12/29/12

12-29-12
11:25am
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Good morning.  How’s my Bo Bita?  I am ok.  Still very achy, and I had a hard time sleeping last night.  I’m not sure why.  It could be because of my nap earlier in the day, but that felt like such a short nap.  I really wish I knew why my body aches so bad.  Alright, so I’m writing about relationships but first I wanted to comment on Dani and Jenne… It bugs me that they thought you were being overdramatic.  I know Geoff probably had them fooled but I feel like they were never very good friends to you.  I could be wrong, and I apologize if so, but I don’t like them very much.
I will say, it amazes me that you could even be friends with Geoff after all he did to you.  Then again, look at you and I after all we did to each other.
I trust that you knew what you were doing when you gave him that chance again.  I mean, it’s not like you’ve given all your abusers 2nd chances.  You forgave the people who deserved it.  I have trouble not giving EVERYONE numerous chances.
It’s too bad that the Myke guy you were a lifeguard with was married, although he was a flirt so who knows how he would have been in a relationship.  I must say, you have an amazing memory. You remember things from years ago that are pretty detailed.  Crazy.  I think that’s a curse and a blessing.  Anyway, I love your rules:
1) meet up in public
2) do not get into a car with a stranger
3) don’t share your first kiss in front of people
4) don’t rush into things
5) if a person says “I love you” before 3 months--run!
6) don’t get pregnant unless you’re in a long term, committed relationship
7) never go out with the same person twice.

