1:00pm
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Good afternoon… so after confessing what I did to you in here, my text messages with you make me feel even guiltier. You’re probably thinking, “so why not just tell me?” I know. This is the logical thing. Maybe I will when I muster up that kind of courage. I obviously just should have been honest when I was caught. When I found out about you and Ryan--you didn’t lie. What was the point? When I found out you were pretending to be someone else on my LJ, you didn’t lie about it. It’s like when your ex Brian found out finally about you and Ryan and asked how long you’d been cheating on him--you lied. There’s no reasonable explanation. (um yeah there is, I lied to him because I didn’t think it was any of his business to know, when he’d felt free to cheat on me with drugs for over a year and break promises and continue to drink and treat me like shit). I lied at first because it was “easier.” after that, because I didn’t want to lose you all over again. I have a feeling you and I will be ok (well a huge hope anyway.) But please take all the time you need to be angry at me. I won’t push you but I will still be there. I just want to add that I seriously figured giving Brian all that info was all talk. I didn’t believe anything would actually come from doing so. I’ve often wondered if anything did happen or if Ryan lied about it or what. All I ask of you is to please leave this between you and myself. No, you don’t owe me anything but I would just really appreciate if this could stay between us. With all that said, I love you and truly hope we’re okay, or that we’ll at least get past it. In the meantime, I’m going to go on writing what I had planned.
Since I already talked about being molested and one of my rapes, I’m going to start by talking very briefly about growing up with Rory. It’s not all bad because I remember some great times with him when we were little. We used to play ‘Nascar’ on the swings and we’d race. He always “won” of course and he was Bill Elliot and I “had” to be Dale Earnhardt. Haha. I’m not sure when he started hating me so much. My mom told me over lunch one day that he thought she paid more attention to me than him because I needed so much attention thanks to all my medical and learning issues. Good ole fashioned sibling rivalry! Maybe she didn’t love him more than me but she has a lot to answer for. Why can’t she just admit how abusive to me he was? There’s a fine line--no it’s not that fine actually, it’s big-- between “mean” and “abusive.” She just always treated me like this melodramatic exaggerator. Well excuse me for not enjoying being hit and nearly drowned and pushed down stairs. The words hurt more because I didn’t know not to let anyone tell me what I was and was not. I didn’t know not to believe words.
Apparently that switch in my brain was turned off apparently. So when he told me countless times every day how ugly, fat and stupid I was… I figured it must be true. How he had so much power over an entire TWO grades (his and mine) to have them call me Chow Chow Chelsea (make that 3 grades--the people ahead of me also got in on it) is beyond me.
Other things my mom has said made me feel very unwanted. Like telling me Rory was the first boy in a long line of girls and so everyone was so excited. Ok, soooo what about me? I was just another girl. My dad also told me that while she was pregnant with me that the pregnancy made her very ill and she accused him of not wanting me. I’m not sure what that was all about or why I was told this. It was a night my dad went with me to Outback for dinner. This was within the last two years--as is what my mom told me. Both of these things I was told seem so weird. Like, why are they telling me this? My dad and I were already discussing my mom never sticking up for me with Rory and how abusive he was, that night so I guess that’s how that came up. But yea. As far as Rory goes, I’m not sure what happened to make him so horrible. But once he got into drugs and alcohol, it was even worse. When my mom had him baker acted and he was institutionalized, he spoke to a psychic who basically told my brother about some picture of my mother’s father (I think) and that was the man watching over my nephew. I’m going to ask her again to get the story straight. But she says Rory is so much like her father, it’s spooky. It makes me wonder if my biological grandfather dislikes me--or used to. Now, as mean as Rory is to me when he’s in a mood, he’s usually very nice to me and he talks to me. It’s like… weird to me that the person who caused me so much pain growing up, now tries to be all friendly with me, but the minute he doesn’t get his way--he’s poison again. I think I told you in part one of this volume that I have this fear that when my dad dies, he and Kim and Renee will blame me. I hope that’s a very unreasonable fear. Idk, I mean, he hated me enough growing up to frame me for taking things of his and no one would believe me. The day I told him he’d have to explain to Riley that the reason Aunt Chelsea isn’t in his life is because his dad is an abusive asshole, is the day I think I woke him up at least a little. Hmm another thing I want to know is why my mom didn’t admit Rory being abusive to me but she felt sooo bad for Traci. She did apologize for that though.
