July 6th, 2012

July 6th, 2012
12:52am

Hey Chels,
OMG I am soooo freaking tired right now, I'm almost delirious.  But I have something I need to share with you and it needs to be here because I don't want to talk to anyone about it or put it on my lj or anything.  TOnight... I got to see Larry.  Not only did I get to see him, we hooked up.  In his mustang.  So... for the past few days, especially this week, he has been talking to me all day again.  I'm not sure what he's thinking but for once I'm not gonna freak out and overanalyze everything and all of that nonsense.  I'm not sure what changed, maybe he's feeling like he has more of a chance with me since I've done everything I can think of to get my ex out of my life so it's clear that I'm moving on.  And I still feel the same way about him... when I saw him I was just so happy.  Like my heart knows when it's around him or something.  Does that make sense?  It's like... yeah we haven't done much yet besides meet up somewhere in my neighborhood and have sex, but I know there's something there besides just the phyiscal things.  And hopefully as time goes on we'll get to explore that.  But I know deep down that all of that stuff has yet to come.  I'm not pushing the issue at ALL and he at least was smart and came back, so I'll give him credit for that.  I think he knows better than to try and push me even though it's obvious that I like him and the feelings haven't changed one bit just because we've taken a little space from each other.  Lol, this is not me "freaking out" or "overanalyzing" anything.  I'm simply expressing how I feel right now.  Honestly, Larry is good people.  He is a lot like me as in very family oriented and I can tell that he wouldn't take advantage of it or fuck that up on purpose.  He and I have always been able to talk to each other and we've always just been really comfortable with each other.  He's always been there for me (except in May when he failed miserably) and even though we didn't really talk until last year, he is still the funniest, sweetest guy that I know.  He would show up if I invited him to a family gathering, unlike my ex.  He wouldn't make up some stupid bullshit, either.  If he couldn't go, I mean.  He is someone that of course will be in my life forever, no doubt.  And he is a really good kisser.  Hehe.  Alright... I would love to continue writing but I have a huge day tomorrow so I need to get some sleep.  Maybe I will bring this thing to the hospital and write while my dad has his remicade treatment.  I actually think that is a great idea :).

Love,
Rita bo Bita

1:24am
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4:18pm

Holy shit I'm tired!  And my back is really really sore.  I guess when Larry and I were... doing stuff... he had me pushed up all the way to the side of the car so I prolly got a bruise of an impression of something on my back.  But it was so worth it :).  All I really wanted for SURE was a goodnight kiss but I guess my body decided otherwise, lol.  He said the sweetest thing to me.  He said, "I'm just going to make love to you, I'm not going to fuck you."  I just said, "that is so beautiful."  Lol.  Cuz he had talked about just going slow with me cuz it had been a while. Near the end though he did go faster but had to stop because it was SO hot in the car we were both just drenched with sweat.  After a while we stopped then he got in the front seat and blasted the AC but I didn't move yet and he was trying to go for my crotch again but I wouldn't let him.  Then I got in the front seat and that's when he REALLY tried going for my crotch again but I kept protesting because I was starting to get sore.  After a while though I finally let him near it again because it felt good lol.  When he was dropping me off I asked if we would see each other again soon and he said "yes" and I said, "promise?" and he held his pinky out and we linked pinkies and then kissed again.  And then I went back to my house and crashed.
I've had some really good kisses in my life, some not so good, and some just downright crazy.  I dunno what it is about him but when he kisses me I never want the kiss to end.  And it's not even like he makes it so that I HAVE to have sex with him, he would have been perfectly fine with just a kiss.  Maybe it was a combination of missing him and liking him so much that I just felt like it was okay to go for it at that moment.  And the way he was just kissing me and holding me and going so slow with me I knew that was the right choice.
On the 4th we talked practically all day. It got to the point where I was watching all the fireworks and I texted him and said that "I'm gonna sound sappy but I wish you were with me right now," and he said, "yeah, that would be nice," and I said, "maybe one day that will happen?" and he said, "oh there's no maybe about it."  Awwww!

I STILL want to make it through the summer as on my own as I possibly can.  If he wants to be my boyfriend... well too bad for right now.  lol.

