10:21am
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Good morning! I woke up because of a bad dream. I was riding around in a car with Jess and one other person (not sure who). It was like, I was in the backseat but there was no seat between Jess and I (she was driving) and I was holding onto her really tight as if we were on a motorcycle. Well at the light, there was a voice coming from a speaker at the light. I don’t know what they were saying but Jess was paying for (whoever) it or them to watch her drive. She was like, “It’s only a few bucks.” So we turned left and she was like, “that was a horrible turn!” So she keeps driving and now it’s just her and I as if we are on a motorcycle, and she has to make a Uturn. I thought I was gonna fall off so I grabbed even tighter. Then, I was at this house and it was darkly lit. It was me and another girl, and two other guys. all the walls looked like Ohio basements (if that makes sense. Like, cement walls). First I stood by a wall looking for a light switch. Then I moved down this hall that had doors on either side. I went in one door to a small room. The small room had sheets on the floor. Well the two guys were out somewhere else in the house fighting and I started to get scared. Well it was quiet for a minute and then one guy started screaming and he screamed for Ashley. I saw a big hole in the door and I had locked it but I was afraid that a freaky looking person was gonna show their face in the rectangle hole at the bottom of the door. So I told the other girl to lock the other door and I hid my face in the sheets on the floor. The guy kept screaming like he was being tortured. Then I woke up. Scary, right? *shudders*
So I’m supposed to help Jess move into her place today but I haven’t heard from her so I’m just gonna write and if I hear from her--cool. If not--even better ‘cause I have a lot to say before I can comment on part 2 and the other nb might get here today lol. So much to do!
Alright, so now we are at Ryan Brennan and this is where my relationships start to actually matter I think--even though they mattered before. I’ve told the Ryan story so many times I can’t even count. I’m not going to bother telling every detail but I will go over some stuff. So I met him at Jimmy and Renee’s wedding. I knew I was going to meet someone… I wasn’t even interested in him at first. Renee’s mom just kept going on and on about how good we would be together. Idk wtf that was all about but he kept looking at me. I didn’t see him again for like a month but when I did, I was walking my dogs around the block and there he was--no shirt on. That’s when I started crushing on him. (I know we were never together btw. I just think he was definitely a huge part of my past). I didn’t see him again for a long time but I spent a lot of time at Geoff’s house because of the band so I was gettin’ close to everyone-- including Jimmy and Renee. Then, Jimmy started building the tiki bar. I told Renee I was interested in seeing Ryan again so one night she had me come over and there he was. He was very flirtatious. That night, they all tried to get me to sing my favorite Plastic’s song, but I was too shy. So, the next weekend (and really they were probably too drunk to care that night at at 17, I didn’t know that) so then the next weekend was Easter and of course there was a huge party at Jimmy and Renee’s house. That was the day I kissed Ryan for the first time ever. I sang for everyone finally and my mom stuck her head over the fence and listened. Then she told me I had to come home because it was getting late. So Geoff decided to walk me home. Before I left, Ryan asked if he could kiss me and then he did. It was the perfect ever kiss. The road ahead of me and him was long at that point. I was so naive to this 20 year old charmer, that I just figured he was it for me. But he made it this game. Sometimes he would be so distant and act like a real ass--especially in front of Jimmy. Sometimes--privately always--he would be so into me. I wrote him poems and kissed him a lot and got mad at him a lot. I would walk around my pool on the phone while I would sneak looks at him. The neighbors would think I was eavesdropping but I never heard a word or even tried to. I just wanted to look at Ryan. I could feel his stare burn into me at times. My favorite times with Ryan were when he no longer lived with Jimmy and Renee and we would hang out. Like, he first lived with Jen and we went to a club at Las Olas with my friend Sherry and his friend Patrick. Patrick just loved my smile. He used to tell me I had a smile brighter than the sun or something similar. By the time I was 19, I saw less and less of Ryan. We’d got to that night club when I was 18 and he walked all the way home, cause Sherry and I were late getting back to the hotel she was staying at so she couldn’t drive them home. Boy I felt bad. The last time I hung out with him was another time Sherry was visiting. The three of us hung out downtown Delray and then spent the night at his apartment. I’d lost my virginity by then (in fact, I’m pretty sure I’d slept with 4 or 5 people already) so I was thinking we were going to have sex. We almost did but he didn’t feel comfortable with Sherry being right there in his bed. (he had an apartment in Boca and there was no bedroom). I’m glad he had some decency but I was just ready to sleep with him by now. Lol. So that was the last time I hung out with him--ever.