Anyway sweets, it’s 3:13pm so I am going to take a break and when Brian and Brody leave, I’ll write again! :)
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5:02pm
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Ok, I am back. And, it’s quiet here for now. Brody went home, Brian went to work, Rory is at work as well, and my dad went to pick up the pig. Yea. Ya heard. For Christmas, my dad got himself and Rory a smoker grill so for NY, we’re making swine--head and all. I know “it’s just a pig.” I can’t help how I feel. Ahh, I just made a nommie glass of ice tea? Alright, so where was I? anyway, as far as my family goes, I think they set the tone for the rest of my relationships. I’m not really sure where to start with those “romantic” ones because I don’t know when it starts counting. In 8th grade, I was 15 and everyone else was 12 or 13. So I was caught in a weird place. I was old enough to date (most guys my age were sophomores in high school) but the guys in my grade were too young for me and were all nasty anyway, and the guys my age just thought I was a middle school girl--too young for them, or too dumb (if they knew I was 15 and still in middle school). And really, when would I see them anyway? I ended up dating 2 guys that year, both younger than me and in my grade, and one of them went to a different school. That was Jimmy L who I was talking about earlier. I also dated Keith Krajewski (btw, I met Jimmy through my friend--his cousin--Traci Dax. L stands for Lasecki. I’m not sure why I use everyone else’s last name and only initialed his. I’m not sure why I broke up with Jimmy cause I was kind of into him. He was cute and he played hockey and except for that whole kissing issue, he was nice to me. We didn’t have a whole lot in common though. Maybe I’ll remember later. Keith was nice to me, too. He was very quiet though, and a huge nerd and I just didn’t think we’d work. I’m beginning to think I didn’t feel good enough for these sweet guys. In 9th grade, I mainly just crushed a lot (a world full of high school boys? Yes please.) Now, Atlantic high as I mentioned before was not good to me so it’s a bit of a blur who I dated/liked in my freshman year and who I dated/liked sophomore year. I know David Lastnameless was in 9th grade so I’ll start with him. He kind of came out of the blue. In fact, he didn’t even go to my school. From what I was led to believe (much later, and it’s a small part of why I didn’t want to date him) that he was in 8th grade and it was his third year (I think he said third) in 8th grade. Now, I have no idea if this is true or not. I never did find out how old he was and now I think maybe I was a sophomore because I recall sitting in my World History class passing notes back and forth with Krystal Barren who knew David because he lived on her street. I’m not sure how she knew I was the Chelsea he was dating, but whatever. So yea, that was my sophomore year, which means it was all after Jimmy Decker and Mike Saldarini and David Rochas. I think. Ugh. I told you it was all blurry. I’ll get to them after though. Sorry for all the confusion. But yea, David Lastnameless was at the place Jem and I hung at on Friday nights (the Delray movie plaza). “The freaks” would walk from there past the train tracks, across Linton Blvd to Taco Bell and Wendy’s parking lot. That was how we hung out. So we were walking around the plaza and somehow I met David. I don’t remember how or what happened, I just remember Traci Dax and Nicole Bechar liking him and he liked me, and I thought he was very cute but so weird. Then I dated him anyway. At this point, I didn’t know anything but his name. So, he called me like everyday and when I found out he was in 8th grade I was like NO WAY. Plus he always said very alarming, creepy things. He talked about guns and trench coats and stalking me. When I broke up with him (over IM I think?) Traci and Nicole begged me not to but I did it anyway. Well, he still called me a lot and one day, he told me this “Sk8er Boi” (the song by Avril Lavigne) scenario. I don’t even think that song had come out yet. He told me he was going to be a famous rockstar. He said I’d be married to a fat alcoholic and we’d have kids and live in a trailer park. Then he said I’d see him on tv and tell my kids I used to date him and that they’d say, “mom you stupid bitch, why did you break up with him?” I hated him after that. He scared me and what right did he have to wish me that kind of failure? One time at the usual hang out, he said something totally horrible to me. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was, but I slapped him. Later, when he was dating Traci Dax, they called me and said if I ever slapped him again--he’d slap me back or worse. I just said if he touched me, he’d regret it. I ran into him at the Boynton Beach Mall once and after that he tried to set me up on a date with his friend. Traci convinced me to go and then someone (I forget who) convinced me that -- well warned is a better word choice -- it was a set up and I was going to be stood up. So I didn’t go. I never heard from him again. I wonder how his rockstar dream is working out. That Traci Dax… what a crazy friendship I had with her. We always got in fights. She was a lot like Erin. Less bossy. She, Nicole and I got into this big fight and they said a lot of really shitty things about me on some AOL webpage and so I called them cows. Traci’s older sister called me pretending to be some AOL policy person and told me what I said wasn’t nice, etc etc and I forget everything now but she wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. After we made up, they would call me and moo then laugh. I hung out with them once a couple years later and it was pretty awkward. Traci lost a lot of weight by doing drugs and I’m not sure why she and David broke up but kudos to both of them lol. I actually ran into her a few months ago at Skeeters. She is… strange. Ok, break time!
