Uuuuuugggggghhhhhhh. That test was so hard and confusing. I couldn't have studied enough for it. Meaning nothing I studied helped. And I feel like complete shit right now. Nathan cleaned the bathroom and the garbage can I use for my tampons. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I told him he didn't have to do that and he said, "oh well. It needed to be done." And I said that I would have cleaned it myself. I just don't want a guy (besides my fiance) to see that shit, and that's only if he has to. Well, I have some stuff I bought for ur present and stuff so I'm gonna work on it for a while and when I feel better I'm going to write again. Oh! I got a couple cards, but I wanted to put pictures in them so I want to get some pics of us in Halloween costumes (I know it's over but I got the card cuz it was cute). We can even just play dress up or whatever. And the other is an anniversary card so I need some pics of you and David. I'm just gonna need some pics. Lol.
<3 you!
Rita
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11:00pm
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Blah. I gotta pay rent tomorrow and some bills. I really hope I can put some $ on my car. What I'm thinking about is putting about $50-$100 on the car and the next week put more and when Brian gets paid the next time put $300 and then pay this month's payment in the beginning pay that payment. Phew that was a lot to say. Anywho--Sorry about earlier. I'm just going through a lot right now. Sometimes I wonder why I call on Joe so much. I have always had angels around me so I know if I let him go it would be beneficial for both of us. I was just beginning to know him when he died. So, Joe, if you can hear me, I love you. I am letting you fly free so soar the heavens and do what makes your heart happy. You can visit whenever you want to but there are other people who need your light more than I do. Light and love,
Rita
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I know there are people I keep with me, around me and in my heart, and I will never forget any of them. Death really sucks though. At least with someone with a terminal illness, you can prepare for their death. But like with Tyson and Joe, it hits you like cement and stays with you and even when your heart heals, you need to let their spirit go up to heaven so they can fulfill what God meant for them to do. Maybe Tyson and Joe were angels on earth and that's why God sent them home early. I don't mean to bring this up to upset you, I am just trying to understand it myself.
I wonder if there will be a BBQ at Corey's house like there was last year. Corey is this guy who lives in Ft Lauderdale. He is extremely quiet but very nice. All I know about him is that he lives by himself and he likes Marilyn Monroe. He has his own business and he was in the band with Joe. It was him (Corey), Vor, Joe, and someone else... Mike was the lead singer. That was Osiris Rising. Then Vor had a band named Vile Feast which Joe was in... I'm a little confused as to who was where, but everyone was so intermingled with each other. But they were all best friends. So... I'm just wondering if we'll be invited because of what happened between us and Earnest. I'll just hafta see. None of Earnest's friends can even stand Lauren anyways. I remember last year we went (when Lauren and I were still friends, this was the month before we got into the fight and stopped being friends). Lauren was behind Earnest and he hit her in the lip with his elbow. She got grouchy and we all had to leave. Okay--how stupid does that sound? Has David ever "accidentally" hit you in the lip with his elbow? That should tell you what kind of relationship they have. Pfffft.
Anywho--if I'm invited, I'll go. I'm not going for anyone else but Joe. If anyone asks (which I really don't think they will) I'll just say I handled a bad situation the wrong way.
What I think is really fucking funny is that Earnest will take his girlfriend's friends sides, but he won't take his own friend's sides. I know a handful of people who have been his friend for the better part of a decade who just keep their mouth shut. At least Brian wasn't ever fake. When he was yelling at me about what happened at the party, he told me "his friends" all said I had an attitude. I asked him who his friends were and he started naming Lauren's friends! I'm like, "So you're taking the word of people you've known for 2 minutes against the word of someone you've known for 2 years? Okay whatever."
I understand he's doing what he's "supposed" to do and as long as he's going out with Lauren, their side is his side. Have I ever been shitty towards him? NO. But does he ever stop to think of how I might feel before immediately taking her side? Again, no.
It's been almost a year since that happened, but I feel like it's been so much longer. Sometimes I really miss him. He was a good person to talk to. Before his stupid man brain shrunk.
Ugh. I am depressed. Because there's something I really wanted to write but it's really hard. I don't even think it's anything I've ever told you. Not for any reason, it just never comes up. Ur prolly thinking, "okay Rita shut up and talk to me."
