1:15pm
Well, words can't express what an idiot I feel like right now. I took the smirnoff/xanax again and again, it felt great until I was trying to make love to my husband. Then there was 2 split seconds where I blacked out and then my stomach felt weird so I told David to tell you, Mal, and Laura I was getting sick.
I think in the future, once is enough if I really want to relax. But two nights in a row is fucking ridiculous, and stupid. I'm one very lucky girl and today I just want to be pretty so, I'm moving on from this scary experience and here we go! Back to the other stuff lol.
K, so you wrote out key symbols and the pages I can find them on. So I'm going to write them out here:
Dream 1 (18, 19, 20 pgs)
{for some reason she copied the exact same thing that I did for this dream}.
The parts of that dream with Ryan may be harder to distinguish because I have to be more specific about it. You know?
So what does all this mean? Hmph. The dream book says that people portray the more complex components of dreamscapes. They are more diverse in meaning than any other image. Therefore, the dreamer needs to recall multiple elements about the people presented in order to accurately analyze these human facets.
It asks these questions (my answers are in pink)
1. Who was the person? Ryan
2. Age? I'm assuming 27 because that's how old he is now.
3. Was an occupation presented? no
4. What was the person wearing: Khaki hat, white button down shirt, sleeves rolled up to elbows (I only say that because it's what he always wore).
5. Any jewelry? no
6. Did this person speak to the dreamer? No. He only looked at me like he used to.
So, I'm getting that I'm not really being my true self, and not the way Ryan remembers me. Or maybe I miss the way I was when I knew Ryan. It's so hard to put it all together. Please go over all that I've compiled from dream 1, see what you think, and maybe do a tarot card reading on what it means? Before I write more, I'm going to read more of your entries. Love always,
Chelsea
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:30pm
Holy shit, I'm sleepy. Oh boy. I didn't even realize that you did your own analyzing for my dreams. lol the one I did was so time consuming!
Alrighty, well you know when I was reading all about your days with Mike and all that. You were saying how naive you were, your virtues, etc etc. It all made me think so much of Ryan. You know, I go around saying "Oh yea, I'm over that,(etc etc)" but no. I can't express enough what Ryan was to me. I have so many people tell me I wasn't really in love with him, he was just what I wanted him to be. And for years I have gone back and foth on this. When I'm sick of feeling in love with him/missing him -- I make myself believe that I only want to see him so he will want me and I can just be like "haha". But I just don't know sometimes. I want to believe it was all a lie, because then I'd have no reason to be scared of ever seeing him again. But there are so many aspects that tell me there's a good reason to love him. It just irritates me that I haven't seen him/talked to him in like 4 years and he's still always on my mind. How is it possible to feel like I'm heartbroken over him, still feel like he's my soulmate, and still love someone else and be married to someone else?
I was just 17 when I met Ryan. So of course I was naive. We had such different life experiences, I wanted so bad to be the woman he wanted. So bad that I played games with him. I wish I didn't have so many complicated thoughts/questions surrounding him alone. You know. Like him and I had this bubble. And everyone not in this bubble saw something different to say about him. But I saw something different. And I still don't think that it was wrong. I know now, that a huge part of Ryan saw the naive in me, saw the virtue in me and liked that. Then I told him I was no longer a virgin and he never looked at me the same again. I didn't tell him I was raped. I just wanted him to be impressed that I was "grown up." You know, I wanted him to see that I could handle being in a relationship with him.
I never really understood that he was really protective of me. I knew that sex wise, he was. But he didn't want me involved in so many of the things he was a part of. I remember how intently he looked in my eyes and I would get so nervous because of it. I remember how he'd kiss my forehead, or cup my chin and kiss me. I remember the one time he told me he loved me. *sigh* and then he kissed me.
I'd give anything to look him in those eyes again, not look away, and tell him how I felt by saying it, not writing him letters.
The way I love him and David are so different. Like, I love David, it's sweet and tender and he makes me laugh. He tolerates my princessness bratty self and loves me despite that.
Ryan evokes the dancer, the singer, and the daydreamer inside me. We could seriously talk, he protected me and with him there was pure unadulterated passion. Mystery. Tenderness. He still makes my heart light up. WTF.
I think he loved the fact that I saw so much more in him than alcohol and his rough exterior.
Yea. Naive, naive, naive. Lol. I wonder what he'd think now if we talked at all. Would he be disappointed that I did grow up, I'm so much less naive, I've done things he did at 24?
I can't even begin to ask all the questions/write down all the thoughts in here. It would take me years.
So on the next page are lyrics that always have reminded me of him.
Love always,
Chelsea
Right Kind Of Wrong--LeAnn Rimes
---------------------------------
Know all about
'bout your reputation
and how it's bound to be
a heartbreak situation
but I can't help it if I'm helpless
everytime that I'm where
you are
you walk in and my strength
walks out the door
say my name and I can't
fight it anymore
oh I know, I should go
but i need your touch
just too damn much
Chorus:
Lovin' you, isn't really something
I should do
I shouldn't wanna spend my time
with you
I should try to be strong
but baby you're the right
Kind of wrong
yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
Might be a mistake
a mistake I'm making
but what you're giving
I am happy to be taking
cause no one's ever made
me feel the way I feel
when I'm in
your arms
they say you're something
I should do without.
They don't know what goes on
when the lights go out
there's no way to explain
all the pleasure
is worth all the pain
*chorus*
I should try to run
but I just can't seem to
cuz everytime I run
you're the one I run to
can't do without
what you do to me... I
don't care if I'm in too deep
yea
Know all about
yea 'bout your reputation
and how it's bound to be
a heartbreak situation
but I can't help it if I'm helpless
everytime that I hear
you are
you walk in and my strength
walks out the door
say my name and I can't
fight it anymore
oh I know I should go
but I need your touch
just too damn much
*repeat chorus*
Oh man that took a lot out of me. Ugh, I dropped--almost--the notebook and ripped the pages in the middle. I'm sorry! I'm trying to be more careful. Ugh.
Well, it's bedtime.
Love,
Chelsea
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