October 17th, 2010
Hey Chels,
No worries. Once this countdown is over, I have 3 more to drive you crazy with. As of today: 48 days until Eclipse comes out on DVD, 397 days until Breaking Dawn part 1 comes to theaters and 761 days until Breaking Dawn pt 2 comes to theaters.
So… I have plenty of material to drive you crazy with at least for the next…. 2 years. Wow… By the time Breaking Dawn pt 2 comes out I’ll be 30. Holy shit! Yep. 741 days until I’m 30. Wow…. 1138 days until you turn 30. This countdown thing could be fun. I can picture myself writing in different nb’s as the days go by, informing you just how many more days to go until the big 30 for the both of us. I wonder what my life will be like by then. Right now the only thing I want to accomplish by then is getting my massage license. That’s all I want! And to pay off my debts. I got another mean letter from my car company telling me if I pay them $842 by my birthday I can keep paying them. Well, they’re not gonna get that much from me but they will be getting the majority of my next paycheck.
I have to pay my car insurance by Saturday and I have till the 31st to pay for my tags. So… I’ll just be catching up with my phone payment and I’ll be able to pay back my mom a little at the beginning of November plus save some money to take to Florida with me (the dates are supposed to be the 6th to the 16th). If Ryan waits any longer to buy them they might be too expensive though.
Ugh… I want my new phone already. And even though I think some of the apps are really cool, I can live without them. I did find a diary feature that I actually like so for now I’m gonna make the most out of it. But my IPod does have a notepad feature so if I really want to type stuff out I can use that. I think I’m gonna end up picking the Samsung Gravity 3. I know you want a droid but I have to tell you that it’ a really huge hassle. I was ready to kill my phone after only 5 months. Plus… not to sound patronizing but for someone like you (who tends to have bad luck with phones), at least find one that’s sturdy enough to handle you.
I really wanted the smartphone because I wanted to see what all the buzz was about. To be honest, I miss having a flippy phone. But sadly those are all crap now. Apparently Tmobile is notorious for really great phone service and really shitty phones that tend to break. The trick is to do your research and see what other people are saying. Also, I’ve noticed that the more technology required to run a phone, the less it will work when you really need it. I am slowly learning that one myself. I have to say that I think it is completely weird that right after I put that article in here about Christina Aguilera wanting to give her son a brother or sister, not only does Courtney Cox and her hubby announce their split, so does Christina and her hubby. I thought they got married on the 14th of November (Brian’s and my anniversary), but it was the 19th. Whoops. Oh well. I remember Brian and I had just moved into our apartment. I was working at Winn Dixie and could still afford to buy stuff like food. I would buy myself a coke and a king size Snickers bar (it helped keep me awake), go outside and sit on the bench and either talk to whoever was sitting there or read. When Ok! Magazine came out with the article, I bought it and started reading. She walked herself down the aisle about 80% of the way before a couple of her friends walked her down the rest of the way. I cried when I read that. I remember being so happy that she had found the love of her life.
“Back to Basics” and the songs “Save Me From Myself” and “The Right Man” would jump out at me. I could just hear the happiness and love in her voice and just think to myself that I had that (with Brian) and then later, that was what I wanted. It gave me hope that love was out there even at the worst time in my life.
I’m really bummed now that this is happening to her. It’s weird growing up in the time of N’Sync, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Pink, Mandy Moore, etc. You sort of feel like you know these people because they’re your age (or close to) and you see them go through everything. You remember your life through their music. Christina Aguilera was one of those people for me. The way she just did her own thing and kept going on no matter what really spoke to my soul and kept on going. The thing I love about certain artists is the ability to share their lives through music. Not everyone does it, but some just aren’t ashamed to say “this is what I was going through at the time. This is how it felt. This was what I learned.” It takes a shit ton of bravery to be that honest and make a successful record. But I also think that that is why people either feel connected to the artist or they don’t. In this day and age with the only thing going for someone with no talent is a decent body (starving for some carbs) and the lovely invention called autotune, people still love to feel connected to a song. Those are the ones we listen to in the car over and over again, programming it as our cellphone ringtones and writing poetry with that song as the topic. These are the lyrics we get tattooed on our bodies and our hearts. And it brings a bit of humanity into the artist, letting you know that they have lives very similar to our own. Just magnified and speculated in magazines. People don’t realize how much of a small town Hollywood actually is until they realize that everyone is all smooshed together. Either that or they don’t even live there.