During the course of everything with Ryan I had 3 boyfriends. No wait, 4. Sean, Josh, Jason, and Nick. I actually don’t remember the order they were in. I met Sean through Raina and I had only gotten to hang out with him a few times because he lived an hour north of me in Port St Lucie. We never had sex but we fooled around a lot. He broke up with me because I was “too negative” but Raina had already warned me that he was going to break up with me because he’d be busy with soccer and he liked her. The only reason he even dated me was because he couldn’t have her. I’m actually still “friends” with him but he’s totally not even attractive. I never really thought he was, actually. Nick and I met through Courtney “Deja” and her friend Eric. We were at City Place and he was OMG so fine. Cuban, tall, dark and handsome. He could sing too, boy woo! He lived so far though and I was so in love with Ryan (Btw, Ryan met Sean and accused me of only introducing them to make Ryan jealous. I wasn’t like that, but I guess it worked. Haha.) When I finally “chose” Nick--he was really happy. He came over and we hung out all day. He discovered he’d locked his keys in his car so his mom drove all the way from WPB with an extra key to save him. Meanwhile, in my room, we danced naked and I don’t remember what happened but he wanted me to dance naked for him while he jacked off. Now, that seems normal but then… it freaked me out. So I broke up with him a couple days later. I made the mistake of telling eric what happened in my room and by then I was trying to plan this group date thing to get Nick back and when he found out I told Eric, he was pissed. He blew the date off and I heard him on the phone with Courtney saying to tell me some lie about him not going. I was so hurt. I tried to be friends with him but he never would have anything to do with me again. Josh, I met through Shelly (his cousin). Melissa liked him but he liked me and I did her a favor by dating him. We hung out a lot, made out a lot, and he had a lot of $$. I don’t remember why. We shopped for a crotch rocket bike for him. He got me speakers for Valentine’s Day, had sex with me and left. Then broke up with me a week later. It was okay because I really wanted to be with Ryan lmao. So THEN! I met Jason. He was friends with Josh who was now all into this girl, Renee. When I came back from my TV break, I will tell you about Jason.
By now, I’m in love with Ryan but I’ve slept with:
Gabe
Tyler
Josh
Mike
Jason
and dated:
Sean
Josh
Nick
Jason.
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3:39pm
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I finally heard from Jess but it’s too late. I’m like, it’s nearly 4pm, I’m not going up north to help move you when it’s that late on NYE. I just told her I’d call later so I’m sure she got the hint. Anyway, besides, I want to just write. So, we’re up to Jason. What a damn pit. That’s an understatement. He was hitting on me the minute he found out Josh and I had ended things. I went to his place for dinner and swimming. Then, we had sex. Yea, on the first date. Oops. I should’ve been worried by him cumming on my stomach because the color was yellowy and gross. But I was kind of an idiot then. So we started dating. We never really got along. He forced me (well, guilted? me) into telling him I love him even though I was quite frank about my feelings for Ryan. One night, he came over and we started fooling around. Well, he put his finger up in me and I told him to stop because it hurt and he wouldn’t so, we got in this huge fight. We went to Bru’s room for dinner, still fighting. Another time he, myself and Brittany (who knew how I felt about Ryan because it was Renee’s daughter) were in my room chilling. Well he started fooling around with me and going down on me, and Brittany had a fascination with watching people so she watched. I decided to test Jason (which is never a good idea--and always backfires) by telling Brittany