5:08pm
Hey Chels,
Ugh these meds are making me very tired and VERY thirsty. I can't wait to be off of them. In other news, my eye hasn't really been itching all that much today. So at least whatever the meds are supposed to be doing, they're doing. Ummm... did that make sense? I can never tell. Wow... another subject almost filled. It has been a long time since I have filled up a whole entire 5 star notebook by myself. It's taking a while but you're still getting all the stories in so I think you will be very happy with it.
Meh... I cannot get larry out of my head today! But... I feel like if he really does miss me and wants to see me, he can wait a little bit. After all it's been almost 2 whole months since we've seen each other and in that time we haven't spoken that much. And although it will be nice to see him again, I AM going to tell him that he upset me by not coming over when I asked him to give me a hug or at least call me back. I'm not sure how to work that into the conversation, maybe if he brings up never wanting to make me mad? I don't know. So the room cleaning was kind of for him, but I really need to organize better.
I dunno Chels... I still feel the way I feel about him; when he texted me yesterday telling me that he missed me I was so happy. But this is still MY summer and I'm not gonna let any guy try and mess that up. I just thought it was pretty weird that I had hoped to spend the 4th of July with someone special and I got offers from both Steve AND Larry, but I feel like I made the right move in doing my own thing for once. I made a commitment to go to Holly's party and I'm not gonna ditch out because some guy danes to text me and see what I'm up to. Pffft, I made plans without you, that's what I'm up to! I don't think that's so wrong, though. I'm doing what I want for once. I might have made a stupid decision about not letting Steve come here but at the time I didn't want to complciate things for myself because I had just gotten out of that horrible relationship with Barry and things were going on between Larry and I and if Steve did come here I don't know what would have happened. I LIKE the feeling I get when Larry holds my hand or hugs me or anything like that... and I'm pretty sure Steve would want to do stuff like that with me and I don't know if I could trust myself to hold out because I've imagined what things would be like with Steve pretty much since we met. So if he came here or if I went there, it would certainly be a complication. Plus, I want to give myself a chance to really heal without being romantically swayed by anyone and I think I'm doing a very good job of that. Sure, the next time Larry and I see each other there will probably be stuff that happens but that doesn't mean he owns me or we're in a relationship. And if he asks about that I'll just say that "I'm not ready for a relationship yet but if you still feel how you feel now you are more than welcome to wait for me." It's not even him. I know that my heart would be safe with him and that I wouldn't have to worry about him lying to me everyday and keeping secrets. It's me. My heart just can't take falling in love again, at least not right now. So maybe he'll be patient and wait for me to really be ready or he won't. But I'm not gonna start something with someone only putting a little bit of my heart in. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I only gave him the bare minimum. When I finally do decide that I'm ready and can give him more of my heart, and he's still there, that's how I will know that it's the right time. But in the meantime I'm not gonna be with anyone else. That's more of my peace of mind than anyone else's. I've never really been the type of person to do that, that's why I haven't been with very many people. But this is MY time, not anyone else's. If he can't handle it, he knows where the door is. And I'm not even going to ask him to be up my ass so I pick him. If I'm doing that, I'm doing it regardless of how often he texts me. But when we actually do get together he better talk a lot more, lol.
Eek, almost time for me to take more benadryl.
Yay! not :/.
5:46pm
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