So... I was just thinking about how crazy this year has been.  End up breaking up with Barry and then Steve starts talking about moving here and asking me if I want kids, then Larry and I are hooking up but trying to keep our feelings in check because of the ex, and NOW Steve completely dropped off the planet, I'm not friends with Stephanie anymore AND I've changed my number completely.  I still have gotten no messages from her friend, Trevor, but I'm sending one now basically asking if she put him up to it. I would really like to get this show on the road and see what's up sooner rather than wonder about it forever.  I'm not against being friends with Trevor and if he says she didn't then fine.  But I know it bothered her that I said what I said and she STILL has yet to hear from me.  So... I'll just see what he says.  I still feel the same way--that she made a really bad choice in marrying someone just because someone ELSE broke up with HER because she couldn't make a decision.  And I'm sorry but I'm not gonna go along with her disregard for anyone else's feelings besides her own.  She purposely didn't tell me we were hanging out with Matt all weekend.  She apologized for bringing me into the drama but if she was really sorry she would have given me a head's up.  Any REAL friend wouldn't leave someone in the dark about shit like that.  And the way she just flipped from one end of the spectrum to the other made me wonder why I was even friends with her, since the only reason why we got close was because of her stupid ass cousin.
I have no desire to ever speak to her again.  She can do whatever she wants with her life but if she's gonna be all crazy and selfish and not give a fuck about my feelings, I don't need her.  I knew what she went through with Matt more than her other friends did.  But she still chose to disregard ALL of that and married him anyway.  I know that she didn't need my permission to marry him, but I also know that she knew exactly how I would have reacted if she was upfront about it.  Her friends probably all feel duped in some way as well, like she was just gonna do what she was gonna do.  That's why she chose to elope, so no one could talk her out of it.  Six months from now... I wonder if she will still feel like she made the right choice and if her friends will all still be "so happy" for her.  But I'm not even sure if I want Trevor on my fb for 6 whole months just to find that out.

So... I am PISSED at Geoff.  On the 3rd when i hung out with him he wanted to go to this BBQ place in Chicago some time this week.  I told him it sounded like an awesome idea but I have family coming in over the weekend so I need to help my mom clean plus I didn't want to go in the 100degree+ weather.  He just said, "that's why cars have AC."  I said, "that might be true but what if this place doesn't?"  We just talked about that for a while and then the rest of the day/night happened.  I told him I'd see him on Thursday.  Well, Thursday morning I decided I didn't feel like going because I was on a leaky air mattress all night and didn't end up falling asleep until the sun was up because I just couldn't sleep and I was freezing cold.  I just wanted to stay inside and my house and do my thing.  So, I texted him and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it that day because I had only 1-2 hours of sleep and I had a whole crapload of work to do and you know what he said?  Let me find the text.

Me: hey I'm sorry but I won't be able to hang out today, I have too much stuff to get done.
Geoff: hey... do you want to go for bbq for lunch or dinner?
me: not today.
Geoff: you keep putting this off... do you not want to go?
(*so, first either he didn't get my first text or pretends that he didn't get it.  Then he acts like I've been putting this off for weeks or months when the idea only came about last week when I was helping him paint and got that shit in my eye.  So then... oh and he sent that text when I found out my mom was in the hospital for all the chest pains she'd been having.*)
me: no, I don't want to go.
him: let me know the night before next time please.
me: you know, I have family coming over Saturday and my mom is in the hospital right now.
him: I know... you said that already (*so, he DID get my first text, just decided to ignore it.*) I'm just saying tell me ahead of time not the day of.
me:excuse me, I didn't realize your plans were so inflexible that you couldn't handle it if I had stuff to take care of today instead of going to chicago with you for your bbq.  you're acting like I'm putting you out or something.  (*at this point I had just had it.*)
him: I did not know any of these things.  (*either you did or you didn't, make up your FUCKING MIND!!!*)
geoff: from my point of view, you're just putting me off.  we're friends you could tell me these things.  (*I DID tell you I had family coming over on Saturday.  I also had nbs to work on which I had already put off to hang out with him on Sunday AND Tuesday and I knew I woudn't be able to get to it on Wednesday because of the holiday.*)

See why I'm so mad at him?  I didn't know my mom would be in the fucking hospital the same day we had plans, but trying to guilt me into going isn't going to work.  I have my OWN FUCKING LIFE!  I can't help it if he can't find enough things to fill his day.  I'm not his keeper.  Nor is he my gd owner.  I told him I had family coming over and I needed to take care of stuff and my mom being in the hospital like JUST happened.  The proper response would have been, "thank you for telling me, maybe another time." How hard would that have been?

Meh.

Love,
Daisy

6:02pm