5:30pm
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Hey Rita!
Every time I go to write, I think “my handwriting is gonna be pretty like Rita’s” and then it’s not. :( I intended to write some today but I didn’t get to it until now and Brian is here from work already so I probably won’t get a lot done. Ugh. I feel so yucky and I have for a few days. I just thought I was coming down with something but now I’m thinking it is my thyroid so I told my dad. I can be a bit of a hypochondriac at times and usually when I say something is wrong, everyone immediately blames my thyroid issues. Now I’m thinking it’s my thyroid and my dad says he doesn’t think so. I feel like bawling. I’m not crazy, I really don’t feel well. My whole body aches and I’m exhausted. It’s not just achy from walking yesterday, either. I mean I’m sure that’s part of it, but I was achy before that. A couple days ago, I just thought I was coming down with something, and maybe I am… but if I was, I think I’d already know. Ugh I’m so frustrated over this. Whatever….
So I love your book reviews. I am very interested in reading:
1) Poker Face: the rise and rise of Lady Gaga. Maureen Callahan
2) Little Girl Lost: Drew Barrymore
3) Life Laughs
4) Love, Lust and Faking it by Jenny McCarthy
5) Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus
I think the books about witches and vampires are out of my league for the time being. This book list puts me at my 8 next book reviews so yay! So, I think you are at your after Christmas party by now and I hope you’re having fun. I didn’t necessarily mean I thought you may meet someone, I just got good vibes about it. I can’t wait to hear if I was wrong or right. It’s possible that I’m just feeling that you get to go have fun, orrrrrr maybe I was thinking of the year I met Ryan B. I will get into that later. I’m trying to comment on everything else in nb part 1 and then the relationship stuff because between commenting on yours, and sharing mine, it will take the most time and exhaust me the most. So I read over it all once of course, now I’m going back over it. So, next thing I want to comment on is your tarot journal!
Did you write “Looking for Shane”? That is my favorite poem you ever wrote so far, if so. If not--who? I love it. Oh, you did write it. Wow, all these poems are great. I love the one you wrote about our friendship! You didn’t do much in the tarot section so there’s not much to comment on. Thank you so much for all the prayers and the reasons of why I’m not a failure. *huge tight hugs* You really are my truest friend, and my best one. It’s like, Jessica keeps saying she wants to be my maid of honor and don’t get me wrong, she does a lot for me and I love her, and she is closer. But I have been through far too much with you not to ask you to be my maid of honor if/when I ever get married again. I am much closer to you. I may just have 2 maids of honor. Oh well, it’s not like I’m getting married anytime soon. So I don’t need to really put too much thought into it. Anyway, I have gotten off track. I don’t really have much else to comment on so guess what? Yup! Relationship stuff time. I think that even though this will be exhausting, it’s kind of neat I am ending 2012 writing about it all. Next week, I can start commenting on part 2 and then your next nb will be here and I can comment on that. I’m think this journalling portion is going to turn into 3 notebooks but we will see. The first thing I want to start on is your neighbor, Jenni. She sounds like someone who has a lot to account for--like I do. I hate to confess this but I did a lot of the same things to a couple people. Other girls did it to me too but I never viewed it as molestation because they weren’t forceful about it like I was. I’m not sure I was really physically forceful about it, maybe I was but I know a couple of them--one at least--didn’t really want to do it. The girls that were ok with it were Angela (Tyron’s sister) and Nicki (Nikki) Leonardo. The one(s) not ok with it were Courtney Driver (she may have actually been ok with it but I can’t remember) and Allison Ernst. I’m not sure if my hormones were overactive or if I was just super curious but I never understood I was molesting anyone and now it haunts me. We kept our clothes on, but we would hump too. I also had a habit of being really mean to my girl friends when they would come over. I’m not sure why. I remember Jordan Swope coming over and I made her cry. I was a really mean girl sometimes. I wish I knew why I’d been like that and that I could take it all back. None of these girls deserved how I treated them. I think this is the first time I’m actually admitting it to people. Only you though. I feel like I can’t really admit it to anyone else and I can’t really look for them and say “I’m sorry I molested you” (I didn’t know that’s what I was doing) or “I’m sorry I was so mean to you.” What if they don’t remember these things even happening and they think I’m crazy or something? I think I should write them each a letter in here though.
Dear Allison,
I don’t know where you are in life right now, or how you are or anything but I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m not sure you even remember this, but I used to make you do all sorts of things you didn’t want to do. I am so sorry for that. I should have known better, and I wish that I could take it back. I hope that one day you can forgive me.
~Always,~
Chelsea
Dear Jordan,
When we were in 3rd grade at Trinity, I invited you to my house and treated you like dirt. Inside, I felt very guilty and could not make sense of why I was so mean to you. I always thought you were so pretty and so kind. I am so sorry for treating you so wrong and I hope one day, you can forgive me.
~Always,~
Chelsea
I’ve often wondered if my being so mean to Jordan is why everyone in the class was so mean to me for the 4 years after that. Like, I know she told the other girls what I did because they brought it up. So I understand being hated on for a while because of what I did, but is that why they were mean to me for all the years after? I also remember in 6th grade, Matt Fergusson fell on Jennifer Wesson’s leg in flag football. I was so unhappy with how mean to me everyone was that I thought she deserved it. Well, someone overheard me telling the only friend I had that (Ednelle) she deserved it and everyone was meaner to me. I think they just had to hate someone, why not me? But who knows. Anyway, my jaw flappers are here and I think I prefer to be alone to write all the things I have left to write. So I guess I’m going to stop here for today. I’m not sure when I’ll write again, I was hoping to write out more. Sunday Brian works all day so that might be a good day. Hopefully I will get some done tomorrow as well.
Ugh I asked Brian to do a couple things and he “forgets.” I’m so irritated.
LYMTL!
Love always,
Chelsea
9:10pm
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