Okay. whenever my birthday comes around I always think of years before. Not to dwell on anything but just reflect on how far I've come. I remember when I was going out with Mike. I was 19 turning 20. I remember the night before (the 26th) was the second time we had sex. It was in Heather and Jessie's room (now that I look back I cannot believe I had sex in a child's bed. We used different sheets but still. That should have been the first clue that it was wrong). Well, I just remember he was extremely drunk and I was just looking out the window. It must have lasted for 45 minutes before he just stopped. On my 20th birthday, we were asleep on the couch. Everyone went to church (Lisa, Carlos, Heather and Jess) and when they came back Lisa told me to come to the dining room. She had bought me a card and a birthday cake. I was truly touched by that. After I ate breakfast I had to leave because there was an art exhibit in Chicago I wanted to go to. At that time I was still in college and I took a jewelry class. Actually it was the last time I heard from Maggie until this year. I met her in 8th grade and when everyone else was treating me like shit she was the one who stuck by me. Anywho, I had trouble walking because I was so sore from the night before. My parents didn't say anything but I wonder if they knew. At that point I hadn't told anyone I was having sex. Anyways, that week was Halloween. I wanted to be Alex from "A Clockwork Orange" but I didn't really know what I was doing. I got to Lisa's house that night and she told me she knew we had sex. She wasn't mad at me but she was pissed at Mike. She was like, "she was saving herself you idiot." It all went downhill from there. I remember when I first got pregnant. I remember how tired I was and I couldn't sit down all the way. I think I wrote about this before. I'm not sure. I just have all these memories floating around in my head that sometimes I say the same things over and over. Sorry! I do know i have a lot of things I just never wrote about. It's funny how you remember the same things over and over and overlook the same things.
Well, about a week or so before my miscarriage I hunt out with Emily. I think we saw Harry Potter 2 and I fell asleep. Eep I'm having this memory and it's tying in with another one. It was after Christmas but before New Year's. Emily was home from school and I wanted to see her. We had dinner at TGIFriday's with her mom and my parents. I remember I was supposed to go to the Superbowl but I couldn't for 2 reasons. 1) we weren't friends w/ the guy who had the tickets anymore and 2) it was too cold to go. I think from Friday's Emily and I went to see Harry Potter and I fell asleep and then we went back to her apartment and I ate a full plate of holiday food. To this day I can't eat like that. I'll eat like a pig sometimes but not like that. I just remember thinking I might be pregnant but I still didn't want to admit it. Then it was New years. Mike, Jessica and I were at the apartment watching Lizzie McGuire and I had a wine cooler and a half a poured the rest down the drain. I called my parents at midnight and I drifted off to sleep. A couple hours later I woke up to Lisa yelling. She and Carlos had gotten into a huge fight. I think she was pissed cus he was jealous that she was dancing with someone. I dunno. Anywho, a week later I had the miscarriage. It sucked cuz I thought of staying home and I didn't. Whenever I think about it, I wish so many things had been different. A part of me wishes I hadn't of gone back to him after it happened. But I never would have met the Barth family. I think Mike knew that I was with him for everyone else and it pissed him off. He would tell me not to talk to Terri. Stupid.
Wow. I have been working on this notebook literally since I woke up this morning (minus some study time) and then again at 8 when i got home. You want to know what time it is? After 1am on Friday, November 2nd. I have to get some pictures of us so tomorrow (or later today when I wake up) I'm gonna call you and see when ur off so we can take pics. I wish it would stop raining so we could go to the beach. Although it might be interesting to take pics in the rain. Haha. I'm so tired I'm messing up when I write.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me bitch and moan even if I already have. Oh and I wanted to write something else before I forget. But hold on. Gotta get ready for bed. Ahhh. Got in my pjs and took my Simply Sleep and brushed my teeth. So I feel a lot better now. I like taking simply sleep because it helps me remember my dreams.
Anywho--I was thinking about this bike trip. I remember you saying we should take pics of the places we've been and I think it's a great idea. I was at my uncle's house (the one in Ohio) and I saw this scrapbook my aunt's children made for her (she has 3 children from a previous marriage). They had this picture taken of them by a tree when they were little, and then went to that same place when they were older. I think it would be a great idea for us. So when you get this book, start thinking of some places you would like to go that have memories.
Shit there was something else I wanted to write about but I am totally spacing out.
Alright, so tomorrow I'm paying rent/bills, seeing what ur schedule looks like, and then work on this. I still need to finish my comments and interpret your dreams.
Love you,
Rita Bo bita
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OOOh! One more thing.... I want to ask if I can give you and David a couple cameras so you can take cute pics (it's for ur b-day)!
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