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Dear heavenly Father,
You know the things *I* have planned. I don’t know what you have planned for me, or for Brian and Brody, but I ask you to wrap your loving arms around us and guide us.
Lord, if it is your will, please help me to find a job soon so that I can help with bills that are otherwise dragging Brian down. Also Lord, at this time, I ask that Uptown Pizza will pick up in business so that Tony and all his employees will make significant funds.
I also pray for you to heal my sister and best friend, Rita. Lord, you know I worry about her health so much. I just ask that you lay a healing hand on her and help her body build a better immune system to fight away all ailments such as cysts and bladder issues and overall viruses.
Your will be done,
Amen
~~~~~
Hey gorgeous!
TGIF! Not that I really did anything all week except read and work on NBS/YouTube Idol song. Tonight I make my video *I hope* Lol. I just prayed, and if God answers my prayer, Brian will have to work late or go back I bet. Oops… not “if”.... God always answers prayer! We shall see, and I will keep you posted. I’m really sorry if I haven’t written lately. I’ve just been working on getting other stuff done too. I’m actually only going to write until page 50 in here for now, then go upstairs and work on my song until it’s time to get ready. I may take the dogs for their walk first so that by the time I am ready, I can just sing. I am going to be doing all the “beauty” (Belle) parts first and then I have to go make myself look like a beast and do all the beats parts (male vocals). I am both nervous and excited about doing this video. Brian is very excited about getting to do something “difficult” lol. If I get eliminated, then so be it. I’ve come to understand that this contest mainly only prepares you for the other contests like American Idol, The Voice, and X-factor. It does give you “exposure” but I’m not sure I will ever audition for any of those shows. Maybe The Voice and/or X Factor, but definitely not American Idol. First of all, I’m too old for AI. There’s an age cut off, for one thing. Also, I just never liked the show. To me, it’s all based off looks! I talked to you about this in text last night, but I’m going to write about it again… knowing that a big majority of the people in YouTube Idol all have bands/recording opportunities/auditions for AI, makes me feel like I’m not doing anything to follow my dreams like I should. I am almost 30, I need to do something. So who knows what’s in store for me. I’m kind of nervous about being disqualified for my video. I mean there won’t be cuts but I’m still scared that the judges will think that there is and disqualify me. Lol. I need to stop worrying though. Man, it is almost 3pm. I hope Rory works tonight so he’s not in my way for this video. My dad will behave, but I am worried about Rory and the dogs. You know, it’s not just me getting the words, timing, notes, keys, and pitch right--its the outside interference too. I just hope it goes smoothly. I am resting my voice for now but when I am finished writing, I will have to practice. Ok, before I comment on some Vol 10 nbs, I need to get a couple things out of the way. First, I am pissed at Melissa still for something a few weeks ago (she asked for advice a few weeks ago on how *she* should handle her cousin’s breast cancer and then got an attitude when I said something). Today she was going to the mall and I decided I needed to go as well and if I went with her, I could talk to her about how I felt. Well she said she’d let me know by 1 if she was going. At 2:52 she finally tells me she’s going and doesn’t have a lot of time so we can go next time. Ok--you know what? FUCK YOU. I just feel like I got totally blown off and I just don’t have time for “friends” like that. *shakes head* It’s just irritating and honestly, I’m fine staying home doing nbs and having my Rita time, but still. I did call her out on it, and she’s like, “ur right. I should’ve thought of tellin’ ya, last minute decision.” Whatever. Don’t ask me why I’m not talking to you as much and then blow me off, when I’m already pissed at you. Ugh. I can’t wait to move and I hope we do! Speaking of moving, I mentioned THINKING about moving to Barb’s (Brian’s mom). She has no idea how serious I am about it, and it was mentioned in passing. Still, she says (in front of Brody and Stephanie) that she can’t believe I want to move to Indiana. WTf! This is not her place to tell. I mean we don’t exactly want Brody to know until we know for sure. *sigh* I just I just can’t tell a person a damn thing anymore. Man, I just found out Barb got a job at Dunkin Donuts. I’ve been looking for 3, almost 4 months. She just lost her job at Big Lots Monday the 7th. Yes this makes me feel like a real loser. I’m going to comment to you now so I can calm down.
--Alright, let me start off by saying *HUGE HUGS*. I will never forget the day I got a text from you saying Barry was in jail. I was at Skeeters with Ryan Mac and Brian (this was the first time they met) and it was Superbowl Sunday. I literally cried for you. I think that says a lot about how connected you and I are. This was before we knew why and that he was a heroin addict. Reading back on all of it--he never treated you right. I feel like he guilted you--without you realizing it--to working hard so he’d trust you when he should have done the same for you. I feel like barfing over Barry--it just makes my stomach hurt. I hope he knows how badly he fucked up and lives with it for the rest of his life. Asshat.
Next, I need to say this and I am sorry if I offend you, but Larry reminds me of every “man” I ever let get in my pants and got excited over. He fucks you and then doesn’t talk to you and then says he’s busy. This is not boyfriend material or even friend material, Rita. Anyone who cares for you will take 5 minutes to say, “hey what’s going on in your life?” The only difference I see between Larry and Ryan Mac is that Larry is not (I hope) a drug addict and I didn’t sleep with Ryan. Other than that, Larry only talks to you when he feels flirty and it’s convenient for him. If his intentions were different, then he’s just a moron and he lost out. But I hope the next guy will prove what I am saying is true. And I only say all this because I saw what you already went through, and I love you!
--I love all your tarot stuff! Very nice to see creative stuff, but I totally don’t mind reading over you obsessing over stuff. How often do I do it? Lol. I think that’s all I am going to comment on for now. I really miss California. I wasn’t even there for a week, Rita. How can I love it so much and feel like that is where I belong? I miss the air, the mountains, the beauty. I want to go back so bad it hurts!
<3 California <3
Ok, shower time, then walking the dogs/doing video stuff more later.
5:08pm
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