8:49pm
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9:24pm
Hi again! I just took a nice warm bath and read a tiny bit more of part 2. Don’t worry, I was very careful. I promise. I don’t make it a habit. Alright so Round 5 of youtube idol and it’s tv theme songs. First I chose Cheers but it’s too low so I said don’t approve it! I choose Charles in Charge! But Cree says once a song is picked you can’t change it, so Cheers it is. I think that rule should be amended to say you can change it ONE TIME if you haven’t been approved. Oh well. Back to what I was saying. So in my FRESHMAN year, there was Mike Saldarini who I was sooo “in love” with. He was chunkier then and had thick dark hair. He was gorgeous! Unfortunately, he was also a trouble maker. There was another girl in love with him named Jennifer Appleby. What a bitch she was. Mike got in trouble for making a school bomb or something Idk. I don’t remember why I moved on from him to be honest but he was the 4th person I had sex with (well 3rd if you don’t count Gabe) and I was 19 when it happened. Mike is now super skinny and has shaved hair. He looks and acts way different than high school (he’s an obnoxious asshole now imo but maybe he always was and I didn’t see it). He’s dating one of my really good friends, Karissa. I think you met Karissa. She was my next door neighbor at Sandpiper Cove. You know, it was real weird when I had slept with him. He wanted to fill me with water with some weird contraption he had and I was like NO WAY JOSE. Then when we had sex, there was a little blood and he told Karissa he took my virginity. I mean whatever you wanna think but that’s pretty much not how it went down. Lol. After him there was Jimmy Decker. Now, my first memory of him was in the chorus room when he brought roses to katee Seabourne (the one who left me at the movies). He liked her. I ended up meeting him in an online chatroom oddly enough for people in my local area. So we “dated” for a couple weeks but we never got to see each other and that’s why he broke up with me. I’m pretty sure it was actually because he liked my friend Sharlene. We stayed friends but there were fights because other girls (Traci and Nicole) were always starting shit. One of our fights resulted in me punching the computer desk. I broke my hand the second time. Being friends with Jimmy is how I met Brian Cabezal, as we (Jimmy and I) set him up with my then best friend, Jen. There was supposed to be a double date but Jimmy blew it off. I was upset but I finally got over him. Once Jen started dating Brian, I lost her. We didn’t talk as much--even at school. She wouldn’t even hang out with me because all her time was dedicated to Brian. Her mom hated me anyway (I never knew why but she would talk shit behind my back and be fake as hell in my face. And she was rude to my mom) so when Jen told me I had to schedule time with her a week or two ahead of time--I gave up and told her I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. I tried to be friends with her months later but she wasn’t having that. The sad thing is that Brian stayed my friend. After my friendship with her ended, I left Atlantic. Not because of her it was after that, maybe a month or two? Not sure. So when I left Atlantic, my mom enrolled me in The American School (which is set up in IL btw) and is a correspondence homeschool. I was 17 and this point in my life is when I met Ryan Brennan. I will save that story for tomorrow though.
For now, I am gonna go ahead and say….
LYMTL!!!!
Sweet dreams!
Always,
Chelsea
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