July 12th, 2012

July 12th, 2012
9:26pm

Hey Chels,
Ugh I am awake too damn early and I will tell you why. I had a really bad dream about Barry.  First, he tried to rape me but I kept pushing him away.  He said he missed me and kept trying to get in my pants but eventually gave up because he wasn't getting anywhere.  Then I was in my house talking to my mom about it and then I started locking all the windows and doors.  When I got to the garage a car pulled up and he and Jenelle were inside and they were full on making out.  I said, "ew" really loudly and they heard me so they started arguing how to "get me back" and then all hell broke loose. These people just busted into my garage and started stealing shit and one guy had a machine gun.  I ended up shooting him in the neck and then I woke up.
So... wow.  I know EXACTLY how to enterpret this one.  I feel invaded by Barry trying to mess with me while full on flaunting his relationship with Jenelle.  Most of it is pathetic but a few things piss me off about the whole thing.  First of all, they're taking pictures together and she's posting them on her facebook.  He and I NEVER did that.  It took him 8 months to tell me he loved me and change his relationship status on facebook and even then he hid it so no one could see it and he announced to the whole world that he's with her.  I even found a framed picture of him and Sarah in his apartment while I was cleaning it out and she was all over his facebook.  So, apparently I had to be really fucking flakey and just not that into him or full on CRAZY to have him feel about me the way I did about him.  I know he's lonely and she is the only one who would take him back and they're doing drugs together plus I had to change my phone number so he'd stop fucking with me and he's only doing these things TO hurt me, but still.  I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment.  All I did was love him.  And it's no wonder why I'm scared of being in another relationship and giving my heart away again.  Even though I know full well that my next guy probably wouldn't do anything like that, it's still scary to put myself out there.

So, I am seriously considering reading those L.A. Banks books again, but if I am going to do that I'm gonna need to devote some sort of time to it so it's not just sitting in my room for two months taking up space.  I'm debating on whether or not to start from the beginning or continue with where I started off.  There are things I wouldn't mind reading again.  But I dunno... I'm thinking it would be easier to just buy the books off Amazon.com so I'd have them here and could take my time instead of having to keep checking them out.  So... I have a plan (I just thought of it).  I'm gonna continue where I left off. I'm going to try and read at least 50 pages a night minimum and then I'm gonna report back in here what happened within those 50 pages.  If it bores you, you don't have to read it, lol.  Maybe I will start today when I take my dad to the doctor (afterwards).  Eek I can't wait!  And also... I'm gonna read right before bed so I have time to do all my other nbs and study so I'm going to have to change yoga to in the morning or something I do right before getting into bed and reading. I just want to finally have this series read!  And since I have no stupid boy distractions, I can read and study and to NBS on the days I'm not either taking care of my dad or otherwise busy.

Alright, I'm gonna go type up more of your last nb (mine to you) so I actually finish it before your b'day (by then I will be done with this one and working on my next).  I already figured out that I will be keeping the actual notebooks for the last nb but sending this one to you.  So it will be nice to get both an nb and an actual book. I just think it's better like that before I didn't really finish what I was doing in the last one and I dunno... I could finish it I guess.  Hmmm.... now I'm not so sure, lol.

Anyways, I love you!  and have a great day.

<3,
me

10:03am
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12:43pm

Hey lady!
So... I finally made some decisions today.
1) You WILL be getting EACH nb as I finish typing it up.  That means I'm gonna actually finish what I started :).
2) I'm going to put all my myspace and facebook pics in separate albums so I'm not trying to get them all developed at once.  But I'm gonna wait until I have some more room on my bookshelf from turning all my notebooks into actual books to get cute little albums of all my pictures (thus FINALLY organizing them).
3) Wait till my next paycheck to start studying again.
4) Library TODAY to get my books.
5) finish up this book with writing so I can start getting stuff ready for the next nb, which will be filled with color!  Whee!

I think these are all very good decisions and I am so happy to feel all productive again.

Yippie!

1:03pm