I think number 6 sometimes can’t be helped.  I mean yea there’s birth control and condoms--but shit happens.  Sara and David used a condom and Winter will be 11 in 4 days.  Still, I def get what you’re saying.  I wonder if Mike fooled you or if he somehow just confused himself.  He’s a real asshat.  I mean, what an idiotic bastard.  I think he had a few screws loose.  When you’re young it’s easy to get swept up in craziness and think it’s still love--even if everything is wrong.
I was boy crazy my whole life, but relationships made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to be touched or have someone’s tongue in my throat.  It always terrified me--even though I explored my sexuality with other girls (see pg 25-26).  By the time I was 14 I understood that all boys were into was touching, kissing, and exploring their own sexuality.  Still, I didn’t like kissing at first because -- ewwww.  Then, because no one did it right.  I “dated” Jimmy L and told him I didn’t like kissing.  I tried to give it a chance with him on a date (we saw Jack Frost I think) and then when we broke up (not sure how much later it was) he told me I was a prude then threw in my face that I tried to kiss him and it was like, what exactly are you mad about besides me breaking up with you?  And when I was 14, my friend Sherry introduced me to Nick and Shannen Lute.  They went to her church.  I think Shannen was my age, but he was interested in Sherry (I think) but Nick was 16 and I’m pretty sure I was only interested in him because he was interested in me.  I went to this church lock-in thing and for some reason I agreed to be his girlfriend.  I don’t remember ever truly being into him, I just went along with it.  Probably because I’d been rejected and bullied for so long that it was nice to have someone like me.  We ended up making out so much that people got uncomfortable and left.  I don’t know why no adult just told us to stop--I kind of think… No, I really think I would have been happy if they had.  I mean I’m glad you like kissing me, but after a while it’s enough, and I got sick of trying to stop him and not caring.  I was happy when I left to go home, and I broke up with him later that day or the day after--don’t remember.  I just told him he was too old for me, lol.  His brother Shannen was not really nice to me.  He used to make fun of my lazy eye and yellow teeth.  I actually think Jimmy was after Nick come to think of it.  My aversion to being touched could be because of the times I was molested.  I don’t really remember the first time, but my mom does because she was there.  She was chaperoning my kindergarten class at Morikami (which I think is where Brian proposed to you?) Museum and I was laying down on the Chinese bed thing and I guess some kid got on me (another girl) and started humping me.  I guess I blocked it out.  The next time I was molested was just before my 13th birthday.  this guy that worked for my dad--his name was Greg and we called him The Loon--pulled me behind these huge shelves, and pressed his lips to mine.  Then he told me not to tell anyone.  It bothered me for a long time.  I told my family at dinner on my birthday a couple weeks later. I still to this day don’t get why he didn’t fire Greg.  I was molested again at 16 in a dance club.  My whole school was there to witness it but of course they only saw what they wanted to.  Obviously not the whole school was there but a lot of the kids in my grade were.  Here is what happened.  I went with Traci Dax, Ashley Petit, Will Petit (who was actually named Greg but both he and Ashley liked to be called other things.  I assume he liked “Will” because of the way it sounded with his last name.  Will Petit.  Yea.  And Ashley was known as Brooke.  These two were rumored to be incestuous, I guess one of our friends found her underwear in his bed,  Also, she came over once when I was 16, and she was 15 and hooked up with Rory, who was 18, and told everyone about it.  I was so mad that she was getting Rory in trouble--I mean nothing happened but I was afraid it would with her telling everyone.  I threatened to beat her ass and we never spoke again.  Actually I never even saw her again.  {I don’t even know why I cared so much.  It was Rory’s decision and he was so abusive to me.}  Now that I’ve gotten off track… so yea i was at this night club for teens in Boca and I was with Traci, Ashley, Will, and this girl Deborah.  I was wearing my Doc Marten boots, big baggy jeans, and a shiny silver tank top.  I was upset because everyone was dancing with someone but me.  I was jealous.  I learned to be careful what you wish for that night.  This Latino guy started dancing with me and wouldn’t leave me alone.  I kept trying to get away and he wouldn’t let me go.  This girl I knew from private school was there--Kelly and she made a comment about me and this guy.  He had me pressed to a wall and was touching and kissing me everywhere.  I tried to tell her I wanted help getting away but she kind of laughed at me and walked away.  I finally started to feel funny so I finally told him I needed water and escaped.  Luckily we left and all I remember is passing out in someone’s bed.  The next day, Will told me he was pretty sure I’d been drugged with liquid acid by this guy.  Apparently they had paper then with acid on it and you could rub it on you or whoever and voila.  New date rape.  I was raped at 18--actually I forgot to tell you that after that night club incident, I started having nightmares and couldn’t sleep.  So I started just staying awake all night and then at school I was skipping classes.  Then, I tried speed and I hated that because I felt so crappy on it.  I’d be all nuts at school and then by the time I was home I would just feel like crashing but I couldn’t get my body to slow down.  This lasted well into my sophomore year and when I finally told my mom what was going on, my grades were fucked up.  The final straw though was when I found out I had an incomplete the year before because the algebra teacher didn’t even record my final grade.  So my mom withdrew me and put me in home school.  I’d had nothing but bad experiences at Atlantic High school.  First there was me missing a week of school ‘cause I was being threatened.  I was so scared and upset, I punched my hand into a door and broke it.  Then the whole night club thing (when I came to school after that I was called all kinds of names.  God forbid they asked me what really happened).  Then the whole GPA thing.  So, the reason I was being threatened was because my “friend” Katee decided to leave me at the movie theater by myself to go hook up with this older guy she met off the internet.  {We were at the movie Scream 2 and it was so packed, we sat on the floor}.  She was really into that.  My dad came to get me and I had to tell him what happened because she still wasn’t back.  So she was pissed at me for telling and had this girl (who supposedly had family in the KKK) threatening to kill me.  Yea, and *I’m* the drama queen.  Pffff.
At 18, Rory’s friend Gabe raped me on the couch on my back porch.  For weeks we had this “thing.”  He showed me how to dance all sexy at Jimme and Renee’s Easter party (which pissed Ryan --your ex-- off).  Then one night, he picked me up and took me to his house where we made out for hours and he fingered me.  I remember I had a bad cold.  After that I told him I was in love with Ryan and didn’t want to hurt him so we shouldn’t see each other.  He agreed because he didn’t want to piss Rory off.  So we went our separate ways.  Well, one night, I went to a movie with Daniel and Melissa, and afterwards we went in my hot tub.  Well, Daniel and Melissa started making out, and I the third wheel decided to call up Gabe and try to get him over.  He told me again that it was best if we just stayed friends because of Rory.  So I let it go. Really, I just wanted to be with Ryan but I’m not sure where he was at that point.  So, a couple of months go by and Rory has Gabe over.  I went to bed and had a really weird dream (all I remember is being in a van on a basketball court and it tipped over).  When I woke up, Gabe was in my doorway.  So he came to tell me he liked me and I said I didn’t really want to play games and he was like, “If you think I’m playing games I should just go right now.”  Then Rory came from his room and asked what he was doing.  So Gabe told me not to go back to sleep and went with Rory back into Rory’s room.  This happened twice before I finally agreed to go downstairs for a while.  We went on my porch.  We made out and talked by the tv first.  Then Rory came down and they talked and Rory left.  I guess he was too fucked up to wonder what his best friend was doing with his little sister.  So, we moved onto the couch and made out and then he took my clothes off.   I was ok with all of this, but just before he entered me I asked for protection.  He said no, I said I didn’t want to anymore and he said too late.  Then he was inside me.  It wasn’t like this big struggle.  When I told my mom I’d lost my virginity (not sure how that went down or why) I didn’t think to say I’d been raped.  I was in denial and Daniel had to help me understand and admit I’d been raped.
By this point, I’d already accepted that normal for me was to be physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by men.  It came as no surprise when things got worse.  But, I will get to that later.  Now, we are on your relationship with Brian.  I remember somehow introducing you to him.  I don’t know why I would do that and then warn you about him.  I think what happened is I introduced you in September then saw how he was at the infamous Halloween party, and then I warned you.  I think?  I find it hilarious that the only reason he disliked me so much is that I called him out on the bullshit conversation(s) he was having with Jen.  Then you got mad at me for yelling at your boyfriend and I was mad because it was like, “She can yell at mine but not vice versa? I’m just doing the same thing she would.”  Lol. Okay, break time, but I will be back.