My whole point in all this babbling is that I feel like this divorce thing is the end of an era and I also feel like I’m going through this with her.
Anywho, It’s almost 2:30pm and I’m supposed to go to the library with my mom. “Supposed to…” but we’ll see. Heh.
I am feeling so much better today. I can vouch for whatever vitamins I’m taking because when I pee it finally feels like I’m really “relieving” myself. Sorry to be gross. But for the past month I have been feeling like I haven’t been getting rid of anything in my bladder. So when my period is done I’m gonna start doing yoga more like I used to.
Okay, now I really have to go.
Love,
RBB
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8:31pm
Hey Chels,
Well, you’re going to karaoke with ur buddies and I wish I could go with you but unfortunately I’m stuck here… at my house… 5 states away.
So, you know how I mentioned before that I have these post--it notes that I make notes on in case I forget to write about stuff? Well… the problem I’ve been having lately is that my list seems to be getting further and further away from my notes. So, before this next week starts, I’m going to get some of these topics scratched off my list. Let’s see… wow, that stroke conference that happened the first weekend of October. This time the focus wasn’t on the stroke victim, but the caregiver. One of the women who spoke was a nun. She was a real spitfire. I think I made a little video of her. Pretty much everyone who talked said that the most important thing was taking care of yourself. There was one lady who took care of her dad after he had a stroke. She took care of him for about 3 years and when he got better they stopped talking. She said she wished that she hadn’t isolated herself so much because she’s so busy taking care of her dad. She said something about a 12 step program and they didn’t really have any type of relationship with him.
The one thing I got out of this was that the whole thing is a long process. And even though from the outside my dad might seem 100% better, he will probably always be like this. Even though he isn’t needy like he was, he will never be 100% better again. But he wants to live. He’s happy to be alive. And I’m happy that I still have a dad. I have no idea what my life would be like if he had died. I would probably be okay by now, but my life would be different. I have no idea where I would be or what I’d be doing. And I know that I never would have made it to Florida. Not for a long time.
And I suppose that even though this is my new normal, I think it’s a pretty damn good one.
Now… I had written about bully awareness. I can’t remember why but I think it was because I was sick of hearing about “what we can do about it” and “fundraising to end bullying.” The truth is that parents let their 10 year olds have cell phones and Facebook pages. I think our generation (well, 25-30 at least) have it figured out the most. We’re the ones that remember high school on the cusp of the internet and we spent most of our teenage years surfing the web. Plus… we’re all grown up enough to know exactly what is going on with our kids. Most people I knew in middle and high school have kids already who are almost 10. Most are either 5 or 6. Now, the generation above us has kids who would be entering either 8th grade or high school. This is where the problems start. No one is going to be left out by not having a cell phone. Notes are now passed electronically and it is so much easier to talk shit about people. But unlike notes that can be ripped up and burned, text messages go around forever. In the “old days” rumors still got passed around and relationships and friendships still got ruined. It’s just the way high school is. But now it is just so much easier to kill someone’s reputation. If I ever found out that my kid was using his/her cell phone to bully someone, they wouldn’t be allowed to have one until they were at least 18. I don’t want my kids anywhere near that garbage. I think the problem now is that parents still want to seem “cool” and they think that being friends is more important than parenting. Now, there is a difference (at least to me) between what kids write in their diaries and journals and what they put on Facebook because diaries are supposed to be private. Parents have always wondered why their kids won’t talk to them and they break open their diaries and read their private thoughts. That to me is just plain wrong. Nowadays everything is everywhere so parents don’t have to wonder. And yet, somehow, kids are still getting bullied and still killing themselves. And people seem to be shocked! That’s what pisses me off about the whole thing. Alright, my mom is nagging me to watch CSI Miami with her.
