October 28th, 2010

October 28th, 2010
1:23pm
0 days-1

I think I did that right, lol.  Man alive it’s been a long time since I’ve written in here.  5 whole days.  So, even though what I REALLY want to write about is my birthday, I have 5 days of stuff to catch up on.  So… Friday was the day I remembered to bring my ex’s cd with me to see if it worked.  Back a long time ago (before Joe died), Brian was friends with the people in this band called Osiris Rising.  They came out with one cd.  Brian had their cd plus Sense of Being on the same cd.  When I left, I took it.  I thought it had either gotten lost or thrown away but then recently I found it.  And I was like, “ooh, I hope this works.”  I kept forgetting to bring it with me though, so actually remembering to bring it with me was quite the miracle within itself.  So… I popped it into the cd player and to my surprise, it worked!  I was so happy.  And even more pleased that I had it and Brian didn’t.  I know he’d give his left foot for it because of Joe.
The funny thing is, when Mike (the lead singer of the band) started talking to me again last November (he stopped talking to me after I first got home in August 2008 after I pissed off his girlfriend).  It was the day of my friend Jen’s birthday party.  He just IMed me and asked me what happened between Brian and me because he had heard from Earnest the story according to Brian (which basically means I cheated on him and left him broke and homeless).  At first I didn’t want to talk to Mike at all so I gave him some shit for a while but then I told him my side and he said that made much more sense than what Brian was saying.  Then he told me that he always had a crush on me, that’s why he always flaked on me when we were supposed to hang out, because he didn’t trust himself to behave (not to mention he had a girlfriend who got pregnant).  ~~Personal note: 3/19/2014… Why is it that all guys with pregnant girlfriends hit on me?!?!?!?  Anyways….
I told him about Brian’s rants about Joe when he would get drunk and Mike said it was better that I had the cd because he wouldn’t want Brian anywhere near him or his music.
If Brian knew how many of his “friends” actually pitied him and were afraid of him more than actually liked him, I think he’d be shocked.  Well… maybe not.
Anywho… hanging out with Emily was great.  We have a good time hanging out in person but we never keep in touch over the phone or even on Facebook.  But she’s still my oldest friend ever.  We had lunch at this Thai place that I’ve been meaning to eat at ever since the summer.  Food wasn’t THAT great, but the dessert more than made up for it.  I got myself some tempura cheesecake.  Soooooo gooooooood!  Haha.  After that we walked around town and did some window shopping.  There were things I liked but not really practical.
I drove her home around 6pm and by the time I got back home there was nothing left of me but a broken shell.
Saturday I spent the entire day with Alex and the baby.  Ugh--I just realized that it’s almost 3pm.  I really need to eat something.  BRB……

3:33pm
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Mmmmmm that was a gooooooood samich.  I made grilled cheese with salami added in.  Absolutely delish.  Okay so… the baby was feeling a lot better than he was the last time I saw him.  I didn’t want to just expect him to let me pick him up.  So I just played with him for a bit.  When we went to the park I picked him up a couple times.  He didn’t seem upset by it so I figured it was okay.  Just being around him and watching him was a real blessing.  Alex put on a dvd she made of the birth, mainly just the hospital room.  We kept telling Anthony, “Hey that’s you!” He just didn’t want to believe it.  After he finally went to sleep, Alex and I had some girl talk.  It was really nice to talk to her… being a mom has really changed her. She worried me by talking about sex (she doesn’t really care for it anymore), but I think it has more to do with being stressed out than not liking sex anymore.  Plus, with all the stuff she’s been through involving sex, I’m surprised she doesn’t have more issues with sex.
So anyhow...I finally left around 11:30pm.  All in all it was a great day out.
Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were all boring as shit.  So next comes MY birthday!  I did get ur package after returning home from getting the Halloween pumpkin.  And Tuesday night I got to open it!  I started going through it… it’s so good!  I know you left me some blank pages but I wanted to answer them in here, I hope that’s okay.

{senior questions}

Wow...I’ve been writing in here practically all day and I keep getting distracted.  I wanted to go to Starbucks to read the notebook but it’s way too cold.  It’s 41 out here.  That guy probably thinks that I hate him, lol.
I’m gonna study for a while.  I got some stuff to catch up on.

