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Sorry about that. I was busy and distracted by Disney Channel last night. Then Brian and I decided to go to Skeeters. We don’t really do much during the week so I like coming there. Er, going. Last night was fun but I’m just burnt out on it. I mean just because I’d rather spend “our” money on other things than bar life. Idk, when I drive and work, life will be much different.
So I can tell you what happened with Brian THIS week now. Ugh. I feel like every time I write to you I have to tell you about a different fight I’ve had with Brian. Basically it’s my fault this time. I was going to take Brody to a movie (Breaking Dawn 2) and then Brian’s bank got fucked up so I couldn’t go and I got mad. Not at him really, but the situation--and he asked me about it so I explained--then I got no answer so I got mad at him. I mean, he was at work but then he should have waited until later to talk to me about everything. So it turned into a big fight and I told him I was sick of fighting with him and he was like “I’m sick of you getting pissed at me, too.” So I said something to the effect of maybe he should let me go, or I was setting him free or something and he was just like, “Ok I’ll come get my stuff I guess it’s over.” So I about lost my damn mind. I spent like the next two hours begging him not to let this happen. He just said he wasn’t good enough for me and was such a loser and that he was going to let me go. I actually understood exactly how Bella was in New Moon. Craziness. When he finally came over, we cried together for a while. Then I made him bring everything back upstairs that I had packed (of his).
So, we’re ok but now I’m worried that he’s only with me because I begged him. He says that’s not the case. I really hope I don’t always have to wonder.
Anyway more later. I’m gonna clean. I can’t get my DVD player to work and I lost my cleaning motivation. Maybe after I break 100 pages. I kind of want to finish this part of the nb before Christmas so I can do another starting January 1st. I have a plan. Haha. As you can see, I am doing a LOT for this nb.
--stories
--fashion portfolio
--review book/videos
--2 writing nb one with food/fitness plan
--and holidays.
I think that will do it for this nb. I hope I get some inspiration for the next one soon. I am trying to decide if I’m going to type that up for you and just make two copies of it, or just let you type it. I guess there’s no point in worrying about it now because I still have this one which I’m sorry to say, I will not be typing. Anyway so I feel like taking the time to go over something with you. As you know, I want out of this place. I’m not 100% sure of where I want to go, but I know Brian is hoping I’ll like Indiana and move there with him.
Pros
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--I’d be away from here
--closer to you
--closer to Winter
--closer to Autumn (for Brody)
--cold weather
--season change
--cheaper to live
--more jobs
--Brian’s friends are awesome
Cons
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--I’d be away from dad
--closer to ex Jen
I’m scared it will be like Ohio.
As you can see, more pros than cons. I just needed to write that out. I’m going to talk to Brian’s friend Kirby about it and get an idea of what life is truly like there. I kind of want to go but I’m terrified my parents will be pissed and that they’d be right to. I’m terrified it will be like Ohio. I want to do these things first:
--have a driver’s license
--visit first
--get certified as an MA
--be 100% sure of Brian and maybe be married first.
I think the latter is a lot to ask for but it’s mostly to ensure that if we get married it’s here. I’m just really freaking scared I’ll be a long way from home and be wrong again. I’m glad I wrote all that out lol. I’m going to go fold laundry and think about it more. Ok, I only have two loads. One is in the dryer and the other is in the washer. Once I break 100 pages I will go do my room, and as you can see--I’m finally close. So, I think I’ve finally decided that the main thing holding me back from Indiana is the fear of Brian being around Jen. She’s out of jail and now he wants to go back. Hmmmm. I don’t know if my fear is irrational or within good reason, but it’s so huge, I can taste it. It makes my heart shatter just thinking of it. The more I think of this, the more I wonder if letting Brian go is a necessity. I’m either bat shit crazy or my instincts are waving big giant red flags. I wish I knew. I love him so much but I feel like Jen will always be a problem and that’s on both of us. I mean, she’s his past and I can’t change that, and I shouldn’t want to. But she comes up in conversation so often. He tells me so many different things and I think he’s still in love with her. I’m not saying he doesn’t love me. However, writing this makes me think he still loves her. I wish you were here to witness all this so you could tell me if I’m crazy or not. Now I’m crying over it and it’s driving me nuts wondering if I really am just fucked up.
