12:15am
Hey Chels!
I hope you are having an awesome Saturday night. Aside from my back hurting like a bitch (a reminder of Thursday night :)), I had a pretty good day today. My relatives came by around 1:30pm and my dad was completely surprised. He had been bitching at how they (my aunt Joyce and uncle Ken) were planning a cross country trip and they're not even going to see him. Ha, we fooled him! Even with my mom in the hospital this week, we still managed to pull off the surprise. We went for pizza and talked and generally had a great time. I had some trouble talking about my life but I think I did pretty well. I don't think some people get that I DO have a life outside of taking care of my dad. But my friends are really scattered in different places in their lives and I never really had a group of friends. For a brief time in high school but I'm used to hanging out one on one or by myself. But I'm not lonely. I'm either "talking" to you in here or texting somebody so I'm never really and truly ALONE. But that's the way I like it.
I'm actually getting along with my aunt Lori much better than... my whole life basically. She is still her, but less abrasive. I think she cut way back on the alcohol so her mind is a lot cleaner or something. I'm not sure. But yeah, so tomorrow I am cleaning up my room/catching up on nbs. I hope I can finish it because I have to keep adding to it because the past couple weeks have just been nutty. But you know how that is.
So... I've been thinking. I love this nb. I really feel like it's the best one I've done so far, and I think you are going to feel that way, too. I was telling you this earlier but I really feel like this nb is you when you're not around to talk to or I have something I need to write that's too big for text. And I really and truly do bare my soul in here because first off, out of all my friends, you're the only one I would ever feel comfortable enough doing this type of project with. I think that when we first started out, there was so much bad stuff going on that our notebooks were the one place we could really escape. And since then our notebooks have become more about our lives and writing than the extra stuff to put into it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the color and extra stuff and there's always room for it in here. But when our lives were more about escaping, we escaped to a place of creativity in a world that only we could understand. I think I did my best work when the rest of my life was falling apart. At least if I could focus on something positive and keep my hands moving, I wasn't going to kill anyone. I don't think I have the time or resources to do one of the things I wanted in here, but I can still do something with that idea. So, it'll happen either in this nb or the next one. I have to start slow because i want to keep an eye out on my $$. So... it will still work out, maybe even better than I expect it to. But nothing is EVER going to get done if I can't finish this nbs I got backed up with. And then work on some other stuff :). But anyway, my point is that we've both come such a long way since we first started out. Can you believe we've been doing this nb thing together since 2006? Holy shit. I seriously cannot believe it's been that long. And you'd always tell me, "In 6 years you're going to be 30, and then I'm going to be 30." We were scared of that age even then. And now... in exactly 3 months and 19 days, I WILL be 30. I seriously had no idea where I'd be but I never suspected that I'd be living at home, no kids, not married, STILL unlicensed, at 30. But you know what... I'm taking care of my dad, I took that damn test 4 fucking times, I thankfully didn't have any kids with any of the assholes I was with, and I just got out of a relationship where the guy was a HEROIN addict. Plus I'm still financially picking up the pieces of what my ex did. I mean, I contributed to it a little bit, but it never would have gotten as bad as it did if I didn't have Brian. But I did and I can't do much about it besides do what I can to get my finances right. Which I could do more of it I passed my test, got my license and started working as an LMT. I'd still be my dad's personal assistant, so I would have to work in a place that would be flexible with me. Or work on my own. Either way, I NEED my license. It would be awesome if I got my massage license and then you got your driver's license. I know you don't WANT it, but you will feel so much better knowing you worked your ass off and got it. You can't give up on yourself! And I won't give up on me, either.
So... I still haven't heard from Steve. But you know what? Fuck him. The ONLY reason why I haven't cut his stupid ass off yet is because of our history and I'm just plain not ready to yet. We've gone through times where we talk a lot and then I don't hear from him for a while. But it's never been like this. We've never been in a fight, nor has he actively been a complete asshole to me for no reason. I just don't know how long it will be before I hear from him again and that really hurts. I didn't realize the need to take care of myself was going to cause such a huge problem for us. Mostly I'm just really upset because I've always thought of him as one of my best friends and I endure the worse break up ever and he gets mad that he can't force me to feel the same way about him that he supposedly does/did for me. I never thought our friendship would ever come to this. But I do have someone here who I've known longer and who would NEVER try and force anything on me, especially feelings or expect me to be ready for a relationship tomorrow. He's given me the space I needed and he's never actively TRIED pissing me off. So... if Steve is gonna act like an asshole then fine, he will NEVER Meet me OR be my boyfriend, much less anything else. The one who wins me heart will be the one who puts my needs before his own and who will wait for me and not pressure me into anything. It was a nice idea for Steve to come here, but I wasn't ready. And did he wait for me? Fuck NO! He didn't even tell me when he started seeing someone. But suddenly she was there. So... I don't know. But it sounded like he still could have come here for the 4th, he didn't have to work (he had free time to go visit his new lady's family).
Meh. I DID however get an answer from Trevor. I sort of knew that he of course would have a problem with Steph and Matt getting married, but it still felt really nice to hear it from him directly. I have a feeling that as time goes on, some shit will happen and she might try to contact me again. I don't think she and Matt will last forever, but I give it at least 2 years before she finally gets sick enough of his bullshit to really leave. I dunno how I'll find any of this stuff out, considering I don't know what my life will be like by then but I do know that I'll hopefully be with an amazing guy and off being happy somewhere and she will be fucking miserable, prolly with kids or they're on the way or something. But either way... I know that this whole year will be nothing but a memory and in 2 years from now, a LOT will be different.
Well, it's almost 1:30am and I have YET to get ready for bed. So I'm gonna rest up for my big day of nbs tomorrow. I love you!
Love,
Me
1:28am
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