<3,
me
9:29pm
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*Fan Fic*
Bella cracked open an eye as the sun shone through the open window and warmed her face. She had some pretty big things to think about and she wasn’t going to get much thinking done here in Edward’s room. She had no idea when he was going to be home but she guessed that when the sun was up, he wouldn’t be home for a while. She stretched and yawned as she blinked both eyes and finally opened them. She went to sit up and noticed that there was a lump beside her. She blinked as her eyes followed the lump right next to her face. She took a big gulp and opened her mouth to speak. “You…. are home early.” The look he gave her back was curious but not prying. “I missed you too much to stay away from you for too long.”
She remembered the events of last night, the huge talk she had with Alice, the choice to stay human, the choice to be with Edward forever. When she saw him here, in bed next to her, she knew this decision was going to be hard. This is why she needed to be alone and have time to think. “There is something wrong with your face,” Edward declared, studying her. “Alice told me you two had a big talk last night. I don’t want to pry, but I would like to hear what is on your mind.” Bella knew what she had to say. She knew that the only way she could get through this would be to just blurt everything out. But she couldn’t hurt him. Looking into those auburn eyes, she felt her heart melt and her chin began to quiver. She tried to hold in her tears but the traitors came rushing out anyway. “I knew it. Something is wrong.” Edward tried to close the gap between himself and Bella, but she wouldn't let his radiant skin come near her. For what she had to say, she had to be as far away from him as possible. If he touched her, she would land in a sea of tears and forget all the things swimming around in her brain, threatening to come up. She gave herself some time to compose her thoughts before continuing. "this is really hard for me to say so I'm just going to say it." Edward took a deep breath and kept as still as a statue, waiting for her to continue.
"I know that this may sound silly, but it needs to be said. After Rosalie told me her story, I began to wonder why I wanted to be a vampire so badly. I don't feel afraid here. Your family has accepted me since we first started going out, and it's been an honor to me to be accepted into your world. It's the first time I have ever really felt like I belonged. I know a big part of me is afraid to stay human, mostly because the Volturi know I know that vampires truly exist. Their only insurance that their secret would remain safe would be to kill me or turn me themselves. If I were going to become one of you, I wouldn't want anyone outside of your family to do it. I don't see you as a monster because you see your family as family and you treat everyone as if you were still human. I don't know a lot about your kind, but I know that for a vampire to live like this is unusual. But then, there's Jacob..... "
When Bella said his name, she heard the wolf's bay in her mind and her voice softened.
" Jacob was there for me in a way that no one else could have been. When you left me, he was the piece that held me together. I realize now that I probably should have handled things better and I probably did rely on him a bit too much. When I found out he was a werewolf, at first I was infuriated. But when I realized how everything happened, I knew that no matter what, someone was always looking out for me. He might seem young and hotheaded, but he takes his responsibilities very seriously and I trust him with everything that I have.
"whether or not I choose to become a vampire has more to do with him right now than it does you. I am not changing anything until I know for sure that things will be okay for all of us." Bella finally sat down on the bed, her body tired from all the emotions she had just displayed. She hoped that Edward would understand her apprehensions and come up with a solution rather than be his normal overreacting self. She looked at him, his features still as frozen now as they had been at the beginning of her little speech. "Edward, please say something."
A little flicker of dazzle spread across his face, though it was virtually invisible. "I love how you say my name," he said, his voice smooth and velvety. "I love how it rolls across your tongue, and how your pulse quickens when you mumble it out loud. Your dreams last night must have been very good, you clung to me and kept sighing my name. Your pulse was racing."
Bella blinked in complete surprise--she tried to remember anything she could about her dreams last night, but nothing came to mind. She couldn't understand his face, he was trying to be serious while trying to make her blush at the same time.
"You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything," Edward said, pulling Bella towards him and giving her a quick kiss on the forehead.
"You are perfect to me just the way you are. Your being a vampire has nothing to do with me. It is your choice. Always has been. But I have to say that you can see yourself as a part of this family, whether or not you are human. Everyone has accepted you because you are my lifemate, Bella. I still want to be with you forever, unless that little speech about your canine friend has got you curious about what life would be like with him."
Bella had no idea what to say. She knew Edward would be completely happy about her keeping herself human for a little while longer. But why did he have to talk about Jacob like that? It was time to end this nonsense.
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