This makes me just wanna go in my room, lay down, and cry. I don’t want him to still be in love with Jen. I don’t want him to just settle for me and always wonder about her. I want to be someone’s first choice, Rita. Why am I never someone’s first choice? I’m like a side note. “Well that didn’t work out so well, I guess I’ll take this--it’s good for me.” I’m Jacob, not Edward. I’m nuts, aren’t I?
I need to change the subject. Btw, I’m writing with the pens you got me. They’re kind of like the ones I bought before that are hard to see. *sigh* lol. I finally broke 100 pages! I only have 94 pages left in here so can I do it before the new year? I think so. I really think I can. haha.
So, tonight I’m taking Brody to Breaking Dawn. I’ve now seen it and I’m the only Twilight fan who seems disenchanted by it.
Ok I need to vent. My dad was just bitching about 1 plate in the sink. Oh, and my empty 2 liter of Canada Dry ginger ale on the counter. WTF do you mean no one puts their plates away, they just leave it in the sink? I’m the one who cleans the fucking kitchen. Then he bitches about HOW they are in the dishwasher. WTF. Hey, I’m back! I just ate dinner (I am sick of Thanksgiving leftovers. Next year I’m going out. Lol.) So, Brody and I went to Breaking Dawn 2 and he really liked it. I can officially be done with it until it comes out on DVD. I’m still going to buy it but I’m still disappointed in it. I still was heartbroken during Alice’s vision but I still believe they should have kept it that way. I really don’t want Lionsgate to remake them--and it’s not a definite that they will--but I will admit I’m curious. Still… If they’d left it at Alice’s vision? Hello creative control! The possibilities for other movies are endless. Ok, I’m stepping off my soapbox now. Lmao.
Gah my brother didn’t want to shut up at all. And I mean I was interested in our conversation but I was enjoying my Rita time. Lol. It was just a discussion on Agenda 21 and Obama passing a law saying the government can read all our emails, then the topic went to the end of the world. The bible says when we turn our backs on Israel, Jesus is coming for us, and Obama has now turned his back on the one country that will help America. I believe it’s the end almost. I’m terrified but not yet. I know where I’m going and I know that there is nothing like it. It will be beautiful. At the same time, it’s hard to imagine life not on earth. Still, the idea of death and then heaven has always really bothered me. Yet the idea of Jesus coming as Revelations predicts and taking all his believers with him but leaving the non believers behind is ok with me. I mean not ok because it’s sad to know some loved ones won’t be joining me. But I don’t fucking know lol. ENOUGH ABOUT ALL THAT. I just watched all the cheering up vlogs. I think I’ll do my Wednesday (birthday) vlog as a tour of my room. Hopefully I will have it clean, neat, and organized by then. I hope I can do all that tomorrow because I may be busy gardening the rest of this week for my friend Ryan Miller. I’m happy people are trying to give me work but I really want a real job. Ugh.
Well, I was going to end on the next page but Brian keeps talking so I guess I should end this. I just really want to make sure I don’t fall behind on my writing in here. Lol. You just told me about a writing group and now I’m really intrigued. I would like to join one of those. Hmmm. I may just look into that! Anyway, I talked to Brian about my feelings on Indiana and moving there. He says he doesn’t blame me for feeling the way I do because it does seem weird that he wants to move back now that Jen is out of jail. He says no amount of pleading or denying he’s in love with Jen will change my feelings. I don’t think anything he said changed my mind either. I would want to be around at all times if he wants to be friends with her. Ugh. Lol. He also seems to think he could get me a job as a waitress (the bbq place he worked at before moving here). If I wanted to work as a waitress, I’d do it now. I need a career and I’m sorry (no wait--I’m NOT sorry) that’s not good enough for me. I know this isn’t going to be an easy decision, but now Brian is so excited that I’d consider it. Lol. I’m proud that I’m not scared to confront my feelings with people anymore. It’s nice to have someone in my life (romantically speaking) that I can discuss things with. Brian says he doesn’t think things between us are nearly as rocky as I think they are so I find that kind of interesting. Alright lovebug, now that I have exceeded my goal, I can say I love you more than life! Goodnight.
Moosh!
<3,
me
Moosh army will dominate!
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