4:27pm.
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5:53pm

Okay, I’m back.  Back to Brian Cabezal.  Even though he hated me, I still feel like he was good with you and I trusted him to take care of you.  So after I moved back to FL and had my job at Dillards and you were crying to me that day, all my good feelings for him just completely went away.  I still to this day feel like I wasn’t there for you as much as I should’ve been that day.  I felt like I didn’t know what to say or do because it seemed so sudden, and then it reminded me of all I was dealing with between David and his mother.  I remember you talking about David and I moving in with you and in my heart I just knew it wasn’t a good idea.  Like, not because I don’t love you or anything.  If it were just you and I, I think we could have made it work.  But at that point in life, my gut just said “No way, Jose.”  Still, I wish I had lived with you because maybe then I wouldn’t have cut you off so severely and we could’ve saved each other.  Ok, you asked me to respond to you about your addict thoughts.  I think some people become addicts because of a traumatic experience like you said. Others, (like MY Brian’s ex Jen) just didn’t have a chance in life to be anything other than what circumstance provided.  But either way, I think it can emotionally destroy you.  Not only are you polluting your body, but you are allowing yourself to become vulnerable to other things to happen to you, thus causing you to shut down.  For love and sex addicts, I think that can happen for any number of reasons.  I don’t think you are, either.  I think you go for what’s familiar because you don’t know what else to go for.  I.e, Mike to Brian and Brian to Ryan.  Who knows what happened with Barry.  I think he was just a sneaky bastard.
It sounds to me like Brian was really trying to push your buttons when you caught him about to smoke weed.  Like why would he even say, “I thought for sure you’d break up with me.”  Is that what he wanted?  His comment about you feeling suicidal upsets me too.  “I fell in love with you because I thought you were stronger than that.” First of all, you fall in love with me for more than that.  Second of all, you think “being stronger” means taking your crap but what it means is getting out and sometimes getting out means leaving for good no matter what you have to do.  Alright, I gotta go make my round 4 youtube idol video!
6:39pm
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10:37pm