it felt oh so good and she should have Jason do it to her. Well, Brittany was concerned with my feelings but not Jason. They did it. I couldn’t believe he listened, but moreso, i couldn’t believe it didn’t break my heart. Like, I just didn’t care. Well, I did but not enough. We should have broken up then, but no. We continued for a few weeks more until we got in a fight at his place one night. We were in (my family) the middle of moving from the house on Oak Hill Rd to the one on Magnolia Cr. My mom said I had to leave because we were (at the time) staying at a friend’s house and it was rude to come in really late. I was mad and took it out on Jason so, he broke up with me. I was for some reason really devastated by it. I tried to get him back but he was really against it. Memorial Day came along and we all went to this hotel on Hypoluxo road, east of I-95. The day before, all my friends met me at the mall. Jason was with them and was all “excited” to see me. The week before or so (see like, a month or two passed between breaking up and then. I think. Maybe way less). I had been in a car accident and my head still looked bad. We were all supposed to go bowling later but Jason never showed up because he ended up in jail (something to do with his new car). So I had to wait until the hotel party for Memorial Day weekend. We got pretty trashed that night. It was Jason, Tony, Eric, Shelly, and myself. I got so drunk on rum and coke I spent the night in the bathroom being sick. Jason kept me company and I babbled on about loving him and Ryan and was he scared and upset about my car accident? He just fed me all sorts of bullshit. I took a bath with Eric to “sober up” and he and I were back to back so that we “didn’t see each other.” Later, Jason came in again and we started having sex. He wanted to “try something new” so he put me on the bathroom counter on all fours facing the mirror. I had no idea what he was doing but he finally entered me… anally. This is really hard for me to write so bear with me. I asked him to stop, but he wouldn’t. My knees hurt and I was in pain where he was pounding into me, and my head kept hitting the mirror. I was crying and begging for him to stop and trying to push away so he’d stop, but he kept scooting me back up so he could finish… I would love to say I broke up with him but I didn’t. A couple nights after all that, all of us were at Jimmy and Renee’s house and since we were pretty drunk, Jimmy and Renee let us stay there. I didn’t live in the house behind them anymore so I couldn’t just open the gate Jimmy made to go home. That same night, Jason raped me again the same way. It was so degrading. A few days after that, I heard less and less from Jason until I called him out on it. He told me he was “trying to love me again, but just couldn’t.” So I said that was okay and we could be friends. I had also found out he had slept with his cousin while we were together. The last time I ever spoke to him was when he and Josh called me so Renee (not Jimmy’s Renee, the one Josh went after) could hear me answer questions Jason asked about Josh being such a dick (or something). I wish I’d said something about Jason being a rapist asshole but I didn’t. Now, from what I last heard, they’re married and have kids so good for them.
I saw them at Walmart off Southern or Belvidere back in ‘08 but didn’t say anything. I was already broken hearted over David’s leaving (this was Novemberish). I didn’t need to deal with Jason, too. The crazy thing about Jason is me is when we first got together, it was the same night Ryan called me and said to call him back, but I chose Jason instead. I think part of why (maybe) I held onto Ryan so long is because of what Jason did to me. Maybe if i hadn’t chosen Jason and blown Ryan off, I’d have been with him and never gotten raped. Who knows. The night I blew Ryan off Jason dedicated “We are the lucky ones” by Bif Naked. I still love that song so haha asshole.
