyone and Sara yanked Winter from us again.  So, child services got involved again.  The man basically told us we were codependent on Lynne.  She laughed and told that man it was the opposite and that she was codependent on us.  I’m not entirely sure. Either way, things were bad.  Lynne wasn’t just into pot.  I remember Jack would call her a crack whore and she would drive around and talk.  The shitty part was that towards the end I was incapable of any thought process or rational conversation at all.  I tried.  But I realize now that I was just gone.  The memories I have are so dim.  Lynne wanted me to stick up for her but when Jack called me a bitch because I disciplined him for blatantly disobeying David and I, she wouldn’t stick up for me and then yelled at David for being with a bad influence because if it weren’t for me Jack could do whatever he wanted.  David didn’t even stick up for me.  This caused a fight.  I was used to fighting with him by then because we had scary ones.  The scariest one I remember is one before we got married, before Lynne was back.  He slept through picking me up from work.  I had to walk and that was far on country roads in Ohio.  One of the bitches he cheated on me with (I was so sure when I found out that she was lying but thinking back on it now--all signs pointed to yes), Sally, drove by and gave me (and Amanda) a ride home.  This was after finding out from her that he’d supposedly cheated on me with her.  That was the last time I ever saw Sally. Anyway when I got home, I marched up to our room and started throwing things at him.  The fight got so bad that I held a knife to my throat (after he shoved me) and I threatened to kill myself.  He put his head through a wall and I swore we weren’t going to get to the altar.  So, when he didn’t stick up for me STILL to his mom… well, the still alive girl in me snapped.  Your husband should always stand by you (unless you are hurting yourself or someone else but that was not happening here) even to his mom.  All I remember is telling him I was so done dealing with all this.  The fight went on for hour and hours.  I went to Amanda’s and he threw my dog on her porch.  Then I came outside and we were just screaming at each other.  That’s when he told me that I thought the world revolved around me. I told him that for 2 years my world had not only NOT revolved around me, but revolved around him, his mom, his brother, his daughter, and that he never showed me he  appreciated me.  That’s when his mom came out and told me she’d beat the shit out of me if EVER talked about her again.  David still didn’t stick up for me.  It was so bad, I was so hurt, I called my parents and told them Lynne was doing crack (which was true) and everything that was going on.  By October 5th (I believe) I was on my way back to Florida.  Just 4 months after I had married David… but we still weren’t done.  I still had 2 years left with this guy -- full of some craziness.  I’m going to stop for the night, but more manana.
Lymtl, <3