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Good morning,
I feel like death. This cold doesn’t want to go away. Every day, it feels like a new one! Ugh. I have the immune system of an AIDS patient, and it scares the living shit out of me. Brian says he thinks I’d know by now. Maybe he’s right. I don’t 100% think I have it, I 50% do because I’m paranoid. Lol. Still, I go through the list of people I’ve slept with:
Gabe
Tyler--this is who I fear gave me AIDS
Josh
Mike
Jason--I fear this one
Oscar
David--I fear him too
Devin
Grant--yep
Mason
Kosta
Eddie
Austin
Damien
Dana
Jimmy--I fear this one
Robert
Rich
Brian.
That’s 19. I thought it was 20 something so I may be forgetting someone. That’s a lot of people to be scared of. I should probably just quit worrying but as soon as I have health insurance, I will go check again.
So onto Brian stuff finally. So yea, I started to get used to him bringing Jen up because it’s stories from his past that just happen to include Jen--just like stories from my past just happen to include David. Well, she’s out of prison now, still on Brian’s fb, and he read one of her posts that said “man, everything is fucked now” or something. So he decided to reach out to her and he told me. I didn’t like it but I just decided to see what would come of it. So then, last Friday we go to Skeeters and he gets good and drunk and decides--on the way home--to tell me he gave Jen his phone number because he promised he’d always be there for her and he must fulfill his promise to her. Ummm what? I mean, ok if you hadn’t told me you didn’t want her in your life at all anymore because she just treated you so bad, maybe I’d understand. But I don’t get why he just has to keep his promise to someone from his past. It’s different with Autumn because she’s Brody’s mother. So yea, I get mad. I did however, calmly try to make Brian understand why and he just got mad at me and said he just shouldn’t have told me the truth and that he thought he was doing a good thing by telling me the truth. I basically told him not to make me the bad guy and his answer was “how can I not?” So that pissed me off even more and he decided to tell me every wrong thing that I do. He says I’m “flip floppy” but won’t tell me how, and that I gave up too easily on my job search. Um first of all the ONLY thing I’m flip flopping on is my “friends” and that’s because I have felt like I have no real friends here. I still talk to Erin and Jessica because there is no one else. (Yes, there’s you obviously, but you aren’t here :( ). As for jobs--I’ve tried really hard. I don’t know why he thinks I give up. Every time I’m out with someone, I ask. I fill out applications. I don’t walk anywhere because I’ve been sick. This cold is the third time I’ve been sick in just over a month! And where do you want me to walk? Plus I’m constantly on Indeed and Craigslist via my phone. I can’t always go to the library because he has to take me and sometimes HE DOESN’T want to get out of bed in time to take me. I don’t know, every time we fight he reminds me a little bit more of David. That whole fight reminded me of David so much. Brian really hurt me that night and I still wonder if I should just set him free or something. Some of the things he said still gnaw at me. Like how when I don’t get my way, I act ridiculous. I think he has me confused with his kid, though. I know sometimes, I’m miserable but the only times I’ve ever acted out that way is when I’m in hypoglycemic meltdown. I don’t like being that way but when it gets there--it’s almost impossible for me to step away and be “nice.”
after we went to bed, ANGRY, I had to be up early and when Brian left for work he wouldn’t say he loved me--I had to say it. (Later, he told me he was scared to say it because I was mad. WTF?) I tried to talk to him Saturday night so it wouldn’t go unresolved (cause Saturday he tried texting me to apologize and explain but it just felt to me like he didn’t understand anything.) And he still wouldn’t grasp anything. It’s like talking to a wall. He doesn’t understand that just because you’re honest doesn’t mean I’m not going to be mad at you, though I do appreciate the honesty. I also admitted to him how I felt about Brody before this fight and he said he understood how I felt. But Saturday he tried to throw in my face that it made him angry after all but he didn’t show it. Listen, I expected him to be angry over that. If my significant other felt about my kid the way I do about Brody, whether they were right or not--I’d be pissed! So why lie to me about it if you’re just going to be mad about it later? I like things resolved, I hate mulling it over and over and throwing it in someone’s face later. Things got dropped after all that. He just says I’ll perceive things the way I want. He also tells me he loves how appreciative I am of him but then when we fight--everything “I do is not enough” and suddenly I don’t appreciate him. Well, which is it? I try my damnedest everyday to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him, how handsome he is, how happy I am with him. But you wanna know what? I'm not happy anymore. I love him with all my heart but I’m sick of this. He never tells me I’m beautiful, or how happy I make him (unless we are fighting or I say it first). Oh! And I forgot this: He says to me during the fight “I can’t live up to your expectations. You want a fairy tale.” Ummmm what? Does this joker know me at all? I was married before and to a real piece of shit. So not only do I think I’m not “entitled” to a fairy tale, but I’m not stupid enough to think those exist. It’s like he tells me I perceive things in a distorted manner--but it’s him who does it. The weekend before Halloween he made a comment about “washing that shit out of you” (talking to me) on a discussion of me being pregnant. I was not only horrified--I was hurt. He says it was a horrible joke and that he didn’t mean it, and he doesn’t blame me for being upset. All this just really makes me not want to marry him or have kids with him. Everything in my life is such a mess, Rita. And I try to fix it and then I turn around to find more mess. Brian was/is(?) the light in my life but lately I just feel like we’re doomed. Anyway, I need to get ready for this 2 year old's birthday at Chuckie Cheese. I’ll write more (and hopefully positive) while I’m at Brian’s house tonight. It’s his warcraft night and I usually stay home but tonight I think i’ll just hang out there. So, I’m bringing my book, this and one other NB for stories!
<3,
me
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