*sigh* So then came Oscar. Now, in one of your notebooks you mention how you once thought Oscar might have been the one for me. I find that an interesting theory but I think I disagree. I met him when I was 19 and he was 29. The Italian greyhound I was dogsitting, Bruno, had run away and ran to him. I had to go get him and my first thought of him was that he had beautiful striking blue eyes. Our “relationship” was just us talking, listening to music, and having sex. He never would title us because I was so much younger. I got sick of the “being with him, but not being with him” if that makes sense. I called Ryan and made plans (double date) with him, my “friend” Beth, and his friend “Iforgotwho” lol. Well, I showed up. Beth showed up. Friend showed up. But friend came with an excuse for Ryan. I don’t remember what that was, but I was pissed so I told his friend to give Ryan the finger for me and say fuck off. And that was that. But the thing is, Oscar was ok with that. But when I met David…. oh no. Not ok. But I digress. Oscar was intelligent but because of the money, the job, the car, his travels, and his intelligence, he acted like a snob. He also had a mental illness because he was crazy at times. Sometimes, he just made no damn sense. (Ack, my handwriting sucks). When I was with David, Oscar was always trying to get me to cheat on David with him. It was very disturbing. When I turned 20 and was still in school trying to graduate, he was the first person I called to tell about my straight As and he made fun of me because I left him a message about it. He said I embarrassed him. I don’t know it just really hurt me. I don’t think I was ever really in love with him, but he still made me feel so dumb. He was really good at that. I think he belongs with this girl, Aimee. Now, she’s sweet--or so I thought. She was always nice to me but I found out she hated me. I guess she always wanted to be with Oscar. The funny thing is had I known that, I would have wanted them together. Now they are and I try to be careful about talking to Oscar because he deserves to be with someone and having a family. I am not that person for him and I doubt I ever will be. So, now I need to shower and get ready so I can write before the new year. David is next and I want all of this out of the way so in 2013 it’s all out. Be back soon.
7:31pm
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8:17pm
Ahhhh David Joseph Sims. I can’t even believe how fooled by him I really was. Tony and Beth were so sure that this married, with a daughter guy and I would be soooo good together. I had them, and your ex’s ex gf Sarah telling me all about him. Tony and Beth didn’t even know Sarah so it was funny to hear two different (well 3) people wanting me to be with this guy. So, I went to this Halloween party Brian had. Now, I knew there would be a chance David would be there, but that is not why I went. And I didn’t use Oscar so I could meet David, either. As far as I knew, he was married and with a child. Still, when I saw him, I decided he was possibly the single most beautiful “man” ever created. Too bad I was oh so wrong. He must have thought I was something also, though. There was some other slutty looking girls at that party and yet, I was chosen. Thaaaaaaaanks! Lol. But in all seriousness, I remember saying to Sarah I was way out of his league. Like, I wasn’t good enough for him. She told me I was being silly. And she was right. As you know… the rest, as they say, is history. At first my mom didn’t think dating a married man was a wise choice for me, even though she was with my dad when he was still married (which could be why she didn’t want me to do the same). The first 4 months of our relationship were amazing. He had wanted to tell me he loved me but I was too scared to hear it and say it back. So I gave myself a few days and after a fun filled night at Renegades I finally told him I loved him. That asshat didn’t even say it back. Later, his excuse was he was just too excited to say anything. Ha. You know, 2 weeks into our relationship, for my birthday, he got me lingerie. Sexy lingerie. Like, really? It was embarrassing. In March, he left for Ohio and I thought that was surely the end. Young love, what can ya do? In May, I graduated high school finally at 20 years old. May 28th, 2004. Two days later I left for Ohio. I stayed at Brenda’s house only to endure the first 6 months of my life in hell. I was sick--all the time. Her house was a disgusting place. She had 13 dogs, umpteen cats, and a menagerie of other animals. No one ever cleaned and it smelled like piss and shit 24/7. She was an animal hoarder at least. She was also, along with her husband Alan, abusive to all the animals and Earl, the old man (Alan’s father) with dementia. You know, we’d leave Brandan home with Earl and he would always call to say Earl was being violent to him somehow… but if I was home alone and Earl was out of his room (he never came out with Alan or Brenda there) he was quiet. He was nice if he talked to me at all. There was no reason to even be abusive to him. She and Alan were also abusive to Brandan. If he talked back at all, there was a huge argument and usually it resulted in Alan choking Brandan until he was on the floor…
I gave all my money to Brenda for rent and gas, so I never got to eat. You know this, you could see my ribs… The sad thing is that wasn’t even the worst of my problems. Alan was molesting me and I couldn’t even say anything because 2 other girls already tried before and Brenda kicked them out. I had nowhere to go but FL and I still had a life to make with David… I had more hell to endure.
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