Ok so, I’m all uploaded, edited and finished with round 4.  Now, I am uploading videos to our channel and writing.  I can’t wait until I have my own laptop and place to do this.  I’m sick of using Brian’s (even though it’s super awesome of him to let me use it) and having to come deal with chaos at this house just to upload stuff.  I love the whole family, I just can’t stand all the crazy.  Anyway, back to Brian (your ex). I can’t believe how bad things got for you and him at the end.  I wish you hadn’t deleted your bruise pictures or the tape of him being a complete and utter dick.  You could have pressed charges and had him owe you $.  Then again, you can’t bleed a turnip.  I learned that with David.  I’m not saying this to make you feel worse though.  After reading all that… I finally deleted Brian from Facebook.  I’ve often thought about removing him and I wish I could tell you why I kept him on.  I am really sorry for hurting you in that way.  I’m also sorry that my own personal hell kept me from helping you through yours.  I wish it had been different.  I know I’ve done all this already, I just felt the need to say it again.  I love you more than life!
That brings us to Ryan Brennan.  I guess for starters I only wish you had told me you continued to talk to him and why.  I don’t remember what explanation he gave you, but I still say he had nothing to get back at me for and all I ever wanted was for him to just be honest with me.  I mean grow some balls for God sakes.  But this isn’t about me (yet).  It’s about you.  (So before I start I just want to say for the record I only got mad about Lindsey because at that time I felt like you only had negative things to say about everyone in my life and even though I know what you’re saying is true, sometimes I just wanna talk is out and not hear how shitty things are.  I feel like I’m not explaining this right.  Basically, I know how you tell it like it is, and I appreciate it. I always have--even then.  It’s just discouraging and can be questionable when your best friend has nothing good to say about anyone in your life.  I mean everything was already so negative.  I just wasn’t in a good place.  But you know this lol).
Anyway, to me from reading about you and Ryan, I feel like you were never really into him that much, like, you were just indifferent about being with him--in the beginning anyway.  I’m not questioning that you loved him.  I think you did--at some point.  I’m just saying it feels to me like you were so shut down from everything that you didn’t care one way or the other how things went down with Ryan Brennan.  I’m glad he was there for you when I abandoned you.  I feel like I’ll always be grateful to him for that--even if it wasn’t genuine on his part (although I think it was).  What bugs me the most about you and Ryan is that he did cheat on you. I mean he made out with some girl at a party and you’re so… calm about it.
The weird thing about you and Ryan was that I was with Erin clothes shopping and I text him about getting divorced and he told me he was seeing somebody.  I was ok with it and I wished him well.  I had this fleeting thought that it was you and I laughed it off because I figured there was just no way either of you --especially you-- could ever do that “to me.”  Time passed and then Emily somehow brought it up and the minute she said Rita was seeing a “mechanic” in “Florida” I just knew who it was.  I had no idea who it was.  I had no idea when I shared my side of the story that she already knew and had shit-bagged me.  God between her and Stella.  What a couple of assholes.  Anyway, you have quite a story there with Ryan.  I’m going to confess something but please hear me out before you decide to hate me.  I am the one who gave Brian Ryan’s work info.  Why did I lie?  Why does anyone lie?  Because they are scared to tell the truth.  I just got you back and I couldn’t lose you again (when I continued to lie).  When I was first accused of this, it was easy to blame David (besides my impeccable spelling) because he did have all that info and he had told me he went looking for Ryan.  I regret lying to you about it-- I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know.  I almost told you while you were visiting but I figured it would just ruin everything.  Why i did it… I was an immature baby about you and him.  Brian asked for it and I was still so angry that he got with you, my best friend that I wanted HIM to pay.  I’ve always wondered if it was a friend of Brian’s who showed up, or David, or if anyone did.  I’m sorry and I truly hope you’ll forgive me for that because I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive myself. What I want to say about Ryan is that I forgive him.  I know I didn’t have claim to him--ever.  It wasn’t really about that.  What Emily didn’t understand is that I didn’t just like Ryan. I had a sorted past, a HISTORY with him.  No, he was never my boyfriend but you spent years reading my every moment, my every kiss and touch with him, you read all my poetry about him and somehow you dated him.  I just kept wondering what you had that I didn’t.  Then I thought… she’s with yet another alcoholic and she’s going to get hurt again.  And I was so mad at you about that more than anything.  But, I forgive Ryan for leading me on and I wish him well.  He already had the best, so he managed to fuck that up.  Now I can only wish him well.  I will never forgive him for using you or treating you like garbage.  I am however eternally grateful to him for being there for you.

So if you’re still reading this, you don’t hate me too much.  I hope.  I expect anger--I lied to you for heaven’s sakes.  What kind of friend am I?  Just know this has tortured me more than sleeping with Erica’s boyfriend.  I truly have no secrets now.  I wish I hadn’t even given him (Brian C) that info.  I hope you will forgive me and in time trust me again.

So, that’s all the commentary for part 1 of volume 8 that I have for now.  Tomorrow, I’ll likely write to you my stories and then I’ll get to part 2 of volume 8 and then your next nb.  Lmao.  Tomorrow should be a good day.  Sunday is my favorite day in the world I think.  I am just going to relax with my honey and write in here when he goes to work.
I am so excited everyone on youtube idol likes my round 4 video!  I can rest easy from that tonight.  I am going to worry about this forever though.

Lymtl :(
Love,
Chelsea