Love you!
Rita

8:53pm
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Hey Chels!
I’m making a dent in the nb but I want to pace myself so I don’t read it all in one day.  So… I watched Supernatural and studied for a bit but by then all I wanted was a cheesecake break.  That of course lead to a nb break… and so on.  Lol… I am having a fun time reading your stuff.  I think it’s funny that you said that thing about your brother having really cool numbers associated with his birthday and you don’t.  Yesterday (on my 28th birthday) there were 1128 days till your 30th birthday.  Your birthday is on 11-28.  Not to mention we are 1 year, 1 month and 1 day apart from each other.  Shit like that doesn’t just fall out of the sky.  Oh and I’m sorry about all the shit you went through on your trip.  It’s so weird how much things change… at the beginning of the nb you and Erin were still close and now… well you know.
In a way I know that you didn’t replace me with Erin but that’s what it felt like at the time.  And I was pissed because you and I had been friends for 6+ years and then you run to her.  Looking back… I know she was who you needed at the time, but it still really hurt me.
I’m not so mad when it comes to her anymore though, I just want you to be happy.  I haven’t even made it through the second chapter yet and already I can see that this nb is a lot more freeing and positive than the last one.
That story about Grant made me cringe.  I remember some of it but I stopped talking again in March, so that was before you guys… had relations.  It wasn’t that you had sex or even sent him pics of yourself that made me cringe, though.  It was the fact that he 1) lied about his own marriage 2) lied about his age 3)gave you his personal cell phone number 4)agreed to having unprotected sex with you, twice (which I don’t really see as your fault, just poor judgement).  In all honest, Ryan and I have only used a condom maybe 3 times.  He had to have all kinds of tests after the woman he was seeing ended up pregnant.  But anyhow… I could go on about how much of a creep this guy was… I’m glad that nothing farther happened to incriminate you.  maybe that’s not the right word.  Uuuuuhhhh...involve you in a deep sea of twisted emotions?  I dunno.  Lol I’m tired… sorry.  Anywho… it reminds me of a couple stories from when I first got home.
When I was coming home from Florida I was texting this guy named Mike.  He gave me my first kiss when I was 10.  We went to high school together but I was too shy to say anything to him. So when I found him on Myspace and we talked, that was the night/morning that I got siiiiiiiick.  We didn’t talk that much afterwards but… he was the one that wrote those suggestive comments when we took pics in the hot tub and you sort of had a… situation w/ the top of your bathing suit.  Lol.  Anywho, the first night I met up with him he was so nice to me.  We took a walk and he asked me what happened {with us} but I think he was more upset that I took the pics down.  I’m mad at myself for getting rid of the pics because I normally keep everything.  But… life goes on.  Anywho, he kept sending me all these texts that were...to say the least.. NC-17 to X rated.  I liked the attention but some of the things he said were strange.
He wanted me to come over when his parents were asleep and he expected me to kiss him first… oh and he also wanted me to show up without a bra on.  It was freezing cold out so I had to wear a lot of layers and I just felt wrong the whole time.  We sat on the couch and we started kissing for a while which was nice but I think he was expecting me to rip his clothes off or something.  But we were in the living room, there was nothing romantic about it.  All he ended up getting out of me was some under the shirt kissing and then he stopped.  I was enjoying it but I was also weirded out, plus while I was making out with him, Ryan started texting me.  I wasn’t outright trying to make him jealous but I guess it worked.  After a while Mike and I just stopped kissing and he didn’t even act like he wanted me there.  At the end of the night we kissed goodnight (he even went so far as to flash me--ew) and I went home.
He thought I wasn’t into it because I hadn’t been with anyone in a while.  But he had no idea about Ryan or the fact that the last person I kissed was definitely not my boyfriend (well, ex).  It didn’t feel the same to me kissing Mike when I still hadn’t sorted out my feelings for Ryan.  I really had a hard time at first because even though I was still mad at you, I missed you.  All of this happened in early September, you and I started talking in late September/early October (while you were still in GA) and then something happened with Geoff in November.  When I stopped talking to you (the first time) it was mainly because I was falling deeper in love with Ryan and I felt like it was better if you never had to know.  During this time I was still conflicted about having an actual relationship with Ryan because on the one hand he would say stuff to me to make me think that he liked me, but then he said that he doesn’t do the long distance thing.  