1:21am
Hey sweet pea,
Well, I got through the day without any MAJOR hangups. I did cry a little bit on the way home. It's been 5 years since my miscarriage. It just takes me back to that day and that time of my life. I really was not trying to hurt my parents. I guess I just didn't understand all the grown up things involved. Mike's credit was fucked. And I mean FUCKED. If we got married, his debt would be mine. I would have been screwed. And I think that's a big part of the reason why he picked me. I dunno... I just remember being in the ER waiting room with my dad and I had to tell my mom. I just remember her telling me she wished she didn't know that this happened. That statement alone breaks my heart. I was so mixed up at that point, it didn't even concern me how badly I hurt my parents. It makes me want to cry right now. My mom didn't say it to hurt me. She just would have much rather not known about this--or not even want me to go through it at all. I also remember my cousin Amy telling me she was mad at me. A part of me was shocked because after I had broken up with Nick she asked me why we broke up and I said that I wouldn't sleep with him. And she was like, "why not?" And so I guess that's why I had sex with Mike. I really wasn't thinking about my heart. But I guess she was mad because I had put myself in a bad situation. But mostly, I feel really guilty. Because I had suspected that I was pregnant and I didn't want to admit it. In a way, I rejected the baby before I even admitted that I was pregnant. It makes me sound like a horrible person but I was so messed up at that point. It's no excuse but I really got myself into a bad situation.
I just remember that day... I was on the phone with Mike and I told him I had just started my period. He said that his sister was going to buy me a pregnancy test. So I get to his sister's house and his friend Steve came over. He was drinking and being really silly (I will always have a place in my heart for him). At that point I was having the worst cramps of my life. I went to the bathroom and I noticed my blood was REALLY dark. Like purple. So I laid on the couch and Steve kept poking me to try and cheer me up. I had to yell at him to stop it and he finally did. After he left I went to the bathroom and that's when I saw the thing on my pad. At first I didn't know what it was so I picked it up and scooped it up. That's when I realized what it was.
To this day and forever I will never forget what happened that night and the days to follow. I showed it to Mike and he just stared at it. I started to cry and he told me to stop it. Not meanly but he wouldn't let me cry about it. The next day he wouldn't go to the doctor's office. I called him from the ER and he asked me if he should be there and I said no (it was snowing and I knew he had already been drinking). But I should have made him go with me. I dunno. My mom stayed with me the whole time. I remember all the doctors asking me how I knew I had a miscarriage. I'm like, "Gee I don't know it's not like this happens every single fucking day." Sometimes I wish I didn't go to the doctor. I feel like it was a waste of time for all the humiliation I felt.
But... it's over. The baby is with God now. I just want to say to my child I am sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't acknowledge you growing inside me. I want you to know that it was not your fault. It just happened. I hope that some day I will get to meet you when I join you up in heaven.
Wow... as I'm writing this I am watching this show... this mother is in jail because her boyfriend killed her 4 year old son. Steve Wilkos is interviewing her and I dunno she sounds awful. This boy suffered, broken bones, pnemonia, open wounds, burns, and a number of other things and he was 26 pounds when he died. This woman doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong. Umm... yeah. I'm not going to point out the obvious here, but what is wrong with people?
Well, I would love to write more, but I want to get some sleep.
<3,
me
2:22am
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1:06pm
Wow. And I mean wow. I had another dream that I remember having a long time ago. I dreamt that I was watching all this happen.
So... I'm watching from the point-of-view of Nathan. He was living with his family. His dad was abusive towards him and every time his dad would get really mad he would escape to his room and turn into something else like a butterfly. Well, this one day he got in so much trouble that he had to escape so he turned into a butterfly and flew through a crack in the window. A little bit later his mom went out to look for him and he approached her as a butterfly and at first she was scared but then she realized it was him. So she escaped to a neighbor's house and he flew around for a while but then the police came and took the kids away and tried to arrest the mom for being there so Nathan flew away. And then it was nighttime and he saw his sister walking down the street and at first she has rubber gloves on her hands (she THINKS she does) and then when Nathan flies away you see that his sister has hair all over her face and hands and she's walking down the street like a lunatic.
Whaaaat? That is such a weird dream. I'm gonna ask Nathan about it. But it was so cool to fly and everything he touched was all sparkly.
Butterfly--exemplifies renewal and rejuvination. May refer to an ability to bounce back after specific setbacks or disappointments; an enlightened change in perspective or attitude.
Perspective (artistic)--denotes either how one curently views something or should view it. Recall dreamscape details for further clarity.
Hair symbolizes thoughts.
Escape advises of a way out of something (well duh lol).
Wow--I think Sara should really watch the Steve Wilkos show. Today's topic is a dead beat dad. And it reminds me of Sara. Because she is basically a deadbeat mom. I don't think she really understands what it's like to be a mom. I think she views it as a curse as opposed to a blessing. When you become a parent, it should have SOME impact on your life. I don't think she understands that. Anyway, this guy could not say who his daughter's favorite musician was or his son's hobby. He could not even name his grandchild's middle name. That's gonna be Sara if she continues down that road.
What is with people? Do they really not understand what it means to be a parent? What do people think--that you just fuck someone or get fucked by someone--and that's the end of it? Children did not ask to be conceived. It's up to the parents to try and be parents.
Okay--I think I'm done with my little soapbox. Apparently we all had crazy dreams. I told Nathan about mine and he didn't say anything but I think I might have had a more intuitive dream than I first realized.
{book of shadows}
Night Dragons of Protection
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In the evening after the person went to bed visit them. Sit next to them holding their hand (dominant).
"I call upon the dragons to stand watch over and protect (person's name) tonight. May no harm come upon them while they sleep tonight. So mote it be!"
Give another hug and kiss.
Wish a good night sleep, etc. Go to bed yourself.
New Project Blessing
(do it at new moon)
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"Maiden Goddess, you who sprout from tiny seed, the Earth throughout, bless this project with your joy and those of us in its employ. Mother Goddess, you who flower and bring beauty to our daylight hours, bless this project with your hand and the fertile bounty of your land. Ancient goddess, you who rest and reseed all used things with your breath, bless us with your intuition, help bring this project into fruition. Bestow your blessings, Triple One, and guide us 'til this project is done.
The Blessing of Being
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By the power of fire, be magickal
By the power of water, be beautiful
By the power of earth, be who you are,
By the power of air, be all that you wish to be.
By the power of the Goddess, so mote it be!
Blessing Chant
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If you are having a bad day, or a ritual that just feels "dead", use this easy spell to clear your mind and heart:
"Blessed be the mind and
blessed be the heart
untangle this (state problem)
from these areas and help me to be higher powered."
Chant this until you feel a tingle in your third eye and heart, but if you do it too much you'll become lightheaded.
~Calming Spell~
---------------
I chant this 3 or more times whenever I'm feeling worried or scared:
"Magick, magick, until me, hear me now, my soul be free."
~Breathe Cleansing~
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This is a very simple and great to use in a pinch or you want to go unnoticed.
Drink, chew or eat something strongly herbal, like spearmint gum, garlic, or peppers. Keep it in your mouth as you walk around periodically taking a deep breath and blowing it out in a long, direct stream of air (think fire breathing dragon).
Blow away all negativity (harm). Repeat drinks/bits as often as needed so that you are blowing every few steps.
Fresh Mind Spell
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Need: tea tree essential oil
Instructions: take a deep sniff of tea tree essential oil and then close your eyes. Take another sniff and say:
"My mind was filled with needless thoughts and with them I've become distraught.
free my mind of my trouble double, double, toil and trouble goddess let my will be done.
~Cleanse your head~
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Equipment: wand, pentacle (pendant), a calm peaceful area, and you (obviously) and a pillow (if you feel it necessary).
Tie the pendant around your neck and sit with a pillow (if necessary) close your eyes and take three deep breaths then with your eyes still closed chant:
Air I am.
Fire I am.
Water, earth and spirit I am.
return me.
restore me.
so mote it be!
now touch the middle of your pentacle with your wand and hold it there until you feel refreshed.
~three times~
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For a person who you feel has wronged you. say:
With all the negative things you've imposed on me,
It will find its way back to you three times three. With the harm that you will send to me
it shall return three times three.
so mote it be
three times three
so mote it be
(don't use this one lightly).
~Baby Blessing Spell~
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need: rattle, piece of paper, silver-ink pen, small box, silver glitter
--as the baby sleeps, gently shake the rattle three times; place it in the box.
--draw a picture of a boat on the paper; place it in the box.
--sprinkle the contents of the box with the glitter, saying:
"Little one, your journey has begun, but the best is still to come. Live long, live well, let no one break this spell." Keep the box well hidden.
{love}
"Love is like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it."
"Time can change in every breath we take."
"When two people love each other, but they just can't get things right, how do you know when enough is enough?"
"Someday, when I'm awfully low, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight."
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
"my darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage."
"Death cannot stop love, it can only delay it for a while."
"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive."
"Love is so powerful that while it's killing me, it's the only thing keeping me alive."
"Love is like a set of keys; you always find it in the last place you looked."
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3:29pm
Hey sweets,
I had to take a break to drive Brian back to work. I had a talk with Nathan and he confirmed that my dream was pretty much dead on. So that is pretty cool.
Well.. I have a few more hours until I have to go to school and I have a LOT to work on.
<3 ya!
Rita bo Bita
3:32pm
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11:42pm
Woot woot. I finished my project. Whee! And it looks amazing. At least to me, lol. I WOULD be working on my next one but I can't because Nathan is fixing the computer. So... there ya go. I am so not looking forward to work tomorrow. I would be if that BITCH didn't fake having to go home so I got stuck in the poker room. Ugh. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't there all day, too.
Anywho, so my next project will be called "The Britney Chronicles." It just focuses on the past year up to now (due to not having the time or patience to chronicle the last 10 years). I hope you enjoy it. So... onto the next few pages!
{Britney stuff--I chose not to put this in here because not only is it a lot for me to type, I'd rather just keep it in the original nb.}
Phew! It's almost 1am. I think I am finally going to pack it in. Oh God what am I gonna do when I have school and I can't work on this so much? ::cries::. Goodnight sweetheart. Bye notebook!!
<3,
Rita bo bita
1:02am
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