We used to have fights because we couldn’t just say that we liked each other, plus i was going back and forth about telling you.  I felt like on the one hand you had a right to know the truth, but on the other hand you had already hurt me so much so I didn’t owe you anything.  BTW, I really appreciate what you said in the nb.  I never ever wanted to hurt you.  You saw Ryan for someone that he wasn’t yet and he had a lot of growing up to do.  I want to be with him, but I want to be friends with you, too.  So if he can’t handle that then too bad.  If I didn’t want to be friends with you, we wouldn’t be.  But even when I started to heal and I felt like I could be okay without you, I realized that I didn’t want to be without you.  I have a place for everyone in my life who wants to be there and I’m not holding you against your will, as are you (not holding me against mine).  To be honest, this is the way I always wanted our friendship to be.  I always prayed for you and constantly worried about you, but I never wanted to give up on you.  I still feel horrible for abandoning you when you were still in Ohio (this was right before you left).  I know you’ve forgiven me, but it’s the one time I feel like I really failed you.
I probably have a better time trusting you more now because you don’t talk to Brian as much.  It sounds mean to say but I still feel like the only reason why he wanted to be friends with you was because you were both angry at me.  But you have grown up a lot since then and I’m pretty sure he is still the same as he was before (just like Erin).  What I’m trying to say is that before (especially last summer) I was worried that if I confided anything in you, he would hear about it and have reason to contact me.  Which makes what I’m about to say that much harder because not only have I kept it from you all this time, I’m writing it in here instead of sharing it with you outright.
My cousin Kathy (the one who had breast cancer) passed away on May 27th, 2009.  After Christmas 2008 (in February, I think), the leukemia came back.  She knew she wasn’t gonna make it but she went through chemo again and it was really rough.  The only time I got to see her was once in the hospital right before she died.  During chemo she couldn’t have any visitors at all.  So one day when I came home from work (I was still at my other job) my mom told me that we had to go to the hospital to say goodbye to Kathy.  My dad’s caregiver was there and she was really pregnant at the time.  I just sort of broke down and she gave me this huge hug and told me she was sorry.  I had been suppressing my feelings for so long that I got my period twice that month: once in the beginning of the month (but it was really light) and that Sunday (the day before the phone call) I heard a voice in my dream that said, “She’s dead.”  I woke up immediately and when I got to the bathroom it looked like my vagina exploded, it was so heavy.  I was checking my facebook pretty much nonstop for like 2 months.
The hospital was rough.  Seeing Kathy was the way she looked it was like she was already gone.  Amy practically lived at the hospital for 2 ½ weeks, until Kathy was brought home to die.  In the hospital room as soon as Kathy saw me she reached for my hand and squeezed it.  I tried to open my mouth to say I love you but I just couldn’t get the words out.  She could only talk sometimes but Amy told us that she would have lucid moments where she would just talk about things she remembered.  I guess when you’re at the end, you want people to know what you mean to them.  I guess that’s why your friend wanted you to sing your favorite song for him.
The last time I saw her was Memorial Day weekend.  She was in a hospital bed in the room she and her husband shared.  It was the room I haven’t been in since Amy’s first wedding.  Again, I tried to say I love you but I couldn’t.  You know how Amy is older than me and I am older than Maddy (a generation thing)?  The same thing went for Kathy and my mom.  Just like Amy has memories of me in diapers and I have memories of Maddy, Kathy had those same memories of my mom.  {not true, that would have to be Jerry that would remember my mother that way.  My mom was already a teenager by the time he and Kathy got married.  Sorry for the mixup.  6/12/14] Kathy was 66 when she died.  My mom is 55 now.  Amy is 43, I’m 28, and Maddy is 14.  So the gaps vary a little, but we all have those memories revolving around each other.  I think that’s what it means to have a family.  I couldn’t say the words out loud so I just thought in my head, “Goodbye, Kathy.  I love you.”  It was too hard to go back inside to see her again so I just thought it in my head again before I left.
She died peacefully on May 27th, 2009 at 11:38am.  Amy sent a text message saying “Mom just left us.”  I remember this because I was going to a client’s house and my inbox was filled (I still had the Samsung Gravity phone).
Ugh wow… it’s almost 2am.  I NEED to stop writing, otherwise the next thing I know it’ll be 6am.  So this is where I say goodbye, but I promise to write tons more